“Part of me wishes he’d died.”
I looked up shocked. Kate was staring into the middle distance.
“I mean, what if he never wakes up, or what if he’s not… Well, what if he isn’t him any more… He might be in pain, what if he is suffering and he can’t tell us. Oh God Amanda, what do we do?”
I stood up, moving to sit on the bench seat beside her. “Come on… He’s a fighter, he’ll get through this.”
“You can’t say that! What do we know, even the doctor’s don’t know. After all, he’s been through. This is just so unfair. Why couldn’t it be me there? He doesn’t deserve this.”
I let her babble and rant, my arm around her shoulders trying to comfort her. I knew what the doctors had told me, that Adam had given up his coat for Kate and, she wouldn’t have survived the extreme cold without it. Now he was laying silently in a hospital bed, machines breathing for him, maybe Kate was right. This was no life for him. I put the thought from my mind and hugged her even tighter.
***
I was sitting at the kitchen table, Kate and Amanda were looking at me, I could see their mouths moving but there was no sound. Was this some game they were playing? I looked closely, trying to lip-read what they were saying but I was unable to. I shook my head. They looked so sad. I wanted to tell them that everything would be alright, but every time I tried to move there was a great weight on my body. It was impossible to move my limbs against the pressure. I tried and tried with all my might but it was to no avail.
I surveyed my surroundings, the familiar kitchen, the dripping tap and the clock which ticked loudly. But there was no tick, the clock stopped with the second hand still. The tap had a drop of water hanging as if it was ready to fall but there was no change.
I yelled, shouting until I was hoarse, but nothing I could do seemed to get a reaction from the others in the room. I was trapped and helpless.
***
“Hello…” Kate gulped as she took Adam’s hand. “I don’t know if you can hear me, but I miss you. I want to thank you for saving my life. Hell, I just want to hug you and snuggle on the sofa in front of the fire. I’m lonely, and Adam, I’m scared. I’ve always been so strong, but now I don’t want to carry on without you. Please come back to me.” She took a deep breath. “Right, sorry, I’m being all maudlin. Judith was riding out today and saw some deer in the forest…”
I don’t think she thinks I can hear her. I so desperately want to take her hand, to tell her it’s all going to be okay but I can’t seem to move. I love hearing the stories about the horses and the yard, I so enjoy the normality. And Kate becomes so much more animated, she isn’t concentrating on herself and how sad she is. Oh, Kate, I love you… I’ll fight this, I’ll come back to you.
***
“You were always a lazy git!” Annie laughs, but it sounds forced, false. “No… No, you weren’t, you always worked harder than me… Okay, sorry. Pull yourself together Ann, don’t be stupid. They’re all worried about you. No one is eating, mum is making food for Kate and Amanda, but they just pick at it and say they’re not hungry. I don’t think you know how important you are to all of them. Come home now… Please.”
***
“Hi, little brother… Shit, I’m sorry I dragged you into this bloody mess. God, I shouldn’t have written to you. If I hadn’t you would have carried on with what you were doing and wouldn’t be lying here in this stupid hospital bed. I never intended this to happen. I made some stupid mistakes, I guess you can’t stop who you fall in love with. And, talking about that, Kate is pining for you. If you won’t wake up for me, do it for her.”
“This is crazy eh… What a life we’ve had. You could say it’s full of adventure, but it just feels like a big pile of hurt. I just want to be normal. I want to settle down, have an ordinary life, be a riding instructor, teach people all day and come home, dusty and exhausted to a little house and maybe a dog. Nothing more, I don’t want money, or fame or even love. I would swap it all for you and a normal, boring life.”
***
“Listen to me, Adam… They need you. Kate and your sister need you. Annie and I need you. Please, come back to them.”
***
At the kitchen table, alone. The others had gone and it was becoming dark outside. I stood up, surprising myself that I could move. I walked towards the window, tiny baby steps and it felt like hours before I could lean on the kitchen sink and look into the dusk beyond.
It was a beautiful sunset.
***
The movement woke me from my deep sleep. I had been in the chair for hours, as I had been every night. I had slept in the chair beside Adam’s bed holding his hand for over a week now and would continue to do so for as long as it took.
I was suddenly awake. Had I dreamed it, did I feel some change in his condition, a tiny twitch. “Adam?” Again, almost imperceptible but there was something. “Oh my God!” I stood up quickly grabbing for the call button.
***
“We mustn’t get our hopes up. The movement may be nothing, there’s a chance it’s something involuntary.
