“Sorry Thomas, she’s right. I just can’tbelieve Caroline has gone and he’s still swanning about like an arrogant son ofa—”
“Right James! Really, that is quiteenough! Thomas is starting to feel better and you are going to make him unwellagain with all this chat.”
“It’s alright, honestly, Juliet. I am wellaware he should be held accountable but I am also only too well aware pursuinghim is what landed me in here in the first place and … well … sorry, I can’tfind the words but you know what I am trying to say … our beautiful Caroline.”The strain is etched across all of our faces.
Juliet, always the optimist, leads us outof our gloomy descent. “Changing the subject, Thomas, do you think you will bekept much longer in hospital?”
“That’s a good question and I need to findout what’s happening. I feel well enough physically but I’m not sure.”
“Well hopefully you can come home soon.”She doesn’t realise the gravitas and weight those simple words have on me;‘come home soon.’ How on earth would I even contemplate going back there? Mystomach lurches and I can feel the dinner I consumed earlier trying to make itsway back upwards, so I hastily swallow it back down. Thankfully, I am saved by thebell and don’t have to furnish her with a response for one of the nursesappears at the door. “What’s all the commotion in here? It’s time for you toget some rest, Thomas. Lights out please in the next half hour.”
I turn my attention to Juliet and James.“OK I hate to do this, but you better make tracks before I get into trouble.We’ll come up with something, don’t worry.” As I watch them leave, I am onceagain reminded of the weight of responsibility resting heavily on my shoulders.It all becomes too much, and my mind gives in when my body surrenders to sleep.
On waking the next morning instinctively,I reach out straight away for the notebook and read through its contents. Irealise I have come to the decision to hand it over to George. I don’t know himwell at all, but I am going to have to put my trust in someone. He has alreadyshown care and compassion towards me, so I am going to take a chance on him.Like clockwork he appears again at the same time and sits in his usual chair. Apositive thought seeps unwittingly into my psyche – since his visits, otherthan the breakdown I had experienced when writing about Caroline, I had managedto hold it together. This reassures me somewhat and cements the fact thathopefully I am making the right decision in trusting him.
The positivity continues to shine throughas I address him first without waiting on him to take the lead,
“Morning Mr Traynor.”
“Morning Thomas and, please, call meGeorge.”
“OK, morning George.”
“You seem to be in a good mood this morning,that is wonderful, Thomas. Now I am not putting any pressure on you whatsoever,but did you manage to jot any of your feelings down?” I answer his question bysimply raising the notebook which I had held in my lap at the ready. “That’sexcellent. Do you mind if I come over and collect it from you?”
“Be my guest.”
For an indeterminable period of time,George pours over its contents. I try to gauge his reaction from his facialexpression, but he is giving nothing away. Eventually he raises his head, shuttingthe notebook simultaneously. He is quiet, obviously taking his time to choosehis words carefully. “I can see you have been through a very traumatic time,Thomas.” It is a rhetorical statement. I bow my head in silent acknowledgement.“We have work to do, and I don’t think the hospital is the best place for you.”His words set off a blind panic within me and what happens next is a blur but Ican feel myself being physically restrained until yet another shot isadministered.
When I eventuallycome back to life, I get a shock – George is still here. He sees the panicstart to rise in me all over again and he is quick to act. “Thomas, no, it’sOK, you are not going to come to any harm, I promise you that. Please, relax.”Something about his tone and demeanour have the desired effect, I believe him.“I hope I am not over-stepping the mark here but the panic you experiencedearlier, was that brought on by the prospect of going back to the croft?”
I have never admitted this to a livingsole and I find myself nodding in agreement. “Given what you’ve been through,that’s completely understandable. Please can we start again? I need to firstlymake it clear; I don’t mean a return to the croft, Thomas, but do you feel thatyou should still be in hospital?” I simply shrug. Where else would I go? “If Icould find somewhere for you to stay, somewhere safe, what would you say?”
“I can’t leave mother, Juliet, and Jameswith him but … I can’t go back.”
At this, I start weeping, my whole bodyshaking and shuddering as the tears come unbounded, flowing freely. I knowthere is no way I can go back there, but leave my loved ones to his mercy?There is no stopping the torrent of emotion which pours out and George movesfrom his seat and holds me, squeezing me tightly. If anything, it has theimpact of making the tears come on even stronger in waves. Being held like thatfelt so good but this simple act of kindness tipped me over the edge, and Istayed like that weeping in his arms until there was nothing left.
“Leave it with me, son. I will speak tothe staff here and see what we can do. You may have to undergo a psychiatricevaluation so the specialists can assess your mental state before we moveforwards. But please, most importantly, do not worry. My priority is with your safety,first and foremost. Rest up and I’ll see you again tomorrow.” From thisencounter it was evident I now had a confidante, someone with whom I couldshare my problems with. He has read about my deepest, darkest moments andhasn’t ran away. It gives
