‘Okay then. I think this party needs to get wrapped up. Let’s get back inside, shall we? Hackett, I presume you’ll be escorting this gentleman off the premises?’ Chuck had been standing next to me, observing my interaction with Bill.
Hackett nodded firmly.
‘Right. Good.’ Chuck looked at me. ‘I’ll see you inside?’
‘Yes,’ I said.
‘Right, thank them for the offer of refreshments, but I ain’t ’anging about. Sasha, if you see or hear Dougie, come and find me – she’s a good dog,’ Bill shouted as he was marched away by Hackett.
I turned around and saw Caitlin standing next to me, her face moulded into a hardened stare.
‘You know him?’ She screwed her nose up and curled her lip in disgust.
‘I know him a bit. I met him, once.’
‘What is it with you? And needing to protect the travellers?’
‘Protect them?’ I retorted.
‘Yes, Sasha, first telling my dad that they were harmless and now protecting this, this… this fiend who thinks it’s entirely acceptable to just wander onto someone else’s land. My land.’
‘Oh,’ I said, feeling that familiar pang of sadness that Caitlin felt she needed to remind me that she was above me.
‘Oh? Oh, what Sasha? Do you think it’s okay, do you? I suppose you have no idea and you certainly have no care – the garden statues alone are worth millions.’
Now I knew she was exaggerating.
My mind wandered back to the tiny little vase that looked about a thousand years old and had been shoved on the back of a shelf in Ava’s study that remained locked all the time, never getting seen by anyone. I thought what a terrible shame it was and how that sort of prettiness needed to be seen by people. I was just a kid, and I had appreciated it for its beauty. I bet it was worth a few quid as well.
Chuck was back, although he may not have ever left, and he glanced at me and I thought I saw a look of disappointment in his eye. Then he swept over to Caitlin, clutched her by the arm and began walking. Caitlin fell against him as Chuck put a protective arm around her. At that moment, I knew that I would never be able to compete with Caitlin for Chuck. He was always going to belong to her. No matter how badly Caitlin behaved, it wouldn’t matter, because she had everything and I had nothing. Except now I knew something that she didn’t, so I would use that to offset against Caitlin’s behaviour, wealth and security.
As I went back into the marquee for a little while, all sorts of strange feelings were surging through my body. I kept thinking about the intimate moment that Chuck and I had shared earlier and the way he held my hand in his for so long, as though it felt too natural there for him to let go. And now he was away somewhere with Caitlin. The images on those photographs kept playing over in my mind like a short film. It felt like too much information for me to hold in all by myself. Having spent the time in Chuck’s company this evening, it was him I craved to be with. I wanted to feel his hand in mine again, I wanted to lay my head against his shoulder and for him to place his arm around my shoulder and to make everything better.
The party had begun to slow down, the volume of the music had dropped and guests were drifting away from the dance floor and over to the tables and chairs scattered around the marquee to finish their drinks.
George Michael’s ‘Careless Whisper’ was playing softly in the background when Chuck appeared in the doorway of the marquee. He scanned the area for a moment and then his eyes found mine. I stood and walked over to him, passing my parents who were in a slow-dance embrace; Hunter was asleep on two chairs next to them.
‘I thought I’d check on you. I’ve just settled Caitlin with Ava and Josephine and a few others in the drawing room next to the fire – the house is absolutely Baltic!’
I felt my body shudder at the mention of Ava’s name.
‘Thanks for coming back,’ I said. ‘I really wanted to see you.’
Chuck raised his eyebrows. ‘Shall we, er, walk a little?’
‘Yes.’
I found my hand easily slipped into his once more as he led me out of the marquee and out into the driveway. We began walking back down the gravel drive, the small pebbles crunching under our feet. We walked in silence for a while, my heart thudding in my chest, wondering if I should speak. Eventually, when the quiet got too much, we both went to speak at the same time.
‘I’m sorry—’ I said.
‘The sky—’ Chuck said at the same time.
We laughed.
‘You go first,’ Chuck said.
‘I was going to say sorry about the Bill incident. I have only met him once, and he seems pretty harmless.’
‘Well, let’s hope he finds his dog.’ Chuck snorted; the disbelief apparent in his tone. ‘I was going to say that the sky is so vast and clear out here in the countryside.’
I looked up at the sky, and it did look spectacular. I began to think of something suitably poignant to reply with when I was suddenly yanked sideways. Chuck and I were alone in the doorway of an outbuilding, the moonlight blocked by the high brick wall. And so there I was, pressed against Chuck’s chest, the darkness engulfing us, and all I could hear was the thumping beat of his heart in my ear.
25 London, September 2009
The day of the wedding
I have been awake since 6 a.m., lying in bed. My stomach is bubbling, sending spikes of fear and worry through my body. Today is the day. I go to the toilet and poke my head out of my bedroom door and look across
