“I realise that.”
“We got pretty damn far for some rookie to mess everything up. Think about what’s at stake.”
I raised my hands in surrender. “I’ll be careful.”
He was looking at me with piercing eyes. “You’re not… thinking about backing out, are you?”
“What? Where did that come from?”
“A new person who hasn’t been checked joining the group is a risk. If she sniffs out something she doesn’t like, she could turn us in. She works for the police, for God’s sake! They’d raid all the branches, not just ours, and we’d be finished. Ten years of planning ruined!”
“You know that’s not what I want!” I defended myself. “I want us to succeed just as much as you do!”
“Yeah, but if the plan fails, “ he growled, “there is a certain advantage to be gained.”
I clenched my fists so tight my knuckles cracked. How dare he accuse me of something like that? We were both just as passionate about our cause! “I’m certainly not interested in this advantage, as you call it.”
Andrew nodded and turned back to his computer screen. His hand was moving the mouse randomly around and his eyes were staring at one spot, he clearly wasn’t focused on his work. It wasn’t even a minute before he spoke again. “She’s not important to us. Don’t drag her into anything!”
“She’s Frank’s weakness, so she’s very important,” I replied. “And she could be useful to us.”
“I don’t see how?” he said, although he knew exactly what I was talking about. Surprisingly enough he hadn’t yet cited the one rule of our group I was obviously going to break. The Association had everything and nothing to do with it, but of course now that wasn’t what we were talking about anymore.
“It’ll be useful to get to know Connie a little better. I’ll check her out and if anything tricky comes up, I’ll back off.”
His face was like thunder, but in the end he agreed. “Alright then.”
His worries eventually turned out to be unnecessary. When I called Connie the next day, she didn’t pick up the phone nor did she react to the voice message I left.
“It’s for the best,” Andrew snarled and shrugged his shoulders, as if a huge weight was just lifted off of them. “We only need Frank and he never needs to know about us. Things will get moving regardless.”
I wasn’t about to give up so easily.
Connie
“Mummy, I’m hungry,” a tiny voice whispered into my ear.
I struggled to open my eyes. I’d spent the whole night threshing through nightmares, waking up soaked in sweat, and then breaking down into a quiet, desperate sobbing. Finally, just before dawn, I was tired enough to fall out of consciousness.
“Come in here for a cuddle, sweetie,” I croaked and lifted the duvet.
Ruby happily climbed onto the bed and her tiny body snuggled close to mine. I smelled fresh peach soap, Dad must have given her a bath last night. I should have felt guilty about avoiding my family and hiding in my bedroom yesterday evening, but in all honesty, I just felt empty and devoid of emotion.
“Do you know that I love you?” I whispered into my daughter’s ear. Then mentally added: more than my own life.
I opened my eyes just in time to see her nod. She smiled and put her hand on my cheek, the way I’d often done it to her. There was so much love and affection in that gesture that it made my chest clench in pain.
“Your eyes are tiny,” she giggled at the slits through which I was looking at her.
“But I can still see how pretty you are,” I assured her and Ruby beamed. She had big blue eyes, blond hair and dimples, a walking ad for the poster child. “You said you were hungry?”
“I want corn flakes,” she blurted out, then remembered her manners: “Please.”
I didn’t want to stop being a Mum. I yearned so much to be able to guide her through life and make sure she’d be a good, upstanding person.
“Come on then,” I told her. We went to the kitchen together and while I was getting dishes and corn flakes from a shelf, Ruby bounced over to the living room.
“Hello Grampa!” she exclaimed happily and started chattering.
I felt Dad’s eyes on me, as if he was saying: Look at the state of you!
I served my daughter breakfast and made a strong hot cup of coffee for myself while trying to avoid any opportunity for a conversation. It wasn’t unusual for me to be so upset by a case at work that I spent the evenings sitting with Dad, either in shocked silence, or using rather foul language. Sometimes I even shed some tears, when the cases involved children or animals, my weak spot. He knew what it was like to work in the system; you had to be tough to mentally survive it. But to cry all night and look like death the next morning? That was new.
I managed to make a snack for myself and Ruby, prepare her school bag and dress her, although she protested that she wanted to keep playing dominoes with Grampa. Not so surprisingly, I’d forgotten to wash my uniform, so I just ironed the one from the day before, to make it look like it had not actually been lying crumpled on the floor all night. In the end I’d managed all my usual morning duties and still had some time before going to work.
“Connie,” Dad grumbled behind me. I hadn’t even noticed him sneaking into the kitchen. “You’re still feeling off, aren’t you? Why don’t you take the day off?”
The idea was tempting, not having to worry about work stuff. But staying at home would mean being under the microscope, not to mention deep contemplations about my terrifyingly short future.
“I can’t. We’re short-staffed today as it is.”
“You’re pushing yourself too much.” He sighed and looked at me with puppy eyes. “I know it’s my fault.”
“Dad please, don’t start again, it’s ridiculous.”
He’d never been
