Short Plays

letters. Your Highness wishes to see my testimonials, no doubt. I have one from an Archdeacon. She proffers the letters. The Princess Taking them. Do archdeacons have maids? How curious! Ermyntrude No, Your Highness. They have daughters. I have first-rate testimonials from the Archdeacon and from his daughter. The Princess Reading them. The daughter says you are in every respect a treasure. The Archdeacon says he would have kept you if he could possibly have afforded it. Most satisfactory, I’m sure. Ermyntrude May I regard myself as engaged then, Your Highness? The Princess Alarmed. Oh, I’m sure I don’t know. If you like, of course; but do you think I ought to? Ermyntrude Naturally I think Your Highness ought to, most decidedly. The Princess Oh well, if you think that, I daresay you’re quite right. You’ll excuse my mentioning it, I hope; but what wages⁠—er⁠—? Ermyntrude The same as the maid who went to the ball. Your Highness need not make any change. The Princess M’yes. Of course she began with less. But she had such a number of relatives to keep! It was quite heartbreaking: I had to raise her wages again and again. Ermyntrude I shall be quite content with what she began on; and I have no relatives dependent on me. And I am willing to wear my own dresses at balls. The Princess I am sure nothing could be fairer than that. My uncle can’t object to that, can he? Ermyntrude If he does, Your Highness, ask him to speak to me about it. I shall regard it as part of my duties to speak to your uncle about matters of business. The Princess Would you? You must be frightfully courageous. Ermyntrude May I regard myself as engaged, Your Highness? I should like to set about my duties immediately. The Princess Oh yes, I think so. Oh certainly. I⁠— A Waiter comes in with the tea. He places the tray on the table. The Princess Oh, thank you. Ermyntrude Raising the cover from the tea cake and looking at it. How long has that been standing at the top of the stairs? The Princess Terrified. Oh please! It doesn’t matter. The Waiter It has not been waiting. Straight from the kitchen, madam, believe me. Ermyntrude Send the manager here. The Waiter The manager! What do you want with the manager? Ermyntrude He will tell you when I have done with him. How dare you treat Her Highness in this disgraceful manner? What sort of pothouse is this? Where did you learn to speak to persons of quality? Take away your cold tea and cold cake instantly. Give them to the chambermaid you were flirting with whilst Her Highness was waiting. Order some fresh tea at once; and do not presume to bring it yourself: have it brought by a civil waiter who is accustomed to wait on ladies, and not, like you, on commercial travellers. The Waiter Alas, madam, I am not accustomed to wait on anybody. Two years ago I was an eminent medical man, my waiting-room was crowded with the flower of the aristocracy and the higher bourgeoisie from nine to six every day. But the war came; and my patients were ordered to give up their luxuries. They gave up their doctors, but kept their weekend hotels, closing every career to me except the career of a waiter. He puts his fingers on the teapot to test its temperature, and automatically takes out his watch with the other hand as if to count the teapot’s pulse. You are right: the tea is cold: it was made by the wife of a once fashionable architect. The cake is only half toasted: what can you expect from a ruined west-end tailor whose attempt to establish a secondhand business failed last Tuesday week? Have you the heart to complain to the manager? Have we not suffered enough? Are our miseries nev⁠—The Manager enters. Oh Lord! here he is. The Waiter withdraws abjectly, taking the tea tray with him. The Manager Pardon, Your Highness; but I have received an urgent inquiry for rooms from an English family of importance; and I venture to ask you to let me know how long you intend to honor us with your presence. The Princess Rising anxiously. Oh! am I in the way? Ermyntrude Sternly. Sit down, madam. The Princess sits down forlornly. Ermyntrude turns imperiously to the Manager. Her Highness will require this room for twenty minutes. The Manager Twenty minutes! Ermyntrude Yes: it will take fully that time to find a proper apartment in a respectable hotel. The Manager I do not understand. Ermyntrude You understand perfectly. How dare you offer Her Highness a room on the second floor? The Manager But I have explained. The first floor is occupied. At least⁠— Ermyntrude Well? at least? The Manager It is occupied. Ermyntrude Don’t you dare tell Her Highness a falsehood. It is not occupied. You are saving it up for the arrival of the five-fifteen express, from which you hope to pick up some fat armaments contractor who will drink all the bad champagne in your cellar at twenty-five francs a bottle, and pay twice over for everything because he is in the same hotel with Her Highness, and can boast of having turned her out of the best rooms. The Manager But Her Highness was so gracious. I did not know that Her Highness was at all particular. Ermyntrude And you take advantage of Her Highness’s graciousness. You impose on her with your stories. You give her a room not fit for a dog. You send cold tea to her by a decayed professional person disguised as a waiter. But don’t think you can trifle with me. I am a lady’s maid; and I know the ladies’ maids and valets of all the aristocracies of Europe and all the millionaires of America. When I expose your hotel as the second-rate little hole it is, not a soul above the rank of a curate with a large family will be seen entering it. I shake its dust