As I realized what I was doing, I regretted it. But the anger was still there, still churning in my gut, stopping me from taking the words back.
Natalie’s face reddened. “Kade, I have feelings for you. Now, we’re not even friends. And how am I supposed to know what’s wrong when you won’t let me in?”
“Let you in?” I scooped up another spoonful of ravioli filling. “You keep saying that, but what does it even mean?”
“You’ve spent your whole life making everyone in the whole world love you, but the truth is you’re terrified of love. When someone does have real feelings for you, you can’t run away fast enough.”
I jerked my face up and barked a hard laugh. “Real feelings? They don’t appear and disappear. They’re not here one day and gone the next.”
“My feelings didn’t disappear, I just can’t give up my career to be with you.” She waved both hands at me. “You have such a big personality. Such a big life. You’ll overwhelm me, and I’ll end up giving up everything for you, like Mom did for Dad.”
With too much force, I dunked a spoonful of filling onto the pasta dough and watched it splatter. I was losing my composure, my anger and frustration starting to leak through.
“You want to talk about fear?” I said roughly. “You’re the one who’s always been afraid.”
“I am afraid, Kade. You’re way out of my league, and the only person who doesn’t seem to know it is you.”
It was so ludicrous, I couldn’t even laugh. “That’s bullshit.”
“I could give up my career to be with you if I had to. I could do what Mom did. But I don’t even know what’s really going on behind your smile.”
“I’m not smiling now.” The words were a growl.
“Kade, I love you.”
Somehow, the words felt like a slap in the face. I almost flinched.
“Don’t kid yourself.” My voice was harsh. “Whatever it is you’re feeling, it isn’t the kind of love I want.”
She draw in a loud, sharp breath. “If you don’t want my love, what do you want?”
I looked up again and caught her gaze. Big mistake. Seeing the hurt in her eyes was like having a stake rammed through my heart. My anger disappeared in a rush, replaced by an ache of useless wanting so intense, I had to drop the spoon and fist my hands to fight it, pressing my knuckles into the hard marble counter.
All I could think about was sweeping the ravioli onto the floor and lifting Nat onto the counter instead. I burned to kiss her until she couldn’t remember her own name, let alone think of Willis, or any other man but me. I wanted to make her understand the kind of love I felt for her. My love didn’t rely on things being convenient, or whether we could get jobs in the same city. It wouldn’t diminish, let alone vanish with a random change of mood or an attack of self-doubt.
But there was something broken inside Natalie, just like Mom. How many times did I have to keep learning the same lesson before it sank in?
Uncurling my fists with an effort, I picked the spoon back up and made my voice so flat that Asher would have been proud.
“I’ll have Billy put out a statement saying our engagement was a lie, so my lunatic fans leave you alone,” I told her. “I’ll make sure he does it today, so there won’t be any more vandalism.”
“You won’t tell me what you want from me?”
All I wanted was to punch holes in the wall. But I wouldn’t let her see it. I’d wait until I was alone, then go for another run. Or maybe I’d make my croissants with a hundred and sixty layers of dough instead of eighty. Yeah, that seemed reasonable.
“I don’t want anything.” I spoke carefully. “The other night was great. We’ve had fun. Now it’s time for me to go.” Somehow I lifted my lips, though it felt like more of a grimace than a smile. “We can catch up again next time I’m in town.”
She swallowed, all the anger seeming to drain out of her. “Please don’t do that,” she whispered.
“Do what?” I bent closer to the counter, peering at the ravioli as though my life depended on making it perfect.
“Look at me, please. Talk to me.”
“What’s left to talk about?” I frowned at the ravioli. “This filling’s a little too wet. I should add some flour.”
“You’re telling me this is goodbye? I won’t see you again for months?” Nat sounded hoarse, like she was tearing up, but I didn’t look back up to check. If I lifted my gaze again, there was no way I’d be able to keep control.
There was some obstruction blocking my windpipe, blocking my speech. Even breathing was hard.
“Goodbye then.” There was a hitch in her voice, a watery sound that told me she had to be crying.
With infinite care, I put another spoonful of ravioli on the dough, shaping it into a globe.
Natalie slipped out of the room and a moment later, I heard her tear the front door open, then slam it behind her. Only then did I pound both hands into my small, perfect ravioli parcels, grinding them against the counter.
I went away and forgot about Natalie once. I could do it again. It wouldn’t be easy, but it wasn’t too late.
And this time, I wouldn’t make the mistake of ever coming back.
Chapter Twenty-Five
Natalie
The day Kade left for LA, a photo of me kissing Willis appeared on what seemed like every single internet news site in the world. It was everywhere.
And according to every person on the internet, I was officially the despicable harlot who’d cheated on their favorite TV chef.
I sent a text message to Kade.
I’m sorry for the picture but it isn’t what it looks like. Please call me so we can
