“You were doing pretty good there for a minute, but your pep talk is taking a nosedive,” Lilly said dryly.
“Lilly, if you can be a single mom and raise a child that turned out as good as Jacque, then you can do this with your eyes closed and your hands tied behind your back. And this time you’re not alone. You’ve got us. You’ve got a pack. It’s time to step out of the tower you’ve put yourself in and pick up where your mate left off. It’s time to start living again because the battles are coming. They aren’t going to wait for you to be ready.”
Lilly stood there staring at the woman who, though she could be an abrasive ass, had become a close friend. She hesitated, afraid to be completely honest with the fae. But she knew Peri was right. And if she didn’t open up to someone, she had no chance of leading the warlocks. It was humiliating, but Lilly had no choice.
“I’ve been having hallucinations … about Cypher,” she said quickly. “The first one was two nights ago during the feast. He was in the room, standing across the hall from me. Then, when I came back to our room, he was here waiting for me. He talked to me. He held me. He was real, Peri. I could feel him.” She swallowed hard. “I can’t decide if what’s happening is a blessing or a curse. He comes every night. He holds me and talks to me. When I wake up from nightmares, he’s there, wiping my brow and pressing kisses to my heated skin.
“Part of me wants it to stop, and part of me is terrified it will, and I will never see him again. How the hell am I supposed to move on? How do I begin to heal when the wound is re-opened every single night?”
“Maybe you aren’t supposed to move on in the traditional sense,” Peri said, her voice grave. “Maybe the wound needs to stay fresh in order for you to function. Some injuries never heal correctly, Lilly. Some wounds become infected and fester. Perhaps Cypher’s appearance is like the application of alcohol to your wound. It burns like hell, but it keeps out the infection.”
Lilly wasn’t sure what to say to that. She’d been hoping Peri was going to give her some profound insight like “perhaps this was the Great Luna’s way of letting her know that Cypher wasn’t gone for good. Maybe she’d get him back,” or some other cathartic delusion that Lilly knew wasn’t really true.
“Don’t get that look, queenie,” Peri warned, shaking her head. “The Great Luna can bring back whomever she wishes. We’ve seen it done. But it's on her terms. She is the Creator, and we are the created. And everything she does is always for our best interest, even if we don’t see it. I don’t know why she allowed Sally to come back, or Jen. And Jen wasn’t even really allowed back. There was a payment due for that life. Regardless, you can ask, but you have to understand that sometimes the answer is still no, regardless of how bad we want it to be yes.”
Finally, Lilly nodded. Remarkably, she still had tears left inside of her, and they filled her eyes now. “I just miss him so damn much.”
Peri’s own eyes filled. She wrapped her arms around Lilly and pulled her into a tight hug. “I know, Lilly. More than you realize, I, above everyone, know exactly how you feel.”
The mom in Lilly rose to the surface. Even though Perizada could be Lilly’s great, great something a thousand times over, she couldn’t help but want to comfort the woman who was hurting over the loss of two people she’d loved. And Lilly didn’t even think Peri had realized how much Alina and Vasile had come to mean to her. She hugged the high fae tighter. “For a crazy chick, I’m going to be the voice of reason,” she said. “You’ve got to let yourself grieve, Peri. If you hold it all in now, eventually it will come out. When it finally does, what I’ve been through will look like a two-year-old throwing a small tantrum in comparison.”
Peri nodded against her shoulder, and Lilly heard the fae sniffle. “When you live as long as I have, you think you’ve built sufficient walls to keep pain like this from happening.” Peri released Lilly and stepped back. The fae wiped at her eyes as her lips drew against her face. She looked tired, as if a small breeze would blow her over. “They just seemed invincible. You know?”
“Yes.” Lilly huffed a small laugh. “I completely understand that sentiment. I thought nothing could bring Cypher down.”
“Vasile and Alina had fought so many battles. So many. And they’ve been injured before. They’ve been near death, but they’ve always escaped. They’ve always fought their way back. But this time, there was no fighting. There was nothing anyone could do, nothing I could do.” Her voice wavered, but she kept going, and Lilly wasn’t about to interrupt her. This was clearly something the high fae needed to get out. She needed to excise the dark thoughts.
“I just stood there. Alina’s eyes met mine, and though there
