Short Plays

and sulky. Mrs. Lunn Nonsense! Here, here’s a flower. She gives him one. Go and dream over it until you feel hungry. Nothing brings people to their senses like hunger. Juno Contemplating the flower without rapture. What good’s this? Mrs. Lunn Snatching it from him. Oh! you don’t love me a bit. Juno Yes I do. Or at least I did. But I’m an Englishman; and I think you ought to respect the conventions of English life. Mrs. Lunn But I am respecting them; and you’re not. Juno Pardon me. I may be doing wrong; but I’m doing it in a proper and customary manner. You may be doing right; but you’re doing it in an unusual and questionable manner. I am not prepared to put up with that. I can stand being badly treated: I’m no baby, and can take care of myself with anybody. And of course I can stand being well treated. But the thing I can’t stand is being unexpectedly treated. It’s outside my scheme of life. So come now! you’ve got to behave naturally and straightforwardly with me. You can leave husband and child, home, friends, and country, for my sake, and come with me to some southern isle⁠—or say South America⁠—where we can be all in all to one another. Or you can tell your husband and let him jolly well punch my head if he can. But I’m damned if I’m going to stand any eccentricity. It’s not respectable. Gregory Coming in from the terrace and advancing with dignity to his wife’s end of the chesterfield. Will you have the goodness, sir, in addressing this lady, to keep your temper and refrain from using profane language? Mrs. Lunn Rising, delighted. Gregory! Darling! She enfolds him in a copious embrace. Juno Rising. You make love to another man to my face! Mrs. Lunn Why, he’s my husband. Juno That takes away the last rag of excuse for such conduct. A nice world it would be if married people were to carry on their endearments before everybody! Gregory This is ridiculous. What the devil business is it of yours what passes between my wife and myself? You’re not her husband, are you? Juno Not at present; but I’m on the list. I’m her prospective husband: you’re only her actual one. I’m the anticipation: you’re the disappointment. Mrs. Lunn Oh, my Gregory is not a disappointment. Fondly. Are you, dear? Gregory You just wait, my pet. I’ll settle this chap for you. He disengages himself from her embrace, and faces Juno. She sits down placidly. You call me a disappointment, do you? Well, I suppose every husband’s a disappointment. What about yourself? Don’t try to look like an unmarried man. I happen to know the lady you disappointed. I travelled in the same ship with her; and⁠— Juno And you fell in love with her. Gregory Taken aback. Who told you that? Juno Aha! you confess it. Well, if you want to know, nobody told me. Everybody falls in love with my wife. Gregory And do you fall in love with everybody’s wife? Juno Certainly not. Only with yours. Mrs. Lunn But what’s the good of saying that, Mr. Juno? I’m married to him; and there’s an end of it. Juno Not at all. You can get a divorce. Mrs. Lunn What for? Juno For his misconduct with my wife. Gregory Deeply indignant. How dare you, sir, asperse the character of that sweet lady? a lady whom I have taken under my protection. Juno Protection! Mrs. Juno Returning hastily. Really you must be more careful what you say about me, Mr. Lunn. Juno My precious! He embraces her. Pardon this betrayal of my feeling; but I’ve not seen my wife for several weeks; and she is very dear to me. Gregory I call this cheek. Who is making love to his own wife before people now, pray? Mrs. Lunn Won’t you introduce me to your wife, Mr. Juno? Mrs. Juno How do you do? They shake hands; and Mrs. Juno sits down beside Mrs. Lunn, on her left. Mrs. Lunn I’m so glad to find you do credit to Gregory’s taste. I’m naturally rather particular about the women he falls in love with. Juno Sternly. This is no way to take your husband’s unfaithfulness. To Lunn. You ought to teach your wife better. Where’s her feelings? It’s scandalous. Gregory What about your own conduct, pray? Juno I don’t defend it; and there’s an end of the matter. Gregory Well, upon my soul! What difference does your not defending it make? Juno A fundamental difference. To serious people I may appear wicked. I don’t defend myself: I am wicked, though not bad at heart. To thoughtless people I may even appear comic. Well, laugh at me: I have given myself away. But Mrs. Lunn seems to have no opinion at all about me. She doesn’t seem to know whether I’m wicked or comic. She doesn’t seem to care. She has no moral sense. I say it’s not right. I repeat, I have sinned; and I’m prepared to suffer. Mrs. Juno Have you really sinned, Tops? Mrs. Lunn Blandly. I don’t remember your sinning. I have a shocking bad memory for trifles; but I think I should remember that⁠—if you mean me. Juno Raging. Trifles! I have fallen in love with a monster. Gregory Don’t you dare call my wife a monster. Mrs. Juno Rising quickly and coming between them. Please don’t lose your temper, Mr. Lunn: I won’t have my Tops bullied. Gregory Well, then, let him not brag about sinning with my wife. He turns impulsively to his wife; makes her rise; and takes her proudly on his arm. What pretension has he to any such honor? Juno I sinned in intention. Mrs. Juno abandons him and resumes her seat, chilled. I’m as guilty as if I had actually sinned. And I insist on being treated as a sinner, and not walked over as if I’d done nothing, by your wife or any other man. Mrs. Lunn Tush! She sits down again contemptuously. Juno