Short Plays

Excellency, whether your Excellency is willing or not. Ferruccio If you dare to annoy me, I’ll handle your bones so that there will be nothing left for the hangman to break. Now what do you say? Squarcio I say that your Excellency overrates your Excellency’s strength. You would have no more chance against me than a grasshopper. Ferruccio makes a demonstration. Oh, I know that your Excellency has been taught by fencers and wrestlers and the like; but I can take all you can give me without turning a hair, and settle the account when you are out of breath. That is why common men are dangerous, your Excellency: they are inured to toil and endurance. Besides, I know all the tricks. The Girl Do not attempt to quarrel with my father, Count. It must be as he says. It is his profession to kill. What could you do against him? If you want to beat somebody, you must beat me. She goes into the inn. Squarcio I advise you not to try that, Excellency. She also is very strong. Ferruccio Then I shall have a headache: that’s all. He throws himself ill-humoredly on a bench at the table outside the inn. Giulia returns with a tablecloth and begins preparing the table for a meal. Squarcio A good supper, Excellency, will prevent that. And Giulia will sing for you. Ferruccio Not while there’s a broomstick in the house to break her ugly head with. Do you suppose I’m going to listen to the howling of a she-wolf who wanted me to absolve her for getting me killed? Squarcio The poor must live as well as the rich, sir. Giulia is a good girl. He goes into the inn. Ferruccio Shouting after him. Must the rich die that the poor may live? Giulia The poor often die that the rich may live. Ferruccio What an honor for them! But it would have been no honor for me to die merely that you might marry your clod of a fisherman. Giulia You are spiteful, Signor. Ferruccio I am no troubadour, Giuliaccia, if that is what you mean. Giulia How did you know about my Sandro and his mother? How were you so wise when you pretended to be an old friar? you that are so childish now that you are yourself? Ferruccio I take it that either Saint Barbara inspired me, or else that you are a great fool. Giulia Saint Barbara will surely punish you for that wicked lie you told about her hand. Ferruccio The hand that thrilled you? Giulia That was blasphemy. You should not have done it. You made me feel as if I had had a taste of heaven; and then you poisoned it in my heart as a taste of hell. That was wicked and cruel. You nobles are cruel. Ferruccio Well! do you expect us to nurse your babies for you? Our work is to rule and to fight. Ruling is nothing but inflicting cruelties on wrongdoers: fighting is nothing but being cruel to one’s enemies. You poor people leave us all the cruel work, and then wonder that we are cruel. Where would you be if we left it undone? Outside the life I lead all to myself⁠—the life of thought and poetry⁠—I know only two pleasures: cruelty and lust. I desire revenge: I desire women. And both of them disappoint me when I get them. Giulia It would have been a good deed to kill you, I think. Ferruccio Killing is always sport, my Giuliaccia. Sandro’s Voice On the lake. Giulietta! Giulietta! Ferruccio Calling to him. Stop that noise. Your Giulietta is here with a young nobleman. Come up and amuse him. To Giulietta. What will you give me if I tempt him to defy his mother and marry you without a dowry? Giulia You are tempting me. A poor girl can give no more than she has. I should think you were a devil if you were not a noble, which is worse. She goes out to meet Sandro. Ferruccio Calling after her. The devil does evil for pure love of it: he does not ask a price: he offers it. Squarcio returns. Prepare supper for four, bandit. Squarcio Is your appetite so great in this heat, Signor? Ferruccio There will be four to supper. You, I, your daughter, and Sandro. Do not stint yourselves: I pay for all. Go and prepare more food. Squarcio Your order is already obeyed, Excellency. Ferruccio How? Squarcio I prepared for four, having you here to pay. The only difference your graciousness makes is that we shall have the honor to eat with you instead of after you. Ferruccio Dog of a bandit: you should have been born a nobleman. Squarcio I was born noble, Signor; but as we had no money to maintain our pretensions, I dropped them. He goes back into the inn. Giulia returns with Sandro. Giulia This is the lad, Excellency. Sandro: this is his lordship Count Ferruccio. Sandro At your lordship’s service. Ferruccio Sit down, Sandro. You, Giulia, and Squarcio are my guests. They sit. Giulia I’ve told Sandro everything, Excellency. Ferruccio And what does Sandro say? Squarcio returns with a tray. Giulia He says that if you have ten crowns in your purse, and we kill you, we can give them to the Baron. It would be the same to him as if he got it from your illustrious father. Squarcio Stupid: the Count is cleverer than you think. No matter how much money you give the Baron he can always get ten crowns more by breaking me on the wheel if the Count is killed. Giulia That is true. Sandro did not think of that. Sandro With cheerful politeness. Oh! what a head I have! I am not clever, Excellency. At the same time you must know that I did not mean my Giulietta to tell you. I know my duty to your Excellency better than that. Ferruccio Come! You are dear people: charming people. Let us get to work at the supper. You shall be the mother