Yoji seemed to be more worried about some hypothetical kid who might show up at the park than about the Yoshibas, which is why he tried to stop them. And of course he was right. Still, he could have shown a little more consideration for the unhappy couple.
Though that’s probably totally wrong. You can’t do it right out in the open like that, cock and twat to the wind. Makes a bad impression on the minds of our youth. Not to mention any adult who happens by. I mean, who wouldn’t be messed up by seeing something that sad? Two grown people, fucking their heads off and crying their eyes out.
Still, you had to feel sorry for them. Totally sad sex brought on by a totally sad situation—so why not at least let them finish?
Sure you should. But then another thought occurred to me: the Yoshibas had lost their kids under the grossest, most totally terrible circumstances, but maybe out of that horribleness some new kind of sex had been born. Almost like holding all that sadness in your arms and fucking the sadness itself. Sex born out of the death of children. I know it sounds bad when you put it like that, but sex that makes use of pain.
The human need for sex is as strong as the need for food—another idea I got from my brother, but I think so too. And sometimes that need wins out, even over the sadness of losing your kids. Maybe lust is so stubborn it can even find a way to take advantage of the death of three little boys, to make some amazing fucking.
Which is a totally shitty thought.
But then I guess the human sex drive is a pretty shitty thing.
Though I also guess that without it, none of us would even be here. Our very existence depends on that shitty sex drive.
Pretty nasty, when you think about it.
Which is not to say that the Yoshibas’ sex was absolutely that kind of sex, but it pretty much looked that way to me.
Yoji and I talked about the Voice of Heaven for a while. Then, when we got to my house, we somehow just couldn’t say goodbye.
Of course, I didn’t want him to go—though part of me also wanted to get away from him. Still, there was more stuff I wanted to say before we went our separate ways.
And I’m not sure why, but Yoji seemed to be in no hurry to leave either. Maybe he was worried that seeing the Yoshibas had somehow traumatized me. Or maybe he wanted to find out whether there was a guy somewhere who liked me and would be jealous about Sano—though all that already seemed like ancient history now. Or maybe there was something else he wanted to say. Or maybe he didn’t have anything to say but just wanted to hang around with me a little more…or not.
Yep. Or not. “Well then, I’ll be seeing you,” he said. “Are you coming to school tomorrow?”
“I don’t know,” I told him. “Are you?”
“Probably. I’m not sure I can do anything more about Sano.”
“That was pretty amazing,” I said, “seeing them fucking like that.”
“What? Oh, yeah, amazing.”
I wanted to have amazing sex with Yoji. Or not even amazing—just nice, plain sex. No face shots, no freaky acrobatics, just your ordinary missionary position, nice and slow, with a sweet little orgasm when we were both ready. But I couldn’t really tell him that. Instead, I asked whether he wanted to come in. Maybe have some tea?
“No, I’d better be getting home,” he said, giving a little wave and turning to go. But instead of heading toward the station, he turned and went back the way we’d just come.
“If you pass the playground again,” I laughed, “check to see if they’ve come back for seconds.”
“I doubt they’ll come back,” he said. “If they do, I’ll call the police.”
“You wouldn’t.”
“Why not? We can’t just let them go on doing that on a playground. I feel sorry for them too, but…Anyway, see you later.”
“Right, see you later.”
I stood at the door, making no move to open it, and watched him go. I’d managed to get Yoji all the way to that door, with no parents or brother waiting inside, and still no sex. There was something truly pathetic about that—and at the same time not.
If we’d had sex after seeing the Yoshibas, would we have used their sex to make ours more intense? Would that have worked? Would our lust have been strong enough?
Maybe not. Maybe it would have been weak; maybe we would be repelled by the memory of what we’d seen. Or maybe I had it wrong. Maybe Yoji was scared off by the realization that we were so close to having sex. Maybe that’s why he turned on his heel and ran off like that. Maybe I was afraid myself, and that’s why I hadn’t been clearer about trying to get him inside, into my bed.
No, that wasn’t it. Who was I kidding? Yoji just wasn’t interested in having sex with me.
Was that it?
That was it.
What could you expect, once he found out you’d done it with Sano? What is a guy like Yoji going to think about a girl who has casual sex with every guy she runs into? Is he going to want to do it with you? How stupid are you? What do you expect?
How stupid am I? Pretty stupid, I guess. I guess with Sano I just had the feeling I wanted to have sex with a boy, and it didn’t much matter which one. Just
