They leave the next day.
On his way out, Leo makes a joke about letting me have my bed back. He hints that I ought to bring my lovers upstairs and not keep banging them in the back of my mother’s studio like the Lothario I am. There’s no way he can know that I spent a good bit of time fantasizing about getting him into my bed before it actually happened, or that the only girl I ever had in the back of Mom’s studio is the woman he’s leaving with.
He seems to be back to his usual shit-talking taunts despite an undercurrent of grief, as if it’s all a mask he’s put in place just to hold it together. He clings to Celeste as hard as she clings to him, and I find what comfort I can in the knowledge that they’ll get to stay together.
Even though I’m empty once they’re finally gone.
19
Leo
I’m logy from the drugs when Arturo’s driver delivers us to his estate in Los Feliz late in the afternoon, but Celeste hasn’t released my hand during the entire drive, so I feel stronger than I have any business being. She leads me around the side of the house rather than through the front door, and we walk down a stepped path through a terraced garden that borders the vast patio overlooking the LA skyline.
When I see the pool, I say, “You’re planning to drown me and put me out of my misery, aren’t you?”
She side-eyes me and tugs me toward the set of french doors that face the pool. “No. We’re sneaking you into my room before Elena sees us and takes you to a guest room. If you’re already asleep in my bed, she can’t make you get up and leave.”
My mood picks up at the idea of falling asleep in Celeste’s bed. I’ve never seen it, but I imagine it feels like heaven.
The aroma of pot tickles my nose, and I turn toward the origin. A figure huddles on a chaise at the far end of the terrace. My heart thuds with a violent beat as I pull away from Celeste and move in that direction, ignoring her confused protest, but she soon sees what I see and rushes to catch up.
“Oh God, Toni,” she whispers.
Toni is seated on the chaise, bundled in a dark, worn-out hoodie that’s several sizes too big, her knees drawn up to her chest. My throat seizes—it’s one of Manny’s old hoodies, and I falter. She doesn’t react when we come into view though. She’s facing the sun, with enormous dark shades on and a joint held between her lips. She takes a puff and the end lights up, then she sets it in the ashtray on the small table at her side.
Tilting her face toward us, she nods at the table and exhales while speaking in a tight voice. “Decided to hold a mini wake. He used to joke that if he took a bullet he didn’t get up from, all he wanted was for us to get high and drink expensive tequila in his memory. You’re welcome to join me.”
The plume of smoke surrounds me, and I lean down to pick up the joint, noting the ornate and vaguely phallic bottle of Clase Azul tequila that rests beside it. Celeste climbs onto the chaise beside Toni and wraps her arms around her. Toni falls against her, boneless, and shakes with sobs almost immediately, as if she held it all back until this moment.
I sit dumbly at the end of the chaise and puff on the joint, holding it between my lips as I rest my hand on Toni’s ankle and squeeze. The two of them are wrapped in each other’s arms, crying, and when I put the joint back down, I reach for the bottle. I glance at the sky and lift it up.
“A quien Dios ama, le llama.”
Then I tilt the bottle to my lips and take a long swallow.
“Manny probably never even got to taste tequila this good,” I remark when I lower the bottle and look at it. It’s a heavy ceramic thing with what looks like hand-painted designs on it. The alcohol is already seeping into my blood along with the pot, and the edge of pain that my pain pills hadn’t touched softens into nothing.
“Come here, Leo,” Toni says, reaching for me.
I turn and crawl between the two of them, having only just enough presence of mind to face Celeste to get comfortable and avoid lying on my bad shoulder. They both hook their arms and legs around me, and then it’s my turn to lose my shit, the combination of tequila and pot finally melting away the tight control I had over my grief until now. I bury my face against Celeste’s breasts and cry. She combs her fingers through my hair and kisses my forehead, whispering gentle words of comfort while Toni holds me from behind.
I must doze for a little while because I open my eyes to a setting sun and an empty space where Celeste lay what seems like seconds ago. I reach for her and mumble her name. A soft, sad chuckle puffs at my back, and Toni’s fingertips comb through the hair at my temple in a gentle stroke. She’s still behind me, with my torso cradled against hers and my head beneath her chin.
“It all balances out in the end, doesn’t it?” Toni says. “Lose a brother, gain a lover. I’d say I lost a lover, gained a brother, but I always had you, so I’m not exactly breaking even here, am I?”
She sighs and snuggles lower, tightening her arm around my middle. Her nose mashes against my spine and she sniffles, then in a thick
