Blake pulls me off the path, through the trees, a safe distance away from everyone.
And then… it’s just the two of us, the air around us prickling as Blake looks at me.
“Emily…,” she starts, her voice trailing off as she swallows. “I don’t know. I just, uh…” She looks down at her feet, shifting uneasily like she’s working up to something. I’ve never seen Blake scared of anything, and something about that terrifies me. “I know there’s this whole plan tonight, but if I’ve learned anything this summer from your mom’s list, it’s how important it is to put yourself out there and take chances. And… this right here is literally the last chance I have to tell you how I really feel.”
I freeze as the air gets punched right out of my lungs. I want to pull my hand from hers and clasp it over her mouth before she can say it. Before she can say exactly what I want to hear and exactly what I don’t.
She looks at me with those warm brown eyes that find their way into every single one of my thoughts. “I like you, Emily. I really like you. To be honest with you, I was pretty scared to move to Huckabee. But then I sat down next to you at that bingo fundraiser, and you smiled at me, and I knew almost instantly everything was going to be okay.” The corner of her mouth ticks up into a smile as she talks. “I’ve loved every minute of this summer with you. I’ve loved planning with you, and listening to you talk about your mom, and how brave you’ve been when you have to jump off a cliff and you really don’t want to. I love how you tell jokes when you get nervous, and the way you smile when you talk about baking, and how it feels when you look at me. And I love all the things about you that you’re scared to show people. Your sadness, and your pain, and your fear, because without it, you wouldn’t be you.”
All at once I’m hit with two overwhelming emotions.
The first dances around my chest in a way I have never experienced with anyone, the stars above us shining brighter than ever. It feels real, and overwhelming, and so dizzying, my entire world shifts.
The other is an overpowering dread that sits heavy in my stomach, the feeling the same as when I stepped off the Misty Oasis bus that summer and saw that something was wrong with my mom.
I never got to tell her what I felt, and who I felt it for. Never got to know what she would have said. What she would have wanted for me.
So I shoved it down so deep, I could pretend it never happened. If I was with Matt, though, I could know. I could know she would’ve been happy.
And I could pretend I was fine with her never knowing, because maybe there was nothing to know in the first place.
But there was.
There is.
I stare at Blake, words escaping me. Both sides fighting within me.
“I know,” she says, when it’s clear I can’t form a sentence. “I know you think your mom wanted you to be with Matt. I know you think that finishing the list and being with him is how you can keep her with you and live your life the way she wanted you to live it. I can understand that. But—” Her grip tightens on my hand and she takes a step closer. “But, Emily… from everything you and my dad have told me about her, from everything this list has taught me about her, what she would have wanted, more than any fairy tale, is for you to be happy. For real. She would have wanted you to try your luck on something real.”
I pull my hand from hers, taking a step back.
It’s not that simple, Blake, I want to shout. But… she can’t possibly understand. She didn’t grow up in Huckabee, where this is still pretty far from the norm. More important, though, she didn’t have her dying mom tell her how right things could be if she gave this one specific boy a chance, like she’d given my dad a chance all those years ago. A boy that was pretty close to perfect, bringing flowers to the hospital and being there for me during the hardest moment of my life.
But not perfect for you.
The thought comes to me like a traitor, from the part of me that wants nothing more than to kiss her right now. The part of me my mom never knew. Can never know.
The part that for all those reasons… I can never be.
“Blake, I… I can try my luck a hundred times, but I can never bring her back. I’ll never know what she really wants. Except for this.”
It takes everything in me to break this pull between us, but finally I turn, pushing through the trees, everything hazy as I fight my way along the path to the bonfire. I break into the clearing, the light and the sound overwhelming me, colors and shapes all morphing together. I take a deep breath, trying to steady myself.
“Em,” I hear Kiera say, feel her pressing a beer bottle into my hand. “You’re just in time to play truth or dare!” She leans in as she pulls me over to the group, whispering now. “It’s showtime.”
I sit down on a giant log, joining the circle formed around the bonfire. Looking up, I see Matt sitting across the way, his lips pulling up into a knowing smile as Kiera ushers more people over. She’s always able to get things going, and tonight is no exception.
“I like your dress,” he mouths, motioning to his torso and then to me.
I smile back at him, but it feels so forced and wrong, just like this white floral dress
