Short Plays

it is wicked⁠—monstrous. I must sin to earn it. The Friar That will not be your sin, but his mother’s. The Girl Oh, that is true: I never thought of that. But will she suffer for it? The Friar Thousands of years in purgatory for it, my daughter. The worse the sin, the longer she will suffer. So let her have it as hot as possible. The Girl recoils. Do not let go my hand: I’m wandering. She squeezes his hand. That’s right, darling. Sin is a very wicked thing, my daughter. Even a mother-in-law’s sin is very expensive; for your husband would stint you to pay for masses for her soul. The Girl That is true. You are very wise, father. The Friar Let it be a venial sin: an amiable sin. What sin were you thinking of, for instance? The Girl There is a young Count Ferruccio the Friar starts at the name, son of the tyrant of Parma⁠— The Friar An excellent young man, daughter. You could not sin with a more excellent young man. But thirty crowns is too much to ask from him. He can’t afford it. He is a beggar: an outcast. He made love to Madonna Brigita, the sister of Cardinal Poldi, a Cardinal eighteen years of age, a nephew of the Holy Father. The Cardinal surprised Ferruccio with his sister; and Ferruccio’s temper got the better of him. He threw that holy young Cardinal out of the window and broke his arm. The Girl You know everything. The Friar Saint Barbara, my daughter, Saint Barbara. I know nothing. But where have you seen Ferruccio? Saint Barbara says that he never saw you in his life, and has not thirty crowns in the world. The Girl Oh, why does not Saint Barbara tell you that I am an honest girl who would not sell herself for a thousand crowns. The Friar Do not give way to pride, daughter. Pride is one of the seven deadly sins. The Girl I know that, father; and believe me, I’m humble and good. I swear to you by Our Lady that it is not Ferruccio’s love that I must take, but his life. The Friar, startled, turns powerfully on her. Do not be angry, dear father: do not cast me off. What is a poor girl to do? We are very poor, my father and I. And I am not to kill him. I am only to decoy him here; for he is a devil for women; and once he is in the inn, my father will do the rest. The Friar In a rich baritone voice. Will he, by thunder and lightning and the flood and all the saints, will he? He flings off his gown and beard, revealing himself as a handsome youth, a nobleman by his dress, as he springs up and rushes to the door of the inn, which he batters with a stone. Ho there, Squarcio, rascal, assassin, son of a pig: come out that I may break every bone in your carcass. The Girl You are a young man! The Friar Another miracle of Saint Barbara. Kicking the door. Come out, whelp: come out, rat. Come out and be killed. Come out and be beaten to a jelly. Come out, dog, swine, animal, mangy hound, lousy⁠—Squarcio comes out, sword in hand. Do you know who I am, dog? Squarcio Impressed. No, your Excellency. The Friar I am Ferruccio, Count Ferruccio, the man you are to kill, the man your devil of a daughter is to decoy, the man who is now going to cut you into forty thousand pieces and throw you into the lake. Squarcio Keep your temper, Signor Count. Ferruccio I’ll not keep my temper. I’ve an uncontrollable temper. I get blinding splitting headaches if I do not relieve my temper by acts of violence. I’ll relieve it now by pounding you to jelly, assassin that you are. Squarcio Shrugging his shoulders. As you please, Signor Count. I may as well earn my money now as another time. He handles his sword. Ferruccio Ass: do you suppose I have trusted myself in this territory without precautions? My father has made a wager with your feudal lord here about me. Squarcio What wager, may it please your Excellency? Ferruccio What wager, blockhead! Why, that if I am assassinated, the murderer will not be brought to justice. Squarcio So that if I kill you⁠— Ferruccio Your Baron will lose ten crowns unless you are broken on the wheel for it. Squarcio Only ten crowns, Excellency! Your father does not value your life very highly. Ferruccio Dolt. Can you not reason? If the sum were larger your Baron would win it by killing me himself and breaking somebody else on the wheel for it: you, most likely. Ten crowns is just enough to make him break you on the wheel if you kill me, but not enough to pay for all the masses that would have to be said for him if the guilt were his. Squarcio That is very clever, Excellency. Sheathing his sword. You shall not be slain: I will take care of that. If anything happens, it will be an accident. Ferruccio Body of Bacchus! I forgot that trick. I should have killed you when my blood was hot. Squarcio Will your Excellency please to step in? My best room and my best cooking are at your Excellency’s disposal. Ferruccio To the devil with your mangy kennel! You want to tell every traveller that Count Ferruccio slept in your best bed and was eaten by your army of fleas. Take yourself out of my sight when you have told me where the next inn is. Squarcio I’m sorry to thwart your Excellency; but I have not forgotten your father’s wager; and until you leave this territory I shall stick to you like your shadow. Ferruccio And why, pray? Squarcio Someone else might kill your Excellency; and, as you say, my illustrious Baron might break me on the wheel for your father’s ten crowns. I must protect your