It was surprising that twenty years hadpassed but I still knew my way around Skye. In particular, the way back to thecroft. Another surprise (and initially I couldn’t decide whether it was apleasant one or not), were my siblings’ presence in the car. All three wereaccompanying me. I was not alone. Even after all the evidence I had beenpresented with, it seemed that the mind literally had a mind of its own! Deepdown I knew they weren’t real and the sane, logical part of me questioned howthey could possibly have just appeared out of nowhere. But, at the same time,it was undoubtedly comforting to know they were there. I reasoned that I couldtackle my demons and confront my mental health issues when I returned to theScottish Borders. For now, I decided that I was happy to entertain each andevery one of them.
They were chattingamongst themselves and I was picking up snippets of conversation here and there… “he’s not going back there” … “we’ll turn off soon” … “nope, it doesn’t lookgood.” Until, eventually, James plucked up the courage to speak to me directly.“Thomas please, turn the car around! You can’t go back there!”
I went to answer him but was addressingall three when I said; “There will be no turning back. I am going to the croft.I need to confront him and nothing any of you say can change my mind.”
Juliet this time, showing her usualconcern for my welfare; “But Thomas, look how far you’ve come. You don’t needto go back there. He might be twenty years older but he’s still more thancapable of inflicting damage. Maybe not so much so physically but mentally – heis wicked! Please, think about what you are doing. Don’t do it, Thomas,please.”
She is only voicingher concern; I am well aware of that but with more than a little agitation Irespond, “Look here, I found out something today which has quite literallyblown my mind. George Traynor, who I know to be my counsellor, it turns out wehave a more intimate relationship than that – he is my father! So, thatgodforsaken piece of shite festering away in that croft up there is absolutelynothing to me! And he needs to know that I know. This can only be done face toface, man to man. I am no longer the little lost boy he once terrorised. I needto do this for me. I need retribution; to confront that beast. This day hasbeen a long time in coming! I will give him a piece of my mind and for once, hewill have to listen to me.” They are temporarily silenced after my passionateoutburst.
George
Now he knows. The enormity of the situation starts tosettle in. I could sense that, all of a sudden, he no longer knew how to actaround me. Our roles had shifted exponentially and neither of us knew what todo next. I wanted to embrace him, my long-lost son, my broken boy. But this isnot the time. I can’t force a relationship and he has many emotional woundswhich run deep and need to be addressed before he can move on in his life. Iknow one thing for sure though, I will be there for him whenever, period.
In time, it is my hope that he can trustme and lean on me. To trust me enough to let me fully into his life andpotentially forge a relationship with the grandson I have never met too. At thesame time, I cannot let my mind run away with itself too much, fantasisingabout what might be. All I ever wanted was to meet someone, fall in love, andstart a family. It was a cruel twist of fate that the only woman I ever wantedwas already taken and that she was married to such a brute.
Then it occurs to me,I have a daughter-in-law sat through there I need to reacquaint myself with inmy new role as her father-in-law. But slowly does it. Undoubtedly Thomas willbe with her now, informing her about the new status quo. The best thing to do Ideduce, is to keep a low profile until either of them approach me first.
I don’t want to barge in when they are inthe midst of conversation, so I give it some time then cautiously, I edgetowards the door and exit the office towards the living room. I take in thescene … no Thomas. Only Janey is present, sat with her head in her hands. Shesprings to her feet as I enter.
“George, tell me now, what did that birthcertificate say?”
“Has Thomas not spoken with you?”
“No George, he upped and left, making anexcuse about needing to go out to get something for dinner.”
This was worrying. It was clear whereThomas was headed. “Janey, I fear I know where Thomas is going.” I motion forher to sit back down. “I never envisioned being the one to tell you and itisn’t right, but I have no choice. Hopefully, Thomas will understand that. I ampretty certain that he is going to the croft to confront Bert. Bert is notThomas’s father, Janey, I am.”
I watch the wholerange of emotions play out on her face. Shock gives way to confusion and,eventually, realisation dawns. This time, she launches herself upwards andtowards the door at lightning speed.
“Well, are you coming or what?”
“Of course!” I say asilent prayer for Thomas’ safety and hope that we get there in time before Berthas a chance to inflict any more damage.
Thomas has taken theBMW, leaving us with the Volkswagen Polo. Not a particularly fast vehicle butnevertheless, Janey still manages to take off at breakneck speed. Her foot isflat to the floor on the accelerator pedal, and I have to ask her to ease offslightly. If we are to be of any assistance to Thomas, we have to get there inone piece!
Janey has never been to the croft, so Inavigate us there. The conversation is largely related to the giving andreceiving of
