Jean-Christophe

He had no doubt but that he had made a deadly enemy, not only of Hecht, but of Kohn, who had introduced him. He was in absolute solitude in a hostile city. Outside Diener and Kohn he knew no one. His friend Corinne, the beautiful actress whom he had met in Germany, was not in Paris: she was still touring abroad, in America, this time on her own account: the papers published clamatory descriptions of her travels. As for the little French governess whom he had unwittingly robbed of her situation⁠—the thought of her had long filled him with remorse⁠—how often had he vowed that he would find her when he reached Paris.5 But now that he was in Paris he found that he had forgotten one important thing: her name. He could not remember it. He could only recollect her Christian name: Antoinette. And then, even if he remembered, how was he to find a poor little governess in that ant-heap of human beings?

He had to set to work as soon as possible to find a livelihood. He had five francs left. In spite of his dislike of him, he forced himself to ask the innkeeper if he did not know of anybody in the neighborhood to whom he could give music-lessons. The innkeeper, who had no great opinion of a lodger who only ate once a day and spoke German, lost what respect he had for him when he heard that he was only a musician. He was a Frenchman of the old school, and music was to him an idler’s job. He scoffed:

“The piano!⁠ ⁠… I don’t know. You strum the piano! Congratulations!⁠ ⁠… But ’tis a queer thing to take to that trade as a matter of taste! When I hear music, it’s just for all the world like listening to the rain.⁠ ⁠… But perhaps you might teach me. What do you say, you fellows?” he cried, turning to some fellows who were drinking.

They laughed loudly.

“It’s a fine trade,” said one of them. “Not dirty work. And the ladies like it.”

Christophe did not rightly understand the French or the jest: he floundered for his words: he did not know whether to be angry or not. The innkeeper’s wife took pity on him:

“Come, come, Philippe, you’re not serious,” she said to her husband. “All the same,” she went on, turning to Christophe, “there is someone who might do for you.”

“Who?” asked her husband.

“The Grasset girl. You know, they’ve bought a piano.”

“Ah! Those stuck-up folk! So they have.”

They told Christophe that the girl in question was the daughter of a butcher: her parents were trying to make a lady of her; they would perhaps like her to have lessons, if only for the sake of making people talk. The innkeeper’s wife promised to see to it.

Next day she told Christophe that the butcher’s wife would like to see him. He went to her house, and found her in the shop, surrounded with great pieces of meat. She was a pretty, rather florid woman, and she smiled sweetly, but stood on her dignity when she heard why he had come. Quite abruptly she came to the question of payment, and said quickly that she did not wish to give much, because the piano is quite an agreeable thing, but not necessary: she offered him fifty centimes an hour. In any case, she would not pay more than four francs a week. After that she asked Christophe a little doubtfully if he knew much about music. She was reassured, and became more amiable when he told her that not only did he know about music, but wrote it into the bargain: that flattered her vanity: it would be a good thing to spread about the neighborhood that her daughter was taking lessons with a composer.

Next day, when Christophe found himself sitting by the piano⁠—a horrible instrument, bought secondhand, which sounded like a guitar⁠—with the butcher’s little daughter, whose short, stubby fingers fumbled with the keys; who was unable to tell one note from another; who was bored to tears; who began at once to yawn in his face; and he had to submit to the mother’s superintendence, and to her conversation, and to her ideas on music and the teaching of music⁠—then he felt so miserable, so wretchedly humiliated, that he had not even the strength to be angry about it. He relapsed into a state of despair: there were evenings when he could not eat. If in a few weeks he had fallen so low, where would he end? What good was it to have rebelled against Hecht’s offer? The thing to which he had submitted was even more degrading.

One evening, as he sat in his room, he could not restrain his tears: he flung himself on his knees by his bed and prayed.⁠ ⁠… To whom did he pray? To whom could he pray? He did not believe in God; he believed that there was no God.⁠ ⁠… But he had to pray⁠—he had to pray within his soul. Only the mean of spirit never need to pray. They never know the need that comes to the strong in spirit of taking refuge within the inner sanctuary of themselves. As he left behind him the humiliations of the day, in the vivid silence of his heart Christophe felt the presence of his eternal Being, of his God. The waters of his wretched life stirred and shifted above Him and never touched Him: what was there in common between that and Him? All the sorrows of the world rushing on to destruction dashed against that rock. Christophe heard the blood beating in his veins, beating like an inward voice, crying:

“Eternal⁠ ⁠… I am⁠ ⁠… I am.⁠ ⁠…”

Well did he know that voice: as long as he could remember he had heard it. Sometimes he forgot it: often for months together he would lose consciousness of its mighty monotonous rhythm: but he knew that it was there, that it never ceased, like the ocean