Short Plays

a German has. Suppose he shoots you down. Mitchener Excuse me, Balsquith; but that consideration is what we call cowardice in the army. A soldier always assumes that he is going to shoot, not to be shot. Balsquith Jumping up and walking about sulkily. Oh come! I like to hear you military people talking of cowardice. Why, you spend your lives in an ecstasy of terror of imaginary invasions. I don’t believe you ever go to bed without looking under it for a burglar. Mitchener Calmly. A very sensible precaution, Balsquith. I always take it; and, in consequence, I’ve never been burgled. Balsquith Neither have I. Anyhow, don’t you taunt me with cowardice. He posts himself on the hearthrug beside Mitchener, on his left. I never look under my bed for a burglar. I’m not always looking under the nation’s bed for an invader. And if it comes to fighting, I’m quite willing to fight without being three to one. Mitchener These are the romantic ravings of a Jingo civilian, Balsquith. At least you’ll not deny that the absolute command of the sea is essential to our security. Balsquith The absolute command of the sea is essential to the security of the principality of Monaco. But Monaco isn’t going to get it. Mitchener And consequently Monaco enjoys no security. What a frightful thing! How do the inhabitants sleep with the possibility of invasion, of bombardment, continually present to their minds? Would you have our English slumbers broken in the same way? Are we also to live without security? Balsquith Dogmatically. Yes. There’s no such thing as security in the world: and there never can be as long as men are mortal. England will be secure when England is dead, just as the streets of London will be safe when there’s no longer a man in her streets to be run over or a vehicle to run over him. When you military chaps ask for security you are crying for the moon. Mitchener Very seriously. Let me tell you, Balsquith, that in these days of aeroplanes and Zeppelin airships, the question of the moon is becoming one of the greatest importance. It will be reached at no very distant date. Can you, as an Englishman, tamely contemplate the possibility of having to live under a German moon? The British flag must be planted there at all hazards. Balsquith My dear Mitchener, the moon is outside practical politics. I’d swap it for a coaling station tomorrow with Germany or any other Power sufficiently military in its way of thinking to attach any importance to it. Mitchener Losing his temper. You are the friend of every country but your own. Balsquith Say nobody’s enemy but my own. It sounds nicer. You really needn’t be so horribly afraid of the other countries. They’re all in the same fix as we are. I’m much more interested in the death rate in Lambeth than in the German fleet. Mitchener You daren’t say that in Lambeth. Balsquith I’ll say it the day after you publish your scheme for invading Germany and repealing all the Reform Acts. The Orderly comes in. Mitchener What do you want? The Orderly I don’t want anything, governor, thank you. The secretary and president of the Anti-Suffragette League says they had an appointment with the Prime Minister, and that they’ve been sent on here from Downing Street. Balsquith Going to the table. Quite right. I forgot them. To Mitchener. Would you mind my seeing them here? I feel extraordinarily grateful to these women for standing by us and facing the suffragettes, especially as they are naturally the gentler and timider sort of women. The Orderly moans. Did you say anything? The Orderly No, sir. Balsquith Did you catch their names? The Orderly Yes, sir. The president is Lady Corinthia Fanshawe; and the secretary is Mrs. Banger. Mitchener Abruptly. Mrs. what? The Orderly Mrs. Banger. Balsquith Curious that quiet people always seem to have violent names. The Orderly Not much quiet about her, sir. Mitchener Outraged. Attention! Speak when you’re spoken to. Hold your tongue when you’re not. Right about face. March. The Orderly obeys. That’s the way to keep these chaps up to the mark. The Orderly returns. Back again! What do you mean by this mutiny? The Orderly What am I to say to the ladies, sir? Balsquith You don’t mind my seeing them somewhere, do you? Mitchener Not at all. Bring them in to see me when you’ve done with them: I understand that Lady Corinthia is a very fascinating woman. Who is she, by the way? Balsquith Daughter of Lord Broadstairs, the automatic turbine man. Gave quarter of a million to the party funds. She’s musical and romantic and all that⁠—don’t hunt: hates politics: stops in town all the year round: one never sees her anywhere except at the opera and at musical at-homes and so forth. Mitchener What a life! To the Orderly. Where are the ladies? The Orderly In No. 17, Sir. Mitchener Show Mr. Balsquith there; and send Mrs. Farrell here. The Orderly Calling into the corridor. Mrs. Farrell! To Balsquith. This way sir. He goes out with Balsquith. Mrs. Farrell, a lean, highly respectable Irish charwoman of about fifty, comes in. Mitchener Mrs. Farrell: I’ve a very important visit to pay: I shall want my full dress uniform and all my medals and orders and my presentation sword. There was a time when the British Army contained men capable of discharging these duties for their commanding officer. Those days are over. The compulsorily enlisted soldier runs to a woman for everything. I’m therefore reluctantly obliged to trouble you. Mrs. Farrell Your meddles ’n’ ordhers ’n’ the crooked sword widh the ivory handle ’n’ your full dress uniform is in the waxworks in the Chamber o’ Military Glory over in the place they used to call the Banquetin’ Hall. I told you you’d be sorry for sendin’ them away; and you told me to mind me own business. You’re wiser now. Mitchener I am. I had not