His lashes flicker as the setting sun glistens in his gaze.
‘You need to let go of the guilt and live your life again, Valentine.’
His laugh surprises me, the sudden brightness in his eyes too. ‘Believe it or not, I’m starting to realise that. I’m not sure I can ever let go of the guilt, but the living again...’ He turns to look at me, his eyes warm, his smile small. ‘Thanks to you.’
My heart pulses in my chest, warmth radiating out from my core as I smile, my vision blurring with fresh tears. ‘So, what you’re saying is, I helped you just as much as you’ve helped me?’
His eyes are back on the road, but his smile grows. ‘Yes, I guess I am.’
‘Seems like we have quite the arrangement!’
He gives a soft laugh. ‘Only I want more than just this arrangement, Olivia.’
He flicks me a look and I frown as a tiny flutter of panic erupts.
‘What do you mean?’
‘Isn’t it obvious?’
‘I... I don’t know. I like what we have.’
‘I like it too, a lot.’
I wet my lips, pull my hand away to grip my other in my lap. ‘So why change things?’
He spies the move, his smile dying on his lips and he doesn’t answer. We slip into an awkward silence punctuated by the windscreen wipers as rain begins to fall. I think back to the first day he came to my house in the torrential rain, and how different things were then. My chest aches as I realise the truth of it, that I want more too, but I can’t. We can’t.
He pulls up outside my place and as I turn to look at him I can’t bear to say goodbye.
‘Will you come in?’
‘I think you should hear me out first.’
I grip my hands tighter in my lap and I want to tell him to stop but I can’t find the words.
‘Firstly, I’m sorry for how I spoke to you at the track. I have no desire to treat you like Nathan or your father. I would never, ever do that to you.’
‘I know you wouldn’t.’
‘But—’
‘Please, Valentine. We have a good thing going on. Let’s not get all serious and...and ruin it.’
‘It’s too late for that. I already am serious about you.’
‘But we’re working together, we have the business—’
‘And that’s pretty much done and dusted. I have a few more suggestions to discuss with you and the board but I can wrap them up into a report and send it to Alan. You can take them or leave them, but our business relationship has no bearing on this now.’
I swallow down the lump wedging my throat shut. ‘There might be other things you can advise on, other contracts...’
‘It was never a contract in the first place; it was a favour to a friend, my mentor.’
‘What?’ I frown. ‘What do you mean?’
‘I told you Alan brought me in because of my past and he knew I would understand you.’
‘But it was a job, a paid contract.’
‘No. It wasn’t. I didn’t need money to help someone I thought was hurting.’
‘You thought was hurting?’ My frown deepens as his words sting. ‘You make me sound heartless.’
‘No, you’re anything but that, Olivia.’ His eyes soften into mine. ‘If you were heartless this would be so much easier to walk away from.’
‘But you don’t need to walk away. Why can’t we just carry on as we are? Now that I understand what happened I can be more sympathetic, I can—’
‘Stop, Olivia. Just, stop. I don’t want to change you. I’m trying to tell you that I’m in love with you. Just the way you are.’
I can’t... He didn’t... I can’t be hearing him right.
‘But I can’t carry on like this...’ He reaches for my hands, covers them with his own as his eyes search mine. ‘I can’t be around you without loving you. Without caring. And sometimes I’ll worry, and I may overreact, and you’ll have every right to bollock me for it.’
I open my mouth, close it again. Oh, God.
‘But I... I love you. I love your zest for life, I love your spark, your intelligence, your heart.’
His words run over themselves in my head, my stomach rolls, and all the while my heart skips along like it’s the best thing I’ve ever heard. When it’s not. It can’t be.
He gives a pained laugh. ‘Is it really so horrifying to hear?’
‘You can’t love me.’
‘I do.’
‘But...but how? I don’t get it. You hate how I live my life, the risks you believe I take.’
‘None of that changes the way I feel about you.’
I remove a shaky hand from beneath his, rake it through my hair, try to take a breath, clear my brain that’s racing as fast as my pulse.
‘But we would never work in a real relationship.’
‘Why?’
‘For the same reason you flipped out on the track! I want to live life a hundred miles an hour for as long as possible and you want to do the complete opposite. I can’t live like that, not again.’
‘No, and I understand that. I get it. I know why you push yourself so hard, but I also know that being loved for the person you are is the healthiest love of all. And I do love you for who you are. I don’t want to change you. I want to learn to live again, with you.’
‘But...but don’t you see? I’m too old for you; you tie yourself to me and you will make the same sacrifices I did. You’ll resent me.’
‘Did you resent Nathan because he was older than you?’
I’m quiet for a beat. Two. ‘No. I didn’t. But... I would never want that for you.’
‘Why?’
‘Because I want you to start living your life again and tying yourself to me long-term won’t help you do that.’
‘You’ve done a pretty good job showing me how to live again so far.’
‘Because we’re fooling around,
