I headed to the station to talk to the sergeant. Originally I’d planned to cut my shifts by half, that would give me enough time in the coming weeks to prepare for our New Zealand trip. Once I got there, I changed my mind. I decided that planning with Mark was definitely going to take up a lot of my time, and I didn’t really want to spend the rest of my life among the scum at work. I wanted to be with Dad and Ruby! I took time off until further notice, informed the sergeant of my trip to the east and promised to come see him after getting back to Australia.
I’d never lied to him before, but given that everything in me was already writhing in fear, anxiety and pain, the lie didn’t feel nearly as bad as I’d expected it to. What got me onto my knees was another thing altogether. The sergeant was a great person, and so was Emma. Seeing their sad smiles, their warmth and sadness, and the rest of the scale of human emotions, made me feel incredibly guilty.
How could I not tell them anything? Not give them an opportunity to spend as much time as possible with their loved ones, and maybe even tick a few things off their bucket lists? I wanted to save their lives, but what if it meant endangering the safety of my family?
After that day I started to act a little erratic. I would often stop on the street, in a shop, at work, to stare at people’s faces. Who are you? Do you have a family? Do you love and are you loved? Are you an honourable citizen? Do you deserve to survive? Some returned my stare just as intensely, probably wondering if I was losing my marbles.
I couldn’t understand how Mark, Andrew and the others from The Collective always managed to keep calm and be so collected and reserved in public, because I was a complete mess. However hard I tried to hide my mental state from Dad, I was definitely not successful. There was no doubt that he knew something huge was up. For the first time I found myself wishing it was just cancer…
But I couldn’t waste my time sinking into depression and hiding under the blankets. Despite not feeling like it at all, I forced myself to get up early every day, spend time with Ruby, have breakfast with Dad. After that, the usual trip to see Mark and learn a little more…
I’d discovered that I was probably the only member of The Collective who has family among the survivors. Before Mark pointed it out to me, I hadn’t even considered myself to be one of them. But my knowledge of their activities and the fact that I wasn’t doing anything to stop them meant that I really did belong there. That led me to question what exactly they wanted from me. According to Mark, things would start happening even without my help, but I still felt like there was something I was supposed to do. As it turned out, I didn’t have to wait long to find out.
“There is only a limited number of the vaccines,” Mark started gently, looking at me quizzically, “but the plague itself…”
“I see,” I swallowed and felt my body stiffen with coldness that had nothing to do with the temperature of the room. “There are more than enough injections with the virus.”
We were looking into each other’s eyes for a moment.
“I’m supposed to get infected in the first line, is that what you want from me?” I hated my shaking, anxious voice.
Mark nodded and I had to hold on to a wall to stay upright. Why did I not realise this sooner?
Only when I opened my eyes I realised that Mark was holding me up.
My mind was racing. How long will I be able to resist the plague before it infects me? A week, two weeks? Was I just supposed to wait for death to find me, or welcome it with open arms while being the one to eliminate a few repulsive individuals right from the start? A few familiar faces popped up in my mind, people who’d show up at the station for a signature every other day. Men and women who were receiving inadequate punishment for their despicable actions and got away with so much because of insufficient evidence. One look at them was all it took to know with absolute certainty that the person standing in front of you is anything but good.
“Okay, I’ll do it.”
Mark
I had almost expected Connie to refuse, but I was glad she’d decided to go ahead with it. I felt bad that I hadn’t approached her sooner, but I hadn’t known she would be so willing to help.
It was obvious that she was barely holding up. She might have been aware of what was to come, but it still hit her hard to suddenly get a concrete idea of each of the steps. I wondered what she was thinking about. I assumed it was her own death and how soon it was to come, because it was on my mind too. I couldn’t bear to watch her suffering, so I quickly offered a new piece of information to distract her a little.
“I’ll soon be able to give you a vaccine for Frank and Ruby,” I told her.
Her relief was almost palpable. I hope she didn’t think I’d been lying to her about the protection of her family?
“I’ll show you how to administer it later. The needle is so thin that they’ll barely feel it, you can even do it when they’re asleep.”
She was still rubbing her temples, but at least she wasn’t staggering anymore. “Have you ever given it to anyone?”
“No,” I admitted. “Actually, I’m only telling you what our chemist and the doctor told me.”
She
