That evening at seven o’clock I got into a car parked in front of an old hardware store. Ross, our chemist, was already waiting for me inside.
“Here you are,” he got down to business immediately and handed me the briefcase. It was small and silver and there was a lock next to the handle.
“Thanks. What’s the code?”
He shrugged. “Dunno. I just put the two vaccines in there. As far as I know, Andrew and Molly came up with the code.”
“I didn’t know that,” I admitted. Why didn’t Andrew or the doctor mention anything today? We were in the office together all morning. “I’ll ask him.”
We were sitting in silence for a while, watching the drizzle outside and the fog spreading on the car window.
“Ross,” I finally dared to say. “Do you ever think about what it’s gonna be like when… the epidemic starts?”
He cleared his throat. “I’m trying not to. I want it to happen and I’m terrified of it at the same time.”
It wasn’t common for The Collective members to share their feelings about the plague and their own death. But when we did, we had our psychiatrist there. She could guide us through whatever emotion we had, calm us down, support us. Or write a prescription. It was a tad amusing that we were prescribed anxiety or depression relieving medication by someone who was planning to commit a suicide attack in the near future.
“Me, too.” I’d made my peace with it, and at the same time I was still having anxiety attacks, more and more frequently as The Day approached. Also, now there was another factor…
I disliked admitting it to myself but it felt like I’d succumbed to weakness or something. When did I first realise that I like Connie? That I like her a lot? She was so incredibly feminine, gentle and strong at the same time, with a heart that could carry the entire world. I enjoyed watching the evidence of her devotion to her family. I was thinking about her more and more. It made me happy whenever she came to see me. And when she was leaving, I was ready to do anything that would make her stay with me just a little bit longer. After she’d left, I couldn’t wait to see her again.
When we’d had lunch today in the vegan restaurant, even though Connie was pretty upset, it almost reminded me of a normal life. The kind I’ve never had but always craved. I wanted to have lunch with her every day. I had to basically force myself to keep talking about The Collective’s plans, while wanting so much to talk about anything else.
I sighed and turned to Ross. “Do you ever have any doubts?”
“How’d you mean?” he asked and kept looking ahead. “If we’re doing the right thing? I have no doubts about that. If I’m ready to die? I guess…”
I was sitting in his car, so it was up to me to say goodbye and get out. But I was stuck in my place, a thousand thoughts swirling in my head. One of them was getting louder and clearer every minute. I just didn’t know if I could say it out loud.
“Ross…” I started and realised that my next question will be incredibly selfish and treacherous. There might even have been some consequences for this if the end wasn’t so near.
“I guess I know what you want to ask,” he sighed.
Our eyes met. How could he…?
“You want to know if I have any spare vaccines?” he asked without blinking.
Just two! For me and Connie, some irrepressible inner voice was screaming. Why was I letting these fantasies overwhelm me? I barely know her! And she’s dying! Even if she’d survived the plague, she wouldn’t be here for long. What role did I play in her life?
She hasn’t given me any signs that my feelings were returned. What am I doing? Why am I destroying my reputation and my colleagues’ trust for some impossible visions of the future?
I couldn’t answer Ross, but I’d say that my silence was an answer in and of itself.
“I don’t, Mark,” he answered quietly. But there were no traces of reproach in his voice. “You know that we only made a certain amount of injections. We have these two for the Fialas here in Perth and that’s it.”
I’d thought I wasn’t afraid to die. But when it came down to it, I was shitting my pants. I guess I’d stopped caring who would be around to witness it. Was it unmanly to show fear?
“What if we fail at administering them?”
“I was told it’ll be Connie doing it. If I was doing this for my family, if I had any of course, I’d make damn sure to do it right. Don’t worry, they won’t need any spares. Either way I don’t have any more.”
I nodded and tried to relax the tight ball in my throat.
“If it helps… you’re not the first to ask that. And you won’t be the last. I’d say that the human instinct of self-preservation is still stronger than anything we think we believe. And… even if there was an extra vaccine, do you think I’d get away with just giving it to someone like that?”
If I’d never met her, would I still have asked Ross about this? I couldn’t say.
We were sitting there in silence for a while longer, before I grasped the handle of the briefcase and walked out into the wet night.
Connie
“Would you really like your family to watch you die?”
Those words came back to me like an echo and I couldn’t stop them. They brought me such intense anxiety that my stomach was doing somersaults. I should have been devoting my time primarily to my daughter, making sure that we were creating beautiful moments worth remembering. But every few minutes I couldn’t help but cry. I couldn’t smile or
