My mind starts the countdown it always has.
But for the first time, I finally realize what I hope it’s counting down to.
I realize deep down, I’m waiting for it to fix me. Like I thought the list fixed me. To make everything right. To make this part of me, the part that my mom never knew, right.
But it doesn’t.
When I pull away, my eyes search for Blake just over Matt’s shoulder. She’s looking away, out at the dark lake, her jaw set, hurt painted onto every feature on her face.
Automatically, I take a step back, and Matt’s hand falls from my waist, his thick eyebrows jutting up in surprise at my reaction. Everyone around us is cheering their approval, but I think he can tell something is wrong. I think we both can.
Blake turns and pushes past our classmates, walking out of the clearing and into the woods, disappearing into the darkness of the tree line.
I watch her leave, my unlucky heart ripping like a sheet of paper, a list being torn apart.
28
I sit silently through the rest of the bonfire, Matt next to me, Kiera shooting me questioning looks from across the circle.
“Is something wrong?” Matt whispers in my ear. “Was it what Kevin said about the underclassmen?”
I shake my head. “I think I’m just tired.”
I look around me, and everything… should be fine. I mean, everything is fixed. My reputation. My friend group. The glares and the snide remarks completely silenced.
I mean, Jake is acting like nothing happened. Ryan and Olivia are even perfectly fine with hanging out with us.
But nothing feels fine. Not to me.
I slip away early, making up an excuse about going to the bathroom, but by the time I get back to our room, Blake is already asleep.
I want to wake her up. To say something. But I made a choice tonight that I can’t undo. Everything is ruined.
I don’t have a list to make this right.
My phone lights up with texts from Matt and Kiera, but I crawl into bed, squeezing my eyes shut. The look on her face as she walked away circles around inside my head, replaying over and over again beneath my eyelids, until inevitable stomach-aching sobs force their way out. I bury my face deep in my pillow in an attempt to muffle the noise.
Slowly, slowly, the sobs give way to sleep.
When I wake up the next morning to my alarm going off, Blake is already gone. Her bed empty, her things packed, the only sign she was ever here at all is the mess of white sheets, a lingering outline in the mattress.
It takes more effort than I could possibly imagine to get ready and packed, the bus rumbling noisily outside, waiting for all of us to board.
When Mr. Sanders’s voice rings through the halls, letting us know we have five minutes to get on, I take a deep breath, trying to keep it together. I check my phone and see all the unread messages, and it only pushes me closer to the brink, the air hiccuping as it passes through my lips.
I need to go home. I just need to go home.
The thought pushes me out of the room and down the stairs, the bus doors hissing open to let me on. The first person I see when I step inside is Kiera. Her eyes widen in alarm, knowing in an instant something isn’t right. I look away, searching the bus for…
Blake.
She’s sitting two seats up from Kiera, the hood of her sweatshirt pulled up over a baseball hat, a pair of earbuds in her ears.
I pause as I pass her, but she turns away to look out the window, ignoring me.
I stand there in the middle of the aisle, completely immobilized, until I feel Kiera’s hand wrapping around my wrist, pulling me into the seat next to her.
“Emily. What’s wrong? What happened?” she whispers, her voice concerned. Her gaze flicks between me and Blake, trying to make sense of what’s going on.
Home. Just make it home.
I shake my head, squeezing my eyes shut, forcing the tears down. “Nothing,” I say, but my voice betrays me, breaking on the last syllable.
“You wanna sit with me?” a voice asks, and I open my eyes to see Matt right in front of me, Jake peering around him to wiggle his eyebrows up and down.
There’s a long, awkward pause as I stare up at him.
“Nope, sorry, Matt!” Kiera jumps in, saving me, finding words when I can’t find any. “Playing the best-friend card here. I haven’t seen her all summer.” She waves him along, and I barely have time to register the confusion on his face, my head spinning.
“Em. What the hell is going on? Why are you being like this when we just fixed everything? I mean, why are you trying to wreck everything again when you want to be with Matt?” Kiera whispers once he’s out of view, but I shake my head.
“Do I?” I whisper back, angry. “Or do you want me to, just so you can have a perfect senior year? Bet it’s a real shame you can’t just spend the whole year at Misty Oasis, with Todd and all your drama-free friends.”
We stare at each other for a long moment, both of us stunned. Finally, she grabs her backpack, nodding. “Yeah. It’s a real shame. At least I know they’d actually talk to me instead of just shutting me out.”
My eyes fill with tears as she slides past me, moving to a free spot three spaces up.
I put my earbuds in as we pull out of the parking lot, alternating between staring out the window, trying not to cry, and glancing in the driver’s rearview mirror at Blake.
I need to talk to her.
The rest of the ride I try to come up with something to say, but just like last night, none of it feels like it’s enough. None of it feels like it can fix this.
I know, though, that I need
