At first I was devastated. Moving out of the dorm where Nikki had lived felt like losing her again. But I understood why I couldn’t be there anymore.
When someone dies because you love them too fiercely, you turn off the part of yourself that knows how to love. Then you move to a cabin away from other people and make sure it never happens again.
I push the door open, and the floor creaks when I walk inside. Josh is waiting for me, sitting in my desk chair. Equinox is next to him, shoving his black head into Josh’s side, purring.
“What are you doing here?”
“It’s my last night. I want to spend it with you.” He scratches Nox’s head. “And you, Nox,” he adds. His accent gets heavy when he’s tired. Tomorrow, he’ll fly back to his campus in the English countryside, and we won’t see each other again.
He got here three weeks ago for the wildfire training. He didn’t heed the warnings about me because he’s arrogant, and I didn’t stop him because there was no risk of me loving him.
Maybe years ago there would have been, but not anymore.
Besides, tonight is the equinox, and when summer turns to autumn, any affection I have for Josh will fade. It’s a consequence of being an Everwitch—being tied to all four seasons means I change with them.
Tomorrow morning, my feelings for Josh will disappear, just in time for him to fly home to London.
But right now it’s still summer, and what I want more than anything is the false comfort of his warm body next to mine.
“Then stay,” I say.
I take Josh’s hand, and he follows me the three steps to the bed. He tugs me close to him, brushes his lips against my neck.
Until this moment, I didn’t realize how much I needed this, needed him. I close my eyes and let go of the heaviness of the day. It will be waiting for me in the morning, but for now, all I want is to shut off my brain, shut off the worries and expectations and crushing guilt that rule my waking thoughts.
I pull Josh onto the bed, and his weight on top of me replaces everything else. For one more night, I can pretend I’m not so lonely that it has practically hollowed me out.
For one more night, I can pretend I remember what it feels like to love someone. To be loved in return.
So I do. I pretend.
We fill the darkness with heavy breaths and tangled limbs and swollen lips, and by the time the moon reaches its highest point in the sky, Josh is asleep beside me.
The autumnal equinox is in seven minutes.
In seven minutes and one second, the reality of my life will come crashing down on me. My magic will morph to align with autumn, and I will be a more distant version of myself.
Suddenly, I’m furious, searing-hot rage coursing through me. It isn’t enough that I’m dangerous, that my magic seeks out those closest to me. I’m also forced to change with the seasons and watch versions of myself drift away like leaves trapped in a current.
My skin gets hot, and my breaths come shallow and quick. I try my best to calm down, but something inside me is breaking. I’m so sick of losing things.
Of losing myself.
The sun will pull me to autumn the way the moon pulls the tide.
My chest is tight. There’s an ache so deep, so strong within me I’m sure it’s radiating out my back and into Josh’s stomach.
Four more minutes.
My body hurts from trying to stay still, perfectly still, so Josh doesn’t see how torn up I am. He shifts behind me and tightens his arm, pulling me close to his chest.
The room is silent except for his slow, even breathing, and I try to match my breaths to his.
Thirty seconds.
I scoot back into Josh, getting as close as possible, no space left between us.
This time, I’m going to fight. I will hold on to Josh and refuse to let go. The equinox will pass, and I’ll stay right here. I’ll want to stay right here.
I grasp Josh’s arm, and he sleepily murmurs my name, nuzzles his face into my hair.
A shiver runs up my spine, and I cling to him with both hands, refusing to let go.
Three.
I won’t let go.
Two.
I won’t.
One.
Autumn
Chapter Three
“The first day of autumn is notable because the air turns to blades, imperceptible points and edges that remove any trace of summer. The seasons are jealous like that, unwilling to share the spotlight.”
—A Season for Everything
I let go of Josh’s arm. My palms are hot and sweaty from gripping him so tightly. My breathing returns to normal, and the anger inside me fades to defeat.
I lost. Again.
I don’t know why I try, why I keep doing this to myself. It is always the same.
And yet, I wonder what it would be like to go to sleep knowing with absolute certainty that I’d feel the same way about the person lying next to me in the morning. But as soon as I think it, I bury the thought.
I’ll never wake up knowing anything with absolute certainty, least of all how I feel.
We’re too close, Josh and I. I roll out of bed and open the window as far as it will go. The autumn air is sharp, and a cloudless night stretches out beyond the glass.
Josh stirs, and I slip into my sweats and put the teakettle on. I watch Josh sleep, still and calm. When the kettle whistles, he wakes up.
His presence isn’t as strong now. As the Earth’s position to the sun changes and we get further from summer, Josh’s magic will weaken. And when summer arrives once more, his power will reach full
