But as quickly as the spark between us is set alight, it dies out and our moment is over.
Giulio can’t go through with it.
It’s over.
I’ll never forget the apprehensiveness in Giulio’s features as he retreats to his desk, just in time for a knock on the door. I’m left standing in the middle of his office mentally and physically numb.
Marcus speaks through the door. “Clients are waiting in the lounge. We could hear you both shouting before.”
Knowing that once again we’ve let things go too far crushes me inside. Giulio and I are so passionate about Addilyn that instead of using that passion to heal, we’re using it to turn on one another.
Giulio dismisses Marcus with words I don’t even catch.
I fail to contain myself and take a chance.
A leap.
“I miss the people we once were.” My head drops as I sniffle my lost tears. This is the conversation Dr. Eross wanted me to have with Giulio last week. The same one I crumpled and threw away. The back of my throat burns. I need a drink. But most importantly, I need to tell him this, especially if this is where our end needs to be drawn. “I miss my best friend. I miss my husband. I miss it all.”
Before looking down, I catch his disgruntled pursed lips. It’s not aimed at me. I know this much. It’s aimed at whoever did this to us. Whoever abducted our missing piece.
“Valencia?”
“Yes?”
“I miss you so fucking much.”
I feel Giulio’s eyes on me but I can’t meet them. Partly because his confession is stated with a broken voice and partly because I can’t breathe straight. I miss you too. I feel the onset of an attack coming. The ones of panic that rustles with chained anxiety.
It’s over right now.
The ringtone of Giulio’s phone jolts me. It blurs between our truths. He doesn’t answer it. Not the first time it rings and not the second time it starts again. It becomes a siren for our hate, our love, and everything in between.
It may be my anxiety playing devil’s advocate or it may simply be me, but I listen to the part of me that says to let go. I would rather face the consequences of being burned now than go through it all over again later. I can’t fall for Giulio Giannotti all over again. It’ll only further shatter our hearts and they’re already on their last leg, convulsing.
I take my leave without a single glance back.
At my desk, I almost don’t make it to my chair before my legs give out. My lungs are bursting and my head can’t stop conjuring evil thoughts. All of which I pray to God aren’t true, but at this stage, I don’t know anymore.
I push away my cold coffee and do the inevitable. Scrolling through the pictures on my iPhone of Addilyn during her first two months of life, I cave inside, one photo at a time.
I’m so sorry, my angel.
Valencia
By the end of the week, I’m getting the hang of my work coinciding with the twins’ schooling. Giulio and I didn’t speak about what happened between us on Wednesday at the office. I thought it would be for the better, but then that night he texted to ask how I was doing. A brief discussion followed before he had to finalize design renderings.
The following morning when I wake up from my five-hour sleep—the most hours I’ve slept all week—there’s a knock at the front door. There I am at 6 A.M. in my silk nightgown in front of some delivery man, signing off for an unexpected package…from Giulio.
To say the action surprises me is an understatement. The content inside surprises me even more. A pale yellow bow wrapped around a medium sized bound mental health handbook titled ‘How to get your life back and win, the Giannotti way.’ Slipped inside the bow is a single red rose. I’m in complete shock to find the entire lengthy unpublished handbook was handwritten by Giulio. Had he written it all night instead of those design renderings? Is this the ‘design renderings?’ It has to be, because as I flip through, I note he’s divided it into sections with all written accounts of methods he implemented to overcome his struggles and how I too can find the other side.
At the center of the handbook is a card.
Valencia,
I once read that the darkest nights produce the brightest stars.
I hope you see the light again. Until then, I’m here. I will continue to be here, even on the days you don’t want me, because that’s when you need me the most. That’s when I need you the most. Because that is what we do. I don’t want us to fall apart when things get tough. I want us to fall together.
I’m sorry for not being there when you needed me the most. You have a right to be scared but I want to remind you just how strong you are. Just like you hold on to the hope of Addilyn, hold on to the hope of a better tomorrow. Hold on to the hope that you will make it because you are enough. And after all, the opposite of hope is fear. You have hope. And you will be able to deal with anything that comes your way because you have me. Whatever we are to each other—married, friends, or simply co-workers—you will always have me.
I hope this book helps you see the light.
It helped me and will help you too. I promise.
Here always,
Giulio
I cry as I read the card twice.
A tidal wave of emotions bubble up inside because it was just the previous day where I made an oath to myself that this had to be the end of Giulio and me, but the next day when I saw him, I wasn’t so sure.
Giulio was already in his office when I arrived and I didn’t even bother to
