Caitlin takes the dress from Wendy and goes to the changing cubicle at the back of the room.
‘Erm, do shout if you need help. We don’t like our ladies to get in a pickle with their dresses – that’s what all us helpers are for,’ Wendy says, sounding nervous and wringing her hands.
A few awkward minutes later, Caitlin appears in the dress. It’s slightly ruffled and baggy at the front where it needs doing up at the back, but I can almost see the end result, and when the lump forms in my throat I swallow it down with a shake of my head and a smile. It suddenly feels very real.
Wendy rushes over to Caitlin and begins arranging the dress in all the right places before finally doing it up at the back.
‘Well, it will need some basic alterations, taking in here at the waist and maybe slightly on the shoulders.’ Wendy tugs at the dress to indicate the areas. ‘If you feel it’s the one? I must say, I rarely get a bride who comes in and chooses the first dress she sees, but it does happen.’
‘Yes, this absolutely is the dress. Sasha, do say something,’ Caitlin says, turning to face the mirror behind her, angling slightly to the left and then the right, then putting her right leg out in front of her to reveal the slight split Wendy had mentioned.
I take a deep breath and despite my reservations about the similarity, I speak the words I know she will want me to say.
‘Yes, Caitlin, this is the dress for you.’
We leave the bridal shop the opposite of how we arrived: me feeling defeated and Caitlin on a high with a slight spring in her step as we walk along the street.
‘Please do let me know the moment you hear that the dress is ready – I want to go back and try it on again straight away.’ Caitlin pulls out her phone and checks messages as we walk.
‘Okay,’ I mumble.
‘Oh, Sasha, you need to lighten up.’
‘I just want your wedding day to be happy, for everyone to see you in a wonderful dress and for there not to be any animosity between you and Ava, just for one day. Is that not what you want as well?’ It feels good to be saying something genuine. There will be enough surprises on the day as it is.
‘My life has been one long saga of animosity between me and my mother. Do you honestly think anything will change just because I am getting married?’
I know Caitlin is right, but somehow I hoped that this one time, things might be different, things might settle for just a day, a few hours at least. Caitlin and Ava’s hidden issues had been rife when she and I were children, but somehow I had presumed Caitlin would mellow out with age, and all the things she had been harbouring as a child would stay in the past. But if anything, her animosity towards Ava has grown even fiercer, and even more so now Josephine isn’t here to be the happy balance that’s needed in the mother–daughter–grandchild triangle.
I do miss Josephine. She always was such a beacon of light in a house that seemed to hold some of the darkest secrets I have ever known about a family.
I am glad that Caitlin is in such high spirits after the dress fitting, so when she suggests we carry on drinking, I try to get on board, even though I am desperate to get home and chill out for the evening.
The day is still incredibly warm, so we choose a bar that has floor to ceiling windows that have been pulled wide open to create a terrace of sorts.
I go to the bar, order myself a mocktail and a double gin and elderberry tonic for Caitlin.
‘Ooh, I say, Sasha, that looks rather fancy.’ Caitlin points at my virgin cocktail as I join her at the table. ‘Can we have those at the wedding, what is it?’
‘Rum and fruit juices,’ I lie. I don’t want Caitlin giving me a lecture on how I need to be drinking for her today on such an important occasion – the very occasion she couldn’t have given two hoots about an hour ago. It was only because she had discovered a dress that would rival her mother’s that she decided she was back on board with this wedding.
‘Righto, add it to the list. It’s not too late, is it? I want something bright and vibrant like that in everyone’s hand when they arrive at the venue.’
I take my organiser out of my bag and add it to my list of things to do in the ‘Caitlin’s wedding’ section.
‘So are you excited about the wedding?’ I casually say as I jot down cocktails on arrival.
‘Now I have that dress, yes I am.’
‘Even without the perfect dress, are you looking forward to starting your life with Chuck?’ I say, drawing a circle around the note.
‘God, you make everything sound so dramatic.’ Caitlin breathes in loudly and blows out the breath.
‘Just answer the question.’ I look up at Caitlin. The sharpness to my tone makes Caitlin look back at me. She blinks slowly.
‘Yes, Sasha, of course I am looking forward to being married to Chuck. It’s the next step in the journey – I’ve known him forever. I think we will make a great team. I mean, we already do.’
I take a deep breath. ‘Right. Good.’ I’m still not sure of her sincerity, but I can’t imagine Caitlin with anyone else. It has only ever been her and Chuck.
By the time Caitlin is on her third double gin, she decides it’s a good idea to order us some shots. She has not eaten anything – the garlic bread I ordered for her, I ended up finishing myself. I sip my Baileys delicately whilst Caitlin knocks back two tequilas. I make the
