My heart aches for Valencia.
Our suffering should have never reached this far.
“I used to be the same. For about a whole year there were only a couple good nights. I had to avoid coffee, imagine how hard that was for me! If your doctor approves, take them in the morning. It’ll give your body more time to adjust. Anti-depressants generally take four to five weeks to kick into the system, so never just stop taking them; give it some more time to work.”
She breathes out a sigh of relief. “That’s everything I needed to hear. Thanks, I’ll suggest that to her. As you know it’s hard. You can’t sleep with all these worries clouding your mind and when you finally do sleep it’s always so disrupted. All I want is for them to help me out.”
“I want that for you too. I’m always here if you need to talk. You know that, right?”
“I do…and I’m here for you too. Anytime, Giulio.”
“Grazie.”
“I knew you would understand.”
A lump forms in my throat. I can’t believe I broke something so precious to her. “I would understand regardless. I took them for years until I felt like myself again and subsequently met you months later. You became my permanent cure. My reason for being in the aftermath of my past and what it led to. You loved me when there was no one else, Valencia.” I need to pause to swallow the emotion and the fact that my voice broke when I said her name. “You accepted me with all my flaws and I’m glad you know that even though times are rough…talk to me. I don’t want you to go through this alone. Never feel ashamed for taking anti-depressants. If they are helping you to overcome these problems, then that’s all that matters. Promise me you’ll remember that.”
“I promise, Giulio.”
“Good. It’s getting late. I should let you go.”
“Thank you for the job and for calling.”
Don’t hang up. Think of something else to say.
“It’s okay.”
Way to go, Giannotti.
“Giulio?”
I launch upright in the wingback chair. “Yes?”
The silence feels like years pass, but in reality, it’s seconds; seconds that can change an entire lifetime. If we only shared similar views or could accept each other’s, she would be here. We would be confiding in one another, not miles away from each other all tattered and bruised.
“I want to be transparent with the kids about our struggles, but I also want them to be secure and have faith. They don’t know about the pills. I’d like to keep it that way for now.”
“I won’t say a thing.”
“Appreciated,” she says. “I really have you to thank for the times you were vulnerable enough to show me taking pills doesn’t define who you are. It’s okay to seek help. Essential, even.”
“That’s exactly right. Don’t listen to what anybody else thinks. You know how your body…” I need to halt my words. The visual alone has me rubbing a hand over my face. “You know how your body feels and so listen to it on the days you need a rest. You’re also entitled to unlimited personal days within these six weeks.”
“I want to be treated like everybody else but I appreciate it.”
I appreciate you, amore.
“It’s the least I can do.”
“I won’t keep you up any longer. I’ll see you on Sunday. Goodnight!”
“Goodnight, Valencia.”
I hang up the phone with a heavy heart, replaying every single word we just said. All I want to do is talk to her all night long, just like we used to when we were dating, but I fear that if I didn’t end the call there, our peaceful conversation would soon devolve into an unforgivable one.
God.
I take a cold shower, each droplet reviving every inch of my body until I’m calmer. I’m sitting on my bed in sweatpants, replying to emails when I sense I’m not alone.
Slonne stands by my doorframe, tears cascading down her cheeks and dripping onto her pink cupcake flannel pajamas. The despair in her stance has me tossing my phone and scooping her in my arms.
“It’s okay.” My lips press against her forehead in a warm comfort. “I’m here, darling.”
“I wanna sleep here with you,” she sobs into my neck and I hold her even tighter.
“Of course, my darling girl.” After wiping away Slonne’s tears, I set her on the bed with her puppy slippers dangling over the edge. My large hands clasp her soft small ones and peer into her dismayed eyes. “Did you have a bad dream?”
“Ye-Yes. Monsters were in my room and then bad guys took Mommy. We couldn’t find her and she got lost forever!”
Her nightmares have become much more frequent since the abduction. Some days were more optimistic than others. Group therapy with Dr. Melanie has helped them tremendously and although Slonne frequents it more than Oscar, it settles me to know professional help is there whenever they need it.
“It was only a dream, baby. Mommy’s safe.”
“But what if bad guys really do something to her?”
“Daddy’s not going to let anything happen to her, you, or your brother.” I kiss her nose and smile. “I promise. It wasn’t real, carina. Now you’re awake and everything is okay.”
I mean it.
I still want the best for Valencia; that will never change.
Nothing is going to happen. Not again.
“How do you know nothing will happen again?”
“Because I know what to do now to prevent it, but there’s one thing we can do right now.”
Slonne’s eyes brighten. “What is it?”
That’s my girl.
“I have a way to take away the monsters. Think you can help me?”
“Let’s do it!”
On the way out of my bedroom, I pick out the classic handbag shaped perfume bottle with a deep green python print and gold chain on the dresser. Decadence by Marc Jacobs. It’s one of Valencia’s signature scents, along with the floral vanilla one. But the Marc Jacobs is the only one she mistakenly left here. I guard it like a knight in the middle