I stop in my tracks and I am bent doubleas I catch my breath. “Caroline,” I manage, but nothing else. I need to pauseand really get my breathing back to a normal rate before I continue. Part of meis concerned she will just take off in the wake of my colossal betrayal. Wouldshe really want to hear what I had to say? She remains steadfast and attempts tocommunicate. “Why Thomas? Why? After all we’ve been through! We were supposedto be in this together. It was us against him! Remember?!”
It is the question I knew she would askbut the one I struggle to answer without making myself sound pathetic because, ultimately,I used her as a scapegoat to save my own skin. I decide to open with anapology. “I am so sorry. There is no excuse for what I have done. Truthfully, Idon’t know why I did it; it just came out. He had me properly scared and backedinto a corner … the look on his face, Caroline, if you’d seen it!”
“Can’t you see, Thomas, that only makes ita hundred times worse! You knew how mad he was, and you tried to wriggle out ofit by shifting the blame my way!”
Rather cowardly I respond, “Well, it was morelike sharing the blame rather than shifting it. You were involved too.” Oops!
“Here I am thinking you came out here toapologise to me! I should have known! I’ve had it, Thomas! I’ve had it withhim, and I’ve had it with you!”
I watch in horror as her eyes widen andshe bolts off. Without even so much as a turn of my head I know the reason forher haste. He has caught up with us. This time I can’t help myself. I look backand there he is. It puts me in mind of a raging bull charging towards us. And likea bull, his head is down, nostrils flaring, and his sights are set on me.“Thomas! Thomas! Wait there, boy!” Not a chance. I set off in pursuit ofCaroline. Where is she headed? There is nowhere to go! She can’t head backwardswith father blocking the route. There is only one place she can go – the cliffedge; the tip of Neist Point.
We have been here before and not so longago. The weather conditions were poor then and we were close to having anaccident so I dread to think about what could happen today. I race onregardless; I can’t let him harm her. It is wild again; we no longer have theluxury of the lighthouse to shelter us. I see her standing there at the verytip of Neist Point, nowhere else for her to go, her body being flung this wayand that in the wind. She looks so vulnerable. If only I could turn the clocksback.
I go to her and outstretch my arms,gesturing for an embrace. I don’t expect her to reciprocate but she surprisesme when she does. “We can do this, Caroline, if we stand together, we can holdour nerve.” She breaks our embrace.
“I can’t trust you though, Thomas, I don’tknow what to think anymore.”
“You can! It was amoment of madness; I wasn’t thinking straight. We need to join forces orthere’s no way we will get through any of this. Please say you’re with me onthis! Please Caroline! He’s coming!”
“I’m with you, Thomas, I always havebeen.”
I make a foolish mistake. I peer over theedge. The jagged, stepped rock formations akin to those of the Giant’s Causewayin Northern Ireland are barely visible under a blanket of snow but I know theyare there. It puts me in mind of the vision I had the last time when we camehere – of mother’s tiny body being tossed from one of those stepped rockformations to the next on her way to her watery grave below. It would takenothing for him to push us over the edge, especially in these conditions. Westill have light, but it is starting to become dusky, sunset will not be toofar away. Then I feel it again, that impending sense of doom. We three arelocked in this frozen nightmare. I have never relished any of the punishmentshe has dished out to us up at the croft but suddenly out here being battered bythe wind and snow, so terribly exposed, I wish we were back there (and I neverthought I would ever say that!).
Then he is on us. There is no escape.There is nowhere for us to go for taking only a few steps backwards would meancertain death. Like a raging bull his blood is boiling. “Thomas, you havepushed me to the limit this time! You are to blame for my injury today and noone else. You have had me chase you out here – in this! It’s time you tookresponsibility for your actions and stop blaming other people!” He takes a steptowards us as he says this and, with no alternative, we are forced to take atentative step backwards.
I didn’t expect it and I am surprised asCaroline takes centre stage. “We have had enough of you bullying us! You spendall of your time dreaming up punishments for us. We decided it was time to turnthe tables and give you a taste of your own medicine!” Caroline has always beenvolatile, but she has seriously overstepped the mark this time. What was shethinking! I feel myself have an almost out of body experience, floating abovethe scene watching it unfold as though I were watching a movie. There is no wayto take those words back now, the admission of culpability is out there. Allthat remains to be seen is what he will do with it. Caroline is on a
