Once the brainwashing session ends, Jacee promised she would explain everything to Kalli again in person and answer any questions she may have about the manual. Afterward, I’ll take her to our spot on the city’s wall if she’ll have me. I’ll answer all her questions, filling her in on every detail. We’ll camp out and watch the sunset over the black sand-covered hills. Lose track of time and lay under the stars all night laughing and telling old stories of her past life. I can’t live without her. I don’t want to. I’ll do whatever it takes to make her fall in love with me again.
The second I’m able to clock out, I jog to the transit stop that occupied my worrisome mind most of the day. The remnants of a bench stand lonely under the shade of the rusty metal awning. It’s old. Tired. Stained with layers of sand and soot. The bus is dressed in the same fashion and on time as usual. I don’t think it’s ever been late. The squealing of its brakes only adds to the nervous anticipation that’s been building in the pit of my stomach ever since she was sedated.
Inserting my IDC card into the receptacle, I board and scan for a seat. Of course, it’s packed. The smell of sweat and awkwardness punches me right in the face. I coast down the aisle thinking the day has gone by faster than expected. I’m almost to her. Three more stops.
My heart aches as sorrow momentarily pulls my attention to the other side of the dust-stained window I catch myself staring at. A younger couple with a child living on trash-littered streets. I can’t remember the last time I saw a child. They aren’t common these days. Why anyone would want to curse a kid like that is beyond me. She can’t be older than seven - dirty face and starving from the looks of it. They sit motionless on a lumpy mattress. The three of them stare vacantly into the heat, waiting for their shifts. This isn’t a way to live, but we’re powerless. There are people everywhere like them. This is the world we live in. This is why the city has no name, only a number plastered on the air purification building overhead, 34. There is no pride in suffering.
Lethe has more than enough resources to ensure no person lives this way, but greed has no moral compass. Their lavish lifestyle is more important than the lives of their people. One day they are going to pay for what they’ve done. For who they’ve harmed. Hopefully, I’ll be around to see it when it happens.
On arrival at my stop, I stand to exit like I have every day recently, but something is different this time. Something’s not right.
I look around to see confused blank faces staring back at me. They sense it too.
What the fuck is happening to me?
Everything begins to spin. My legs soften beneath me. Panic plays on repeat across my mind, over and over, and over and over. My weight collapses back into the seat as I chaotically search for what has escaped me. The bus roars on.
It’s my brain. An entire gap of my memory… gone…. Again. This is twice in the same day. I’m fucking losing it, much faster than I thought. The added stress probably doesn’t help.
I feel their penetrating eyes with every inch of my body, but it no longer bothers me. Scrambling to find something, anything, to mend my mangled mind, the water filtration tanks towering above the smog catches my eye. I’m not too far from the infirmary, only lost a few minutes this time.
I rise back up with purpose and dash for the bus door as quickly as these legs will let me. Still a little unsteady, hands trembling uncontrollably now, neurons misfiring, I continue fighting through the weakness, stumbling off the bus as if it were my first day walking.
The fresh air is welcoming but does nothing to calm my nerves. The wind has picked up. It’s blowing harder than usual. The distinct smell of rain wisps past my nose as I notice hints of a storm brewing in the clouds in the distance. From just behind the city wall a streak of lightning cracks through the sky. My heart pounds my chest as violently as the thunder scattering above.
My brain in overdrive automatically attempts to calculate what stage of the process she might be in, but I’m deafened by the continuous internal siren of panic, competing side by side with the high-pitched frequency ringing throughout my ears. Anxiety strikes again, crippling me.
Am I too late? What if she doesn’t want to remember me? I force my lungs to submit to the final few meters of concrete, and at last burst through the infirmary doors.
I’m here Kalli. For whatever you decide, I am here.
Up the stairs, racing down the hallway to the nurses’ station, I see Jacee somberly walking from around the corner. She slowly lifts her face to meet mine. Her eyes brimming with cold dread. Her absent-mindedness replaced with sorrow.
Something isn’t right.
My legs merge with the ghostly grey tile beneath me.
Heart beating louder.
I can’t move.
“Palin.. She’s dead. Kalli
