The light brightens, and I hear the hum of a motor down below, followed by a clanking rumble. Not the lift, but louder. The garage doors opening, then closing again a minute later. An engine revs loud somewhere outside, then gradually fades into the distance. Maddox had a motorcycle parked down there—he must have taken it out. If he felt the need to run, I hope I haven’t made a terrible mistake following through with his wish.
Letting out a sigh, I slide off Leo’s chest and lie on my side facing him. His brows are furled and he’s frowning hard.
“Are you okay?” I ask. “It’s too soon for another pill.”
“I’m feeling no pain, ángel, trust me.” He chuckles and looks at me. “But you caught me by surprise, and I wasn’t exactly thinking straight. My man Mad Dog’s bound to have condoms around here somewhere, but I didn’t even think to look. We should’ve though.”
“Is that all it is? I think we’re fine. I’ve been on the pill ever since I got my first period. Not because I was sexually active,” I hurriedly add. “I’ll spare you the details, but I needed help regulating my cycle.”
He relaxes a little and peers at me. “You’re not worried you’ll catch something from a filthy gangbanger like me?”
“Should I be?” I ask, raising both eyebrows. “You don’t exactly look riddled with disease. You spend all your time with your brother doing whatever the hell Papá or Gustavo asks. I’d have heard if you were sleeping around.”
The clench of his jaw makes me wince at what I just said. His expression softens and he squeezes my shoulder. “I’m no saint, but sleeping around has never been my thing.” He goes quiet, his eyes on me as his fingers graze the top of my shoulder and toy with my hair.
I rest my chin on my hand and give him a sad smile. “You should rest.”
“I don’t want to stop looking at you. I’m afraid if I close my eyes, you’ll disappear like a dream. I keep asking myself how I can be so damn happy right now after what happened. Something’s gotta give. But I guess if Papá decides to put me out of my misery, I can die a happy man and spend eternity with Manny.”
My eyes widen in horror. “No! I will not let Papá touch you. You have my promise.”
He chuckles and squeezes me harder. “It’s okay. I’ll take whatever happens. The way I figure, nothing can touch me after today. I’ve endured the worst thing that could happen, and the best, and I’m still alive. Anything after this? Psh. Bring it on.”
The panic doesn’t subside though. My mind is racing over ways to convince Papá that he shouldn’t hurt Leo for touching me. Eventually, Leo’s eyelids drift closed and his breathing evens out. I slip out of his arms and put my borrowed clothes back on, then find my phone.
18
Maddox
I ride up PCH through a chilly marine layer, grateful for the bite of cold to help numb me to what I’ve done. I left without a jacket, like an idiot, but I don’t care. I need this distraction.
After photographing Sequoia and James countless times, I should be desensitized to the sight of two people fucking in my bed. I don’t know what I was thinking, walking up to my loft by the back steps. I suppose I thought I would spare the two of them the unholy racket of my lift’s ancient motor and slip in while they were sleeping. Of the two doors on the landing that lead into the place, only the one closest to the bedroom opens. The other one is blocked by my photography set furniture.
Leo and Celeste together were nothing like Sequoia and James though. The way he touched her, reached for her. The way she looked at him. I only caught them for a minute, but that minute drove home how lost I am over the two of them.
How the fuck did this happen? Only a few weeks ago, I was content enough to finally see the light at the end of the tunnel of grief I’ve lived in for almost two years since Zag’s death. Enjoying Leo’s friendship was the first sign that my life might not be as fucked up as I believed during my recovery.
I had hope. Maybe not for a relationship with anyone—even I’m not so stupid to believe that’s a possibility yet—but a normal life that doesn’t revolve around forcing myself to get out of bed each day. It’s been like pulling teeth for months, and I count my blessings every day I wake up eager to get to work because there’s someone in it I genuinely look forward to talking to.
That old, familiar darkness settled in around me again the second I saw them together, Celeste’s supple body naked and astride Leo, moving like every cell of her being was invested in both his sensations and her own.
I never forgot the day she did the same to me. Even later, when I was with Zag, that memory of my first time was still number one in the vast catalog of spank material I mentally flipped through when I needed a quick release. Not a single experience has ever measured up in quite the same way. When I confessed to Zag that I sometimes thought of a woman when we fucked, he took it in stride. “Our first times always stick with us,” he said. “Besides, I have a good feeling she didn’t let you nail her ass the way I let you do me.”
Naturally, that only made me expand my Celeste fantasies to include anal sex. We only had sex the one time, and we didn’t have the opportunity to explore,
