‘But you needed to see me?’ I stop walking and place my hand on Chuck’s arm.
He takes a big breath in and looks at me, his soft hazel eyes have always been easy to look into. ‘You know as well as I do that we can’t keep pretending any more – we have to do something about this. I can’t keep this to myself any longer – I’m going out of my mind. Every time I look at Caitlin, I think of you and us, and I want to be able to focus on my marriage, but all I can think is I’m betraying her. What are we going to do?’ Chuck clears his throat and looks down at his feet and scuffs his shoes a little. ‘More to the point, what are you going to do? I feel as though the ball is forever in your court. It was you who instigated this whole thing.’
‘Oh, come on, Chuck, you were in from the start as much as I was.’ I start us walking again. ‘I really think you need to calm down – you’re going to give yourself a stroke at this rate,’ I say softly.
‘I know, I know. I’m sorry.’
I look at poor Chuck and see the young boy in the man I now know.
‘You see, there’s nothing to worry about.’
‘But we really are in an almighty pickle, aren’t we?’
‘Not really, Chuck.’ I stop to pull my hair into a loose bun; the afternoon air is thick and it is sticking to my neck. I see Chuck watching me from the corner of my eye.
I slip my arm into his this time and carry on walking. ‘You see, the difference between me and you is that I am very good at keeping secrets and maybe you just need to get a little bit better at keeping them too? I know Caitlin so well and the one thing she told me when we were kids is that she wanted to remain ignorant to whatever was going on around her. She has put up this almighty wall around her over the years, which I feel by now is almost impenetrable. We are basically good for life. Even if she suspected anything, she wouldn’t allow herself to pursue it or consider it for too long – it’s part of her protective mechanism.’
‘So, you think I should just go ahead and walk into this marriage and not think about all this stuff between us too much?’ Chuck sounds as though he were calming down a little.
We both stop and Chuck looks deep into my eyes, I can hear the strain in his voice. Suddenly I doubt myself. Everything I have been sure of up until now is slipping away. It isn’t an alien feeling; my life is a series of questions and doubts. But this, what I am doing now, is it acceptable? I have a history with Caitlin, regardless of the pure miracle that has allowed us to reach over two decades of friendship. Is it wrong of me to allow Chuck to get wrapped up with me in this way? He is so easy to be around, and when we are together doing our thing, I don’t feel guilt. Or didn’t, up until now.
Chuck’s eyes are boring into me, waiting for me to tell him what to do.
I only know one thing, and that is I cannot stop any of this now. It is out of my control. And I can’t allow Chuck’s guilt to come between what I have planned.
‘Definitely. You don’t need to worry. What we’re doing is perfectly natural.’ I put my hand on Chuck’s cheek and lean in and kiss the other cheek. It is soft and warm. He takes both of my hands and looks at them for a second before he squeezes them and then brings one up to his mouth and kisses it the way he had the very first time I had dinner with him at Saxby House.
‘You are so old school.’ I shove him a little.
‘Yes, but that is why you love me.’ He puts his arm around me, and I let myself sink into his sturdy torso. ‘Look, there’s a delightful café around the corner that sells the prettiest little Portuguese tarts. I know because I’ve walked past it seven times today waiting for you.’
I laugh loud and long and again I am reminded of why I love being with Chuck so much. He always makes me feel like the most upgraded version of myself. And that is worth something very special to me because it is the very thing that I don’t get from Caitlin. She is my addiction, the friend I think I can never live without. But Chuck fills in all the gaps, the bits that Caitlin can’t fulfil. I try not to think about how losing our friendship would also mean losing Chuck too. Chuck always makes me feel safe. With Caitlin, I feel we are always teetering on the edge, waiting for the other one to jump overboard. But neither of us do. It feels like a game we have been playing for over twenty years. But I know it is a game that we can’t play forever. All games come to an end and eventually one of us will have to declare the other the winner.
10 Saxby House, Dorset, August 1988
Cars had been arriving since I left Caitlin at about six, when she went inside to get ready for her dinner. Families spilled out of huge black Range Rovers and tiny convertibles and into the arms of Ava, Maxwell and Josephine. Mum told me I had to come inside and let the family be. I had been interested to meet this Chuck fella that Caitlin hadn’t stopped talking about, but it seemed I would now have to wait until tomorrow. I would have hung around outside the main house all day waiting for people to arrive, but Mum
