“Do not tell me how to live!”
“You’re going to lose yourself!”
“I ALREADY HAVE!”
“I NEED TO SAY GOODBYE TO HER AND YOU’RE NOT PERMITTING ME TO!”
“BECAUSE IT WILL FEEL TOO REAL! BECAUSE I’M SCARED! BECAUSE I WILL NOT BE ABLE TO DEAL WITH IT IF ANTI-DEPRESSANTS AREN’T ENOUGH!”
The wall raised between us fortifies, rendering us incapable of comprehending who we really are at this second. This is not us. This hatred towards each other is not us. I don’t know what we are…but I can’t be this. Not for our kids. Not for our hearts. No.
Giulio and I remain staring at each other. We’re nothing but panting chests and hazed visions. There’s too much of everything. Too much conflict, baggage, and regret—and it’s not fair. I’m not proud of the shouts, but everything I needed to say was within them.
I’m scared I will not be able to deal with it.
I’m scared it won’t be enough.
I’m scared.
In the same breath, Giulio gently cups my face and draws me to his chest. He’s forced to bear witness to the way I crumble at his touch. How lost I get in his smell. How much I miss him. How intimately tender this moment truly is.
Giulio knows me.
His arms that carry the weight of the world wrap around my waist in a tight embrace. When sobs ripple through me, one of his hands slides up to the back of my head, weaving through my hair, and he holds me even closer. It’s here where my fingers clutch his shoulder blades over his cashmere sweater.
Right now, we cannot be any more connected.
I need this embrace.
Just for a moment. Just until my trembling soul stills.
“It’s okay. I’ve got you,” his hot murmur promises. “I’ve got you.”
It’s been so long that I’ve almost forgotten the feeling. Almost. The warmth that spreads across my body is a reminder of everything that is Giulio Giannotti. He knows and owns every single part of me. My heart. My mind. My body. My soul. He has since I was twenty-one and will continue to do so until I leave this earth.
That’s the truth I hide myself from.
The fact that I can’t control how I feel, even after all the substance we’re missing in our lives, scares me. I’m scared of giving him that piece of me again and losing even more. I’m scared of confusing our children with the back and forth. I fear redemption. I fear a second chance. And equally so, I fear hope will fail me.
At the same time, this is Giulio.
My husband.
My best friend.
My everything.
This is the man I vowed I would do anything for. The man I would still die for.
It will always be him.
Even through the hollowing pain, my heart still beats wildly every time he enters the room. He should despise me. I should despise him. We should disregard how the other feels.
But we can’t…
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” Giulio will never know the extent of my apology. Right here in the solace of his arms, I apologize for every single thing I’ve done to hurt him. For not loving him like I vowed. For not being here when he needed me the most. For not being able to overcome my depression and sleepless nights I kick myself for come morning.
A stiff breath escapes him. “I’m sorry too. I know how you feel about it. I shouldn’t have said it. I won’t bring it up again. Sorry. Really I am. I only wanted an amicable conversation.”
Gentle.
His voice is so damn low and gentle.
“Me too. I’m so sorry.” Tears trickle down my cheeks, and my body shivers when he wipes the tears away without regret. My voice softens. “I will never stop looking for her.”
Giulio’s soft touch kills me as he kisses my shoulder.
I’m not sure I have enough air in me to breathe.
Still wrapped in each other, his gaze lowers to my full lips. “I don’t want you hurting. Especially for me.” Forehead resting against mine, his hot breath teases me. “Never for me.”
Inches apart, we become locked in each other’s eyes. This is a wild game between my head and my heart. Despite our differences, my mind never fails to remind me of him. Especially with him so close right now…I cannot deny how strongly my heart feels for him.
“Giulio, I…” My thoughts fall to silence. While my mind says one thing, my heart wants another. The latter wishes I could just cup his stubbled jaw, kiss him and forget about the rest.
“It’s okay. You don’t have to say anything, Valencia.”
Breathe.
Softly smiling, we simply live our moment in slow motion filled with nothing but us.
It’s a tough battle inside me…I don’t want to go through life with the thought of something developing between us, only to break again. This may very well be our way to a second chance, but…
What happens if it fails?
What happens when we crash and burn?
Or when our relationship hurts the twins even more than our separation does now?
It’s not easy to say I could blanket our canvas with paints and start all over again. Every time we try, shades of gray sprawl over an already painted picture. A picture that continues to build over and over again, like a book with no ending or worse, with no words. If the book is in our hands with endless blank pages, how will we ever know when to stop writing?
How do we truly know it’s the end?
A small part of my brain answers.
Now.
It’s over right now.
And that alone is enough to convince me this is the end of us. This is where it has to stop. Yet the battle continues and heat ignites as Giulio cups my jaw and lowers his head, his lips moments away from brushing mine. It’s something so familiar. How he used to kiss away the pain. Cure my hurt. Lift my
