For a long moment, neither of us moved, and I thought of our fake engagement story. How I’d supposedly proposed to him in at a candlelit picnic in the park. Kade’s story had been that I’d dropped to one knee and begged him to say yes. At the time, it had been a joke.
Now it didn’t seem nearly so far-fetched.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Natalie
My heart was thumping as Kade stared down at his mother’s ring.
“You kept saying I don’t let you in.” His voice was suddenly guarded. “There are things I can’t tell you, Nat, because they’re things nobody would want to hear.”
“You can tell me anything.”
He hunched his back as though his skin had grown uncomfortable. His expression was pensive and a little raw. I could tell he wanted to say more. To get something off his chest. I stayed silent, afraid if I moved or opened my mouth, he might decide not to say it.
“I told you I hated my mother,” Kade said after a while.
I nodded.
“Only the truth is worse than that.” He dragged in a deep breath, not lifting his eyes to mine. His hand moved to the ring and he ran a gentle finger over the diamond, but didn’t take it from me.
“Whatever it is won’t change the way I feel about you.”
His lip quirked, but it wasn’t a smile. “Are you sure about that?”
“Very sure.”
“What if I told you I wasn’t…” He hesitated. “What if I said I wasn’t lovable.” The words softened to a whisper. “What if my mother tried to love me, but she couldn’t?”
My heart squeezed at his expression, but I didn’t make a move to touch him. “I’d say I know you’re lovable, because I love you,” I said just as softly.
After a moment, he closed his eyes and let out a long sigh.
“My mother used to say she loved me all the time. Every day. And I’d say the same back to her, though mostly I didn’t mean it.” He pinched his lips together. “Mostly never,” he amended, opening his eyes again. This time his gaze lifted to mine. The gray in his eyes was light and hard. Cold, even. It made me want to shiver.
“I never meant it,” he corrected harshly. “And Mom knew I didn’t. That’s why she acted the way she did, because I didn’t give her what she wanted.”
I ached to put my arms around him. “It’s okay,” I whispered. “I understand.”
“One day she kept wanting to hug me and her breath smelled bad. Her teeth were rotting, her arms were bony, and I couldn’t stand it anymore. I told her I hated her.” His stare was challenging now, like he was daring me to flinch. “I shouted it at her. I hate you. I hate you.” His voice rose, each word a razor cut.
“What did she do?”
“She left. She always left. But that time she didn’t come back.”
I swallowed, promising myself I’d never leave him. And if I had to go somewhere, he’d never doubt that I was coming back.
“Mom took an overdose and died in a back alley while we were still locked in the apartment. The reason my brothers were locked in with no food was because I shouted at my mother. Asher shattered his arm climbing out the window to save us, and Mom died with my hate in her ears. She died knowing I hated her.”
“Oh, Kade. Honey.” I couldn’t hold back any longer. I slid my arms around his waist and stepped into him. His back was ramrod straight and his arms stayed by his side. When I looked up at him, he stared straight ahead.
“I was glad she didn’t come back. I wanted to hurt my own mother. I wished she was dead. Then I found out she was.” He dropped his gaze to mine. A muscle throbbed in his jaw and his eyes sparked with defiance, like he was trying to make me recoil. Like he was hoping I’d back away, telling him he was a bad person.
I squeezed him tight, putting my head on his chest and angling my face toward his tight jaw. “I love you.”
His arms came up slowly, gripping me softly. After a moment, he gave a strangled laugh. “I can’t believe I told you all that and the earth hasn’t cracked. Nothing’s fallen on me and you’re still here. If this was a movie, the hero would have burst in to rescue you by now. He’d shoot me dead, and everyone would cheer. The villain would get what he deserved.”
“You’re not a villain. You were a victim.”
He grimaced. “I hate that word. I’m no victim.”
“You’re the hero, Kade. And no matter what happened in your past, or what happens in our future, I’ll always love you.”
He was silent. His hands rested lightly on my back. His body was still stiff.
“My love is real,” I said. “It won’t ever disappear. I’m not going to stop loving you, or fall out of love with you, or let you push me away. Even if I take the job in Chicago and you decide to move to Timbuktu, I’ll still love you. Whether you believe me or not, that’s the truth. And I’m finally brave enough to admit it.”
He still didn’t move, and I had no idea whether he still thought I was like his mother, incapable of love.
So I sunk down to one knee as though I were proposing, and held the ring up to him.
“My love for you is like a… a… locomotive. The track might not always run straight, but it’ll always be there, chugging along, and nothing can stop it.” I smiled up at him, because his hard exterior had finally cracked, and he was looking down at me with a stunned expression, like he was wondering if I’d lost my marbles.
“Kade Lennox, will you marry me?” I asked.
My heart was pounding, and Kade’s eyes were wide. I didn’t care if I was making a fool of myself.
