‘But what I really want,’ Oscar continues, ‘is you, that’s all. Just you, with or without another little person in our lives. I trust you implicitly, and I trust you with my heart. So, Sasha, will you please marry me?’
I let out the breath I have been holding, and it escapes as a small laugh.
‘Sorry, sorry, I’m not laughing.’
‘It’s okay, really. Take your time, just don’t leave me hanging.’ Oscar is the one to let out the awkward laugh this time.
‘I won’t, I won’t.’ I can feel my heart pounding as though it might beat out of my chest. Then I hear my phone ping with a notification. ‘Sorry, sorry, I meant to turn it off.’
‘It’s okay, babe. It’s your job, I get it, look at it later.’
‘Of course.’
‘So?’ Oscar shifts on his knees. ‘It’s getting a bit uncomfortable down here. What do you say? Sasha, do you think we can do this?’
I can hear Oscar’s words coming at me, but I can still hear the echo of the phone notification in my ear. I receive all my messages from clients through emails, but it wasn’t the email tone. Of course, the text could be Mum, or Hunter, or one of my old school friends, but somehow, I know that this text is coming from someone else, someone that now they have texted, is in my head and marring what is supposed to be a beautiful and poignant moment.
I know the word I should have said, the word that should have flown out of my mouth so easily. I push the intrusion aside and try to bring myself back to this moment. Here I am with the man I love and had been with for four years, and he is asking me to marry him, but yet again my mind won’t allow me to put myself in a happy place. How can I say yes to Oscar and begin my life with him, when I still haven’t reached a place where I feel secure, where I feel I have arrived? Space is only just launching itself, and I feel hopeful it will evolve into a profitable business soon, but I am thirty-three. I don’t have a business that turns over millions like Caitlin’s does, I don’t have the house in the country, or the fourteen-million-pound property in London or the housekeeper. All those years I lived at Saxby, I felt the very essence of their wealth seeping into my soul. I thought that being surrounded by so much money and success would somehow rub off on me and that my transition into adulthood would be filled with endless financial opportunities. I thought by now, I would be doing better. And I know Caitlin thinks the same by the way she belittles my work.
I go to speak, to say something, anything to try and make Oscar understand. But he is standing up and walking away into the lounge. The word has not made it to my lips.
I look over to the side in the kitchen and see for the first time, champagne glasses and an ice bucket with a bottle poking out of the top.
I am suddenly very alone in the kitchen.
I walk over to my phone and pick it up. My finger swipes at the screen.
Chuck’s name is at the top and below his message:
We need to talk.
12 Saxby House, Dorset, News Year’s Eve 1988
Mum had been preparing all morning for the arrival of a few select guests who would arrive later that afternoon for dinner and to see in the New Year. I had been invited as Caitlin’s guest for the evening. Chuck and his family had arrived yesterday. I hadn’t seen him since Caitlin’s birthday in the summer, but between the three of us, we would be the only children – aside from Caitlin’s twin brothers, whom I rarely saw anyway as they were always with Natalie. In fact, I couldn’t remember ever seeing Ava with them without the nanny there.
Caitlin and I were both twelve and practically teenagers, so we felt as though we should be treated like adults. Caitlin had assured me that there would be champagne, of which we would be offered one glass each. She said once the adults had all each had a few glasses, there would be plenty left for us to have a few subtle sips more. I was a bit nervous, because I had only ever really sipped the froth off my dad’s beer before and pretended I was drunk, much to the amusement of my family. I wasn’t sure what Caitlin’s intentions were. Did she want us to get really drunk? I knew Caitlin had drunk before; how would I hide it from my family? My nerves were now a mixture of the prospect of my first real drink and the fear of letting Caitlin down if I declined. But I knew I couldn’t let her down. Caitlin would want me to drink some champagne with her tonight and I wanted to show her I was just as daring as she was.
It was freezing out, but Caitlin insisted we go and have a mooch around and work ourselves up for the four-course meal we had to sit through before the adults were drunk enough not to notice us. I had hovered in the doorway waiting for Caitlin to bundle up with anticipation for an appearance by Chuck, but there was no mention of him.
I wasn’t in the mood for walking, but we took a circuit around the entire gardens, bumping into Dad twice, laughing at how he had managed to overtake us to get ahead. But Dad knew these grounds like the back of his hand now and could weave in and out of hedgerows and hop over walls to get to where he needed to be.
We had
