The other part is wary and broken. It advises him to stay clear. To leave me alone forever. That he will never be the one to convince me we’ll make it out of this alive.
The devil’s advocate tears at my subconscious. We’ll never be the same again. Only tantalizing distractions laced with barriers exist between us now.
“Do you still want me?” Giulio’s smile is gone now, yet the sparkle in his eyes remains. Unease grows in my core as I spare an extra second to take him in as a whole. A broken man who has lost it all…just like me.
“You’re not good for me, Giulio.”
“No, darling. We’re not good for each other,” he whispers, his voice both rich and warm. “No matter how hard we try, even if one day our hearts tell us there’s another chance, we’ll always be broken.
“I—”
“Goodbye, Lencia.”
“WAIT!” I reach forward but all I’m met with is my glass of water on the coffee table. Heavy breaths greet me and I’m left staring into the space Giulio was only moments ago.
We’re not good for each other.
“Valencia…it’s okay, you just had another vision.” My therapist says, but I’m so mortified I can’t even look him straight in the eyes. “Have you been taking your medication?”
I nod. “Sorry. He…Giulio is included in that picture, but the people we once were. The way we are now…the lives we lead…it crushes everything we once believed to be true for ourselves.”
“It’s normal to want someone we once could grasp so easily. It means the person was important to us. Perhaps, still is. Giulio will always be a part of your life. You have two beautiful children to look after with equal custody…” He pauses for a moment to hand me a ripped sheet from his notepad. I ward against it, but for a second I want to correct him on the fact that we have three children. Three, because Addilyn is still out there. “Valencia, this is something I would like you to work on in preparation for our next session.”
Reluctantly, I glance down.
I, Valencia Giannotti, will maintain amicable behavior with Giulio Giannotti from here on forth. There will be no arguments. I promise to take time with Giulio to privately sit down and tell him exactly how I feel at this current stage of my journey.
Signed by:
Date: September _____, 2016
“This is to be signed before next week’s session. Now, is there anything you would like to add prior to concluding?”
Yes. Tell him. My blood sears in my veins at the very thought. Six months into therapy and I still can’t quite grasp the concept of being vulnerable in front of a stranger.
“No. That’s all for today.”
“I’m more than happy to go over time if you need to…”
“Thank you, but I’m okay for now.”
If only it were the truth…
Giulio and I have entered the pits of purgatory. Our torches have been snuffed and only cruel darkness follows. Every single day for the past six months since Addilyn’s disappearance, I pray for her every breath. I still feel her warmth give life to my heart, just like when the midwife laid her on my chest for the first time.
When I exit the building, I notice a text from my sister.
Helena: Sorry, I know you’re at therapy but it’s important. Text me when you can.
Seattle’s cool, refreshing air has me buttoning up my trench coat. My boots slam against the concrete as I cross the road in a jog. I’m about to reply when a mother pushing a baby in a dusty pink stroller pulls my attention. I grin at the baby girl whose eyes soften in adoration. Deep unforgettable wounds cloud my every step away from them.
That could have been Addilyn and me.
Valencia: Hi honey, is everything okay?
Helena: Oh, you’re out already?
Valencia: Yes. You best believe I’m at your service!
Helena: Serving me is exactly what you were born to do! Haha! Anyway, it’s a long story but Ben’s parents invited me over for dinner. I’m on my way now with my kids, but felt bad to leave you on a night like tonight, so…I asked Giulio and the twins to come over to keep you company.
I’m hoping I didn’t see that last part correctly…but I did.
Facing Giulio is the last thing I want tonight. I’ve spent the entire day calming myself down from the overbearing weight inside me. I thought that perhaps therapy could stabilize me, now with the news of Giulio coming…well, it deflates me.
Valencia: Send them all my love. It’s been so long since I have seen them! I appreciate it, however, you didn’t need to invite him. I would have been okay on my own…
I slip inside my white Jeep SUV just as a thought strings in my head.
Valencia: P.S. I hope you’re not texting and driving. Tsk…tsk…tsk….
Helena’s name flashes on my screen. Just as I thought!
I answer with a slight smirk. “Hmmm. So I did catch you red-handed, didn’t I?”
“Oh, shut up!” She laughs. “I was dictating while Weston was typing. You know teenagers and their ability to win the fastest text championships. If there was such a thing, Weston would receive an F for all the abbreviations he thought he could put in them. Boy, who do you think you’re texting? Trying to crack the Da Vinci code or something?”
“Mom, stop!” Weston groans in the background.
I smile at my godson’s ability to always cut short his mother’s sarcasm. He was so wise at times, he seemed eleven going on twenty-one.
“Don’t worry. I’ve got your back, champ. Your mom can be a little excessive at times, can’t she?” I tease.
“Yeah, tell me about it!”
Helena gasps dramatically. “Hey, I’m right here and I am loving all the attention, but still…”
Our laugher feels refreshing.
I send virtual hugs to both Weston and Daisy before asking Helena if she was serious about
