‘Thanks, I’d appreciate that. I hate having to do small talk. Mam loved you. You know that though,’ Sue said matter-of-factly. ‘I was a big disappointment to her. You and Niall were the perfect ones. Cormac and I were the failures. He couldn’t come by the way, he has a strep throat.’
‘I’m sorry to hear that,’ Hilary said uncomfortably. Surely with your mother lying in her coffin you would try and make some effort to put bitterness aside, she thought.
‘Mam won’t mind – she didn’t really like him. She pretended to and was civil to him but she didn’t. I knew.’ Sue sighed. ‘I can almost hear her saying, “I wouldn’t want him gawking at me in my coffin!”’ She caught Hilary’s eye. Hilary laughed, in spite of herself, and Sue gave a small chuckle. ‘Isn’t that what she’d be saying?’
‘She would say something like that all right,’ Hilary agreed.
‘I know you’ll be shocked by this, but I won’t be staying long. We didn’t have a lot to say to each other in life. I don’t really have anything much to say to her in death. That’s the way of it,’ Sue shrugged. ‘You think I’m hard, and maybe I am. But I am what I am and she could never see that and accept it.’
‘Sue, you had your relationship with Margaret and I had mine. It wasn’t a competition. I know being a daughter can be hard sometimes. I resented things my mother expected of me when I was younger, and things she expects of me now, so don’t think I don’t understand that. Don’t be hard on yourself – it’s a difficult enough time as it is. I’ll leave you in peace to say your goodbyes, and, when this is over and things have settled, you know where Niall and I are if you need us,’ Hilary said generously. ‘We are family when all is said and done.’
‘Thank you,’ Sue murmured, touched in spite of herself. Hilary closed the door and Sue was alone with her mother. ‘What do you think of that, Mam?’ she said wryly. ‘You were right all along. Hilary is a feckin’ saint. No wonder you loved her. I could never in a million years be that good-natured if I tried.’
The poignant strains of ‘Nearer My God To Thee’ drifted down from the gallery while the mourners sat after communion at Margaret’s funeral before the final blessing. Out of the corner of her eye, Hilary saw Sue reach down to her handbag and then she was dabbing a tissue at her eyes, and the sound of an unmistakable sob broke the silence.
Thank God, Hilary thought with relief. Thank God there’s grief because where there’s grief there’s love and someday she’ll realize that. Beside her, Millie and Sophie cried quietly, and Niall had tears streaming down his face. She squeezed his hand in silent comfort and he squeezed back. Hilary raised her face to the sun pouring through the stained-glass window behind the altar. The rays bathing the coffin in ethereal red and blue and green.
Margaret’s fears and worries about her future were all behind her now, and she’d been lucky the way she’d passed. And she’d orchestrated it.
Hilary had noticed that all her mother-in-law’s tablets for the previous five days had been untouched in the blue receptacles. Hilary always did the weekly tablets with Margaret, popping them into the receptacles for her, because she found it difficult to do with her arthritic fingers. Hilary knew what she was taking and what dosage she was on.
She’d been shocked at the discovery! Could it be said that Margaret had committed suicide? Could not taking tablets that kept you alive be considered in the same way as taking an overdose? Hilary agonized. Should she tell the doctor and Niall? But what difference would it make now, she argued with herself. It was very clear that Margaret had made a decision to stop taking her medication. She’d had a few days to reverse the decision. She hadn’t. Death was the required goal. Death was the result. Margaret had chosen her way to go. If Hilary hadn’t known anything about her mother-in-law’s medication she would have been none the wiser.
Hilary kept the knowledge to herself. Niall did not need to be troubled by it, or indeed Sue. Because troubled they would be. Guilt would come knocking on their door. Margaret would not have wanted that. There was nothing they could do now to change the way of their mother’s passing.
You did it your way, Margaret. That’s all that matters, and I respect your wishes, she silently saluted her mother-in-law, and it seemed that the beams of light shone even brighter as the music faded and the priest stood up and bowed over the coffin and called them all to prayer.
Sue read the letter a second time.
My Dear Daughter
If you are reading this, then I have gone to my maker and my will is being read. You will know that I have left everything to be equally divided between you and your brother, with a bequest for Hilary and the girls.
Dear Sue, I want you to have my wedding and engagement ring, and the gold bracelet and chain that your father bought for me. I know you loved your father dearly so it is fitting that you should have these.
I know you always felt I favoured your brother and perhaps I did, because I was always content in the knowledge that you were your daddy’s pride and joy. The reason Niall was so precious to me was because before I had him I had endured three miscarriages, quite late in my pregnancy each time, and I was broken-hearted and would sink into despair. I would so much have loved a sister for you, close in age. When Niall was born I couldn’t believe I had
