“Could something have been done, had I come sooner?” I whispered.
He looked down, sighed and straightened his perfectly straight collar, probably a bad habit or a nervous tic. His clothes were in perfect shape, no need for adjustments.
“That’s hard to say,” he responded carefully, posture stiff.
But it was a pointless line of questioning. The answer couldn’t change anything about the trouble I was in now.
I don’t want to die, I thought. I may have said it out loud too, I couldn’t recall because my mind was suddenly covered by thick fog, impenetrable until the impatient driver started honking at me.
But I can’t leave Ruby here alone… I grew up without a mum and it was bloody hard, I always felt as if I was missing something vital. And my daughter wouldn’t just go without one parent, she’d be an orphan!
I didn’t doubt that my Dad would look after her. He was a great parent to me and would be a great Grandad to her, but… that wasn’t the same.
How was I supposed to tell Dad? He’d already lost his wife, the year before last his best friend died and he had no family here, they were all back in Czechia. It would break his heart… I could hardly deal with my own stirred emotions, I couldn’t bear to see anybody else suffer, especially not Dad. I won’t tell him, I decided. At least not yet. I need to get used to the idea myself, I’d break the news to him after.
There was another honk and I jumped. The garage door was open and a driver in a massive Jeep was waiting for me to clear his driveway. I could have done with a few more minutes to calm my scattered thoughts and racing pulse, but I backed out and drove back onto the main road. I arrived home way too early.
“In the living room!” a voice boomed through the house as soon as I closed the main door.
“Hi Dad,” I squeaked, my voice unnaturally high. I went through to the living room to say hello as usual, but this time it was as if my legs and arms had turned to stone.
“Connie,” he started and put away the newspaper. “What’s wrong? You have a face like a wet weekend.”
I searched for a lie frantically. “It’s this new case at work. Horrific stuff. It hit me really hard.”
He burrowed back into his armchair. “Do I wanna know?”
Most definitely not. “You wouldn’t sleep.”
He was staring at me so intently I had to look away. I flopped down into the other armchair without thinking, but the idea of making light-hearted small talk with Dad now that a lethal battle was raging inside my body made me shiver, and I stood up again.
“I’ll make tea. Would you like some?”
He ignored my question. “You’re as white as a sheet. You’re not gonna faint on me, are you?”
My throat felt tight. Could I manage not to tell him? I wanted so badly to be able to hide in his embrace and cry my troubles away. But neither of us was ready for me to fall apart. In this case, it wasn’t so much about if that happens, but when.
“Could you pick up Ruby from kindy today?” I asked, my voice tense. “I really don’t feel well, I need to lie down.”
He frowned. “You dizzy again?”
“Yeah,” I breathed.
He kept looking at me, questions in his eyes, and for a second I was afraid he wouldn’t let me leave without a good enough explanation. If I had to touch the truth even just a little bit, I’d break down. But my fear was unnecessary. Dad wasn’t one to ask a million questions and stick his nose into other people’s business. Our father-daughter relationship has always been based on mutual trust, he expected me to tell him anything important, and deal with the insignificant stuff myself.
“I’d be happy to,” he nodded. “I’ll walk. It’ll be nice to stretch my legs a bit.”
“Thanks.”
I went to my modest bedroom and changed into casual clothes without really being aware of what I was doing. I was getting into bed just as the entrance door closed behind Dad, and then the firm grip of shock finally let go, to make way for grief. Tears sprang to my eyes and blurred everything around me. The duvet, the bed, the room. My future.
Mark
I couldn’t believe the coincidence. A person who could be more useful to our organisation than she even realised volunteered for our cause. She had essentially offered herself to us on a silver platter. What were the odds of that?
Connie couldn’t have known that I’d been watching her Dad for over a year. I knew everything about his life, so I knew her too. It wasn’t absolutely necessary for me to meet Connie in person, but I wanted to. Frank was indispensable to our purposes, although he had no idea about his role yet. But to have his daughter on board too, that would open up a whole new horizon.
I had no idea what I should be talking to her about at this meeting that I was so eager to invite her to. I got carried away by the surprise, her name on the list of new subscribers, and called her without thinking things through first.
“Mark, what are you doing?” I heard Andrew say as soon as my phone call with Connie was over.
I took a deep breath, not knowing if I should feel relieved or disappointed. Connie hadn’t promised anything concrete, on the other hand she didn’t flat out refuse to meet me either.
“Don’t worry, I’ve got it all under control,” I told Andrew with more confidence than I had.
“I know who you were calling,” he wouldn’t let it go. “I know that name as well as you do. Maybe even better, because before Frank Fiala was assigned to you, I was the one watching him. I wrote
