I’m contradicting myself. I’m so confused.
“Then how about I help you figure it out?”
“How…” His chest tightened as Jared leaned in.
He’s going to kiss me. I should pull away, push him away. I should…
Jared stopped, his lips a breath away from Nate’s as if waiting for Nate to stop him.
I want to. I don’t want to.
Nate closed his eyes, went with the flow and leaned the final distance to the kiss. It was gentle, a lingering connection of their lips as Jared pressed his mouth to Nate’s. Nate swallowed hard, opened his eyes when the kiss ended, and Jared pulled back. A pain tightened his chest and he hugged himself, folding his arms across his stomach. This wasn’t like the sex-driven hookups he’d had in the past, not random kissing for nothing but getting off, this was more—a promise of sorts, and it scared the life out of him.
“Are you okay?” Jared asked. “Sorry. Maybe I shouldn’t have done that. I said we were friends and a friend… a friend shouldn’t have done that.”
Nate shook his head. “It’s fine. You don’t have to apologize.”
I wanted you to kiss me. I let you.
He glanced at the bookcase, at the photographs, at Rhea. She was right there.
“I’ll go.” It was as if Jared knew the turmoil Nate had found himself in.
“You don’t have to,” Nate managed.
“I do.” Jared stepped back. “And if you decide you don’t want to see me anymore then that’s okay. I get it.”
I don’t want that, but… Please go. I need to think.
Nate didn’t say anything. He stared at the floor as he tried to wrestle with the contradictions that stabbed at him.
“It’s not your fault. I kissed you so don’t hate yourself. You didn’t betray anyone.” Jared left the room to where his coat was hanging in the hallway.
Why are you so understanding? How can you be so selfless?
Nate followed after him. What should he say?
Jared opened the apartment door.
“Jared,” Nate said in a hushed voice. “I don’t hate myself and I didn’t hate…it. I just…”
“You need some time?” His smile was warm, understanding.
Nate nodded. “But, if you ever want to stop by the bar, for a cocktail, I wouldn’t mind.”
Jared ducked his head. “Thank you. I might just do that.” He hesitated, finally saying, “Goodnight, Nate.”
“Yeah, goodnight,” he said, pushing the door closed once Jared had left.
It was then the sound of his heart beating filled the quiet apartment. Why did he feel more alone than ever? Why did he think that might be the last time he’d see Jared? What kind of catch was a man with one foot in the past?
For him, for Jared, for Luka. He needed to work out what he wanted, what the right thing to do was. He leaned back against the wall and closed his eyes as he touched his lips. Memories of the kiss lingered.
Could he really live the rest of his life without loving someone?
What should I do?
Chapter Eleven
Jared stayed away from Nate for two whole days. It wasn’t a conscious decision to give Nate space, just that finals were looming, and he was determined to pass this exam with flying colors. His plans for the future depended on him passing with gold stars and fireworks, so he wouldn’t be one of many who passed, but would stand out as the best damn psychology student the college had ever known.
Only tonight’s studying was a bust.
He’d completed ten of the twelve courses, and was so close to completing the eleventh, but for some reason Theories of Personality was kicking his ass, and what he needed was a break. Nothing to do with the excitement in the pit of his stomach.
Who am I kidding? Any excuse to visit the bar is a good one.
He didn’t have to analyze himself to know that he was desperate to see Nate again, only he had all the feels about how visiting now would be too soon. Nate was so unsure about the past, the future, whether or not he was a good dad, his bar, his wife, and Jared doubted Nate had made any kind of decision in two days about anything that he and Jared could do. Like kiss. Or date. Maybe he should ask Ethan if he wanted to go out, then it wouldn’t be all Jared’s fault if they ended up at Rhea’s Bar.
“Do you want to go out?” he asked his roommate, who was poring over individual index cards he kept shuffling. “Ethan?”
“Hmmm?” Ethan murmured, and then in a flurry of movement he switched two of the cards and then stood back to examine him. This is how he worked, visually, messing with compounds and theories and concepts that somehow made sense to him.
“A drink? You want to get one?”
“Osmium!” Ethan announced with dramatic flair, then swept all the cards off the table and pulled out a new set of cards still in their cellophane. Jared watched him fumble at getting the plastic off the cards, and took it from him, pulling out the cards and handing them to Ethan who blinked at him like a newborn in daylight.
“That’s a no on going out then.”
Ethan blinked at him some more. “Osmium,” he said, as if stating random elements made all the sense in the world.
“Definitely a no then.” Jared patted his friend on the back as he backed away from the mad scientist in training. It seemed as if it was just him on his own, heading out for a drink with no purpose other than to get out of the apartment and burn off some angst over all the studying. And now he couldn’t even blame Ethan.
So he’d find a local bar. The drink could be at any place—he didn’t have to go to a place where Nate might be working. Even if he went to Rhea’s, with its cozy atmosphere and its cocktails, that didn’t mean that Nate would even be there at seven in the evening. He might be home
