ButI am also left somewhat confused. He knows from my confessions in my notebookthat I am partly to blame for Caroline’s death. Why is he being caring andcompassionate towards me? Perhaps this is just a smokescreen? Perhaps he plansto hand the notebook over to the Police as evidence. Then my mind starts toconjure up all kinds of scenarios. I imagine the Police will appear at myhospital bed sometime soon to read me my rights …
CHAPTER 18
Present DayGeorge
A
s we take off on our journey, I glance over at Thomas in myrear-view mirror sitting next to his wife and I cast my mind back to our firstmeetings all those years ago when he was in hospital. It was highly unusual forme to be called upon to visit a client who was still being treated in ahospital. In fact, highly unusual doesn’t cover it, I have simply never beenasked to do it before in all the years I have been practicing as a counsellor.However, this was no ordinary case.
The medical staff simply did not know whatto do with Thomas. The trauma he was experiencing on a daily basis was unlikeanything they had encountered before. They had been managing his outbursts byadministering shots of sedative at varying degrees of strength but that couldonly ever continue in the short term. Seriously concerned for his welfare andunable to send him back home at this point, they searched for a localcounsellor who specialised in dealing with children affected by trauma, hencemy involvement. He needed an extensive psychiatric evaluation, but he was sotraumatised at the time, they figured it might help to bring me in to calmthings down in the meantime.
What I didn’t see coming was the way hemoved me. It is at the very core of your training not to become involved withany of your clients. Be sympathetic, yes; compassionate, definitely, butalways, always remain objective. Something about the boy called out to me and Iknew from that first visit I had to help him. Years of pain and trauma had lefttheir mark. He wore that pain like a suit of armour, and it was going to taketime to get him to fully trust in me to be able to work with him. In thoseearly days, however, I think he was just grateful to see a friendly face.
I felt encouraged when staff had told methat my visits were having a positive impact. His uncontrollable and incoherentoutbursts were happening less and less frequently. I remember on one of thoseearly visits passing him a notebook and pen, unsure whether he would be able totransfer some of his pain and anguish trapped within onto paper. What I readchilled me to the core.
What Thomas had endured at the hands ofhis father was abhorrent. But it became evident as I read on why he wasexperiencing all these outbursts in hospital. He blamed himself entirely for whathad happened to Caroline. Some of the writing was illegible as you could see ithad been scrawled and written with haste but there was no mistaking the overallsentiment – he had laid the entirety of the blame firmly with himself.
I have kept the notebook and his file.They are still housed in my office. This morning I leafed through the pages ofthe notebook again, remembering how raw and vulnerable Thomas was at that time.The writing would flow well, then there would be scribblings and ranting phrasesin the margin of the page or whole sections scored out. Some of the phraseswhere he has tried to emphasise a point are written with a very heavy hand. Somuch so, there are pages which are torn where the pen has ripped right through.And some pages were ripped out entirely.
Some of the legible rants included ‘THEBLOOD IS ON MY HANDS!’, ‘She is an angel, I am the DEVIL’, ‘No-one will loveyou now, Thomas!’ (This one in particular gave me cause for concern as hewas writing about himself in third person). And worryingly, ‘You might aswell end it all now.’ He was only fourteen years old, way too young to behaving suicidal thoughts.
Throughout his description of the eventsat Neist Point on the day he ended up being admitted to hospital, he never onceheld his father accountable for anything. Even his own injuries – he believedit was what he deserved, and more. He describes losing his sister Caroline andthat her demise was entirely his fault. We had a lot of work to do. Once he hadbeen through a thorough psychiatric evaluation, I remember reading the report(a copy of which is also still kept in my office) which gave me a betterunderstanding on how to work with him.
Looking in my rear-view mirror again, Isee that same troubled, lost soul looking back at me now. I had to bring himback, it was obvious he had never worked through everything. His case hashaunted me over the years. I had to step in again and help Thomas find closureonce and for all.
Iwas well aware he had created a good life for himself but, at the same time,was also well aware that he had never fully dealt with all the demons from hispast. To this day I know he still blames himself and we have to put an end tothis. He has to be made aware of the full facts, revisiting it as an adult andfacing it all over again. I only hope he is strong enough to deal with it allnow. We shall soon find out …
CHAPTER 19
Present DayJaney
I
can see George occasionally glancing back at Thomas in hisrear-view mirror and realise that he is as nervous as I am. Riding in the backof the car I end up turning my attention out of the window, not wanting Thomasto see the beads of sweat popping up on my forehead. I have been periodicallysqueezing his hand in a gesture of reassuring support but had to loosen my gripas I felt my hands starting to go clammy too.
I was anxious for what lay ahead for himbut, at the same time, anxious for the future
