I admired how driven and focussed he wasand owe a lot to him as it had the effect of rubbing off on me. I was wellaware I was more aloof and flightier and there was always the danger that Imight not have made it to the end of the course but, with Thomas’encouragement, I stayed on track.
We graduated at the same time and by thispoint there was a strong bond between us. Neither one of us was ready to admitthere were romantic feelings involved but it was clear to all of our friendsand us, had we only been more open with one another. It took the graduationparty and copious amounts of alcohol for the truth and the depth of ourfeelings to be revealed. Once those words were spoken and we both knew where westood, we became inseparable. We were young yes but very much in love anddecided to make a go of it and the rest as they say is history! When Michaelcame along that was just the icing on the cake.
I have toyed with the idea of confessingto Thomas over the years that I knew him before we met at university. In fact,I have played out full conversations in my head but each time it falls apart.The whole situation is too weird. How could he possibly accept that I witnessedhis darkest moment as a young teenager then recognised him later in life andpursued a romantic relationship with him at university? What on earth would hethink? And all those occasions over the years when I have had to listen to hisedited version of events when he has talked about his upbringing, the painvisible to see. He has tried so hard to shield me from it, either not wantingto go there or too ashamed about how dysfunctional and traumatic it all was.And all the while I knew exactly what he had endured and was unable to sayanything. It has been the elephant in the room. We both knew what he wentthrough and neither one of us has been able to talk about it.
There were moments at the start of therelationship I did think I should tell him. It felt like a heavy weight I wascarrying around on my shoulders. However, each time I considered talking aboutit, I talked myself out of it – how would our fledgling romance survive aconfession of that magnitude? I was equally concerned about what effect talkingabout his past would have on him. I knew he had been counselled by George andhe had clearly done a great job, otherwise I’m quite sure Thomas wouldn’t havebeen mentally ready to undertake any further education. But even still, maybehis way of coping with everything was to forget about it and move forwards? It wasnot my place to go digging and cause him untold hurt and pain.
These past few weeks, however, the tidehas turned. I had let myself believe his past was dead and buried. After all,he has established a great financial advisory practice and everything has beengoing so well in our lives, including Michael, who has become such a confidentyoung man and a joy to be around. However, I was wrong. George has reappearedand, in his presence, my husband has started to fall apart. It is completelyout of character for him to just take off in the way he has done. It is obvioushe hasn’t dealt with all his problems from years ago.
But,the fact remains, I haven’t been completely honest with him; I have maintaineda secret from him for all these years. I glance in his direction and heacknowledges me with a lukewarm smile, his face woeful. I reciprocate and feignthe brightest smile I can muster. The car rumbles on, our destination yet to berevealed.
CHAPTER 20
Thomas
I
gaze upon the faces seated in the car and realise I havemuch to thank each and every one of them for. I didn’t expect Janey toaccompany me on my trip up north and by a twist of fate here she is, and ithits me all at once how grateful I am for that fact. My sister Juliet flanks meon the other side and equally it feels so reassuring to have here with me too.And then there is George.
It occurs to me that we have been througha lot together, George and I. Whilst I did not appreciate him turning up sounceremoniously in the middle of the night not so long ago, without his pokingand prodding, it is highly unlikely I would have contemplated taking the tripup here. I had been beyond shocked when we stood face to face that night but ifI am honest with myself, I always knew that this day was coming. I have onceagain put my trust in him as I did all those years ago when I was just a boy.He has stressed that there is unfinished business for me here on Skye which Imust face up to and I will once again be led by him.
George really came through for me when Ihit my lowest ebb. He knew all those years ago when I was due to leave thehospital (whilst I felt torn about leaving mother, Juliet, and James), that Icould never go back to the croft. He liaised with all the relevant authoritieson my behalf and, with my agreement, placed me in foster care.
It was very strange to begin with,starting all over again in a strange environment with people I didn’t know.However, in time I began to think of it as my home. My foster parents were Pauland Rachael Sands; a young couple who sadly were unable to have children oftheir own. They provided a safe haven and were very encouraging when it came topursuing my education. They would tell me to ‘aim high’ and that ‘anything waspossible if I put my mind to it.’ This, of course, was in stark contrast to theupbringing I’d experienced on the croft, so it was hard for those words to sinkin initially. I had a very skewed and
