“Improving this aspect is what will determine whether you file divorce papers or resume your marriage. I would suggest initiating the process and creating a plan. Now, I want to ask a rather direct question; at this point, is there any possibility of resuming your marriage?”
There is a flicker of hope in our fickle inferno game when Giulio and I glance at each other with a burning desire.
“Yes, there’s a possibility.” I don’t know which one of us says it, but I know we both mean it.
Something’s changed between us, whether it’s the additional time we spend together, the way we tend to understand each other even through our opposing views or how everything clicked for me with that sweet dreams spray because I realized the kids need him as much as I do, but there is a change and I want to hold onto it for dear life.
Giulio is what I want, even during the war.
“I’m trying to be a good single mother. A good woman. A good worker. But I’m struggling with juggling all of it and I feel for the twins. I really do.”
Giulio inches closer to me, his hand wrapping around my shoulder. There’s a tight squeeze there that resonates inside me. “That’s not true. You’re a sensational mother.”
“You don’t see what I feel.”
“I see how much you love them. I know how much they adore you.”
“It’s inside, Giulio.” I shake my head, rushing my fingers through my updo. “I’m getting better. I feel myself getting happier and when I’m with you…I feel so much more like me, but the depression still sinks in and when it does…”
“Valencia, concentrate on your breaths,” Dr. Eross warns, noticing my angst. “What is going through your mind?”
Too many thoughts.
I feel lightheaded and tingly all over. When I grip the arm of the couch to stabilize myself, Giulio’s hand slips under my cropped leather jacket and rubs circular motions against my skin.
“Before…I was close to asking for divorce. Now…this doesn’t feel like falling out of love with Giulio. Is this how it’s supposed to go? Or are we destined to smile at a distance and love our kids with a barrier? What is our new normal? I don’t want to lose him, but at the same time I’m so scared of what comes next if we do attempt to restart things.”
His hand on my back slows.
Dr. Eross nods. “What exactly are you scared of?”
“I’m scared of loving. I fear that we’ll be okay for a little while and then our diverse views on Addilyn will cause yet another breaking point. I can already hear the tear in my children’s hearts and I don’t want that. I would rather sacrifice and end it all then go through this pain again. I don’t want anybody hurting more than they already are right now.”
“It’s normal to be scared, Valencia. In fact, you are traumatized. You both are. Sometimes in life, we ponder too much. We think everything has to have a solution when it doesn’t. Sometimes the best thing to do is to live in the moment and watch what happens. Often, the best things in life are unplanned. Do you know the most important person in this equation?”
“Me.”
“Tell me again. Look me in the eyes and believe it this time.”
“Me. I am.”
“Exactly. It isn’t selfish to take care of your first in order to take care of others. It is okay. It is normal. It is both necessary and a healthy thing to do. It means listening to your heart because, in the end, it’s the most delicate piece of us.” The therapist pauses to slip off his glasses. When he does, he leans closer to us with a soft smile. “Valencia, I know you’re scared. You care a lot about others, especially your children. You’re scared to hurt them if you were to get back together and then something were to happen to fall back apart. But guess what? Life will always be a gamble. That’s what makes it interesting. That’s what makes it an adventure. That’s what makes it life. You’re hurting yourself more if you don’t give yourself that chance to get back together. Your children love you both and will forgive you if things were to ultimately not work. They know that either way, you will both continue to be in their lives. I see the love between you and Giulio. I see it. Those seven years can be seventy. Don’t let fear break you. What does your heart tell you?”
Everything Dr. Eross says resonates deeply, outlining the reasons for my fears and why I should just go for it, why I need to go for it.
I flick my gaze to Giulio’s and find that he’s already looking at me. His hopeful eyes are my reckoning. If I don’t say it now, I don’t know when I ever will. “My heart says that I want to try harder for you. I want an us.”
“And you, Giulio? What does yours say?”
“That I was a fool to let the love of my life go and I will do everything to have her back.” I forget how to breathe. Giulio wants this. He wants me. Our hands intertwine and he kisses my knuckles. “I want the good and the bad with you, Valencia. I want it all, whatever the cost. We don’t know what will happen until we try and I so desperately want to try. I want no regrets.”
Dr. Eross nods, noting something down on his paper. When he looks up, there’s a wide smile on his lips. “Valencia, can you tell me a part of yourself you feel you have lost touch with since the beginning of the abduction and the separation?”
“My happiness.”
“Okay. What is something you love about yourself?”
“My children.”
Dr. Eross draws a finger to the center of his mouth, not seeming too pleased with my response. “All good mothers would say that. So for the moment, I want you to detach them from you. What
