Short Plays

physical strength. Lady Corinthia, who is also over thirty, is beautiful and romantic. Mrs. Banger Throwing the door open decisively and marching straight to Michener. Pray how much longer is the Anti-Suffragette League to be kept waiting? She passes him contemptuously and sits down with impressive confidence in the chair next the fireplace. Lady Corinthia takes the chair on the opposite side of the table with equal aplomb. Mitchener I’m extremely sorry. You really do not know what I have to put with. This imbecile, incompetent, unsoldierly disgrace to the uniform he should never have been allowed to put on, ought to have shown you in fifteen minutes ago. The Orderly All I said was⁠— Mitchener Not another word. Attention. Right about face. March. The Orderly sits down doggedly. Get out of the room this instant, you fool, or I’ll kick you out. The Orderly Civilly. I don’t mind that, sir. It’s human. It’s English. Why couldn’t you have said it before? He goes out. Mitchener Take no notice, I beg: these scenes are of daily occurrence now that we have compulsory service under the command of the halfpenny papers. Pray sit down. Lady Corinthia and Mrs. Banger Rising. Thank you. They sit down again. Mitchener Sitting down with a slight chuckle of satisfaction. And now, ladies, to what am I indebted⁠— Mrs. Banger Let me introduce us. I am Rosa Carmina Banger: Mrs. Banger, organizing secretary of the Anti-Suffragette League. This is Lady Corinthia Fanshawe, the president of the League, known in musical circles⁠—I am not musical⁠—as the Richmond Park nightingale. A soprano. I am myself said to be almost a baritone; but I do not profess to understand these distinctions. Mitchener Murmuring politely. Most happy, I’m sure. Mrs. Banger We have come to tell you plainly that the Anti-Suffragettes are going to fight. Mitchener Gallantly. Oh, pray leave that to the men, Mrs. Banger. Lady Corinthia We can no longer trust the men. Mrs. Banger They have shown neither the strength, the courage, nor the determination which are needed to combat women like the suffragettes. Lady Corinthia Nature is too strong for the combatants. Mrs. Banger Physical struggles between persons of opposite sexes are unseemly. Lady Corinthia Demoralizing. Mrs. Banger Insincere. Lady Corinthia They are merely embraces in disguise. Mrs. Banger No such suspicion can attach to combats in which the antagonists are of the same sex. Lady Corinthia The Anti-Suffragettes have resolved to take the field. Mrs. Banger They will enforce the order of General Sandstone for the removal of all women from the two mile radius⁠—that is, all women except themselves. Mitchener I am sorry to have to inform you, madam, that the Government has given up that project, and that General Sandstone has resigned in consequence. Mrs. Banger That does not concern us in the least. We approve of the project and will see that it is carried out. We have spent a good deal of money arming ourselves; and we are not going to have that money thrown away through the pusillanimity of a Cabinet of males. Mitchener Arming yourselves! But, my dear ladies, under the latest proclamation women are strictly forbidden to carry chains, padlocks, tracts on the franchise, or weapons of any description. Lady Corinthia Producing an ivory-handled revolver and pointing it at his nose. You little know your countrywomen, General Mitchener. Mitchener Without flinching. Madam: it is my duty to take possession of that weapon in accordance with the proclamation. Be good enough to put it down. Mrs. Banger Producing an eighteenth century horse pistol. Is it your duty to take possession of this also? Mitchener That, madam, is not a weapon: it is a curiosity. If you would be kind enough to place it in some museum instead of pointing it at my head, I should be obliged to you. Mrs. Banger This pistol, sir, was carried at Waterloo by my grandmother. Mitchener I presume you mean your grandfather. Mrs. Banger You presume unwarrantably. Lady Corinthia Mrs. Banger’s grandmother commanded a canteen at that celebrated battle. Mrs. Banger Who my grandfather was is a point that has never been quite clearly settled. I put my trust not in my ancestors, but in my good sword, which is at my lodgings. Mitchener Your sword! Mrs. Banger The sword with which I slew five Egyptians with my own hand at Kassassin, where I served as a trooper. Mitchener Lord bless me! But was your sex never discovered? Mrs. Banger It was never even suspected. I had a comrade⁠—a gentleman ranker⁠—whom they called Fanny. They never called me Fanny. Lady Corinthia The suffragettes have turned the whole woman movement on to the wrong track. They ask for a vote. Mrs. Banger What use is a vote? Men have the vote. Lady Corinthia And men are slaves. Mrs. Banger What women need is the right to military service. Give me a well-mounted regiment of women with sabres, opposed to a regiment of men with votes. We shall see which will go down before the other. No: we have had enough of these gentle pretty creatures who merely talk and cross-examine ministers in police courts, and go to prison like sheep, and suffer and sacrifice themselves. This question must be solved by blood and iron, as was well said by Bismarck, whom I have reason to believe was a woman in disguise. Mitchener Bismarck a woman! Mrs. Banger All the really strong men of history have been disguised women. Mitchener Remonstrating. My dear lady! Mrs. Banger How can you tell? You never knew that the hero of the charge at Kassassin was a woman: yet she was: it was I, Rosa Carmina Banger. Would Napoleon have been so brutal to women, think you, had he been a man? Mitchener Oh, come, come! Really! Surely female rulers have often shown all the feminine weaknesses. Queen Elizabeth, for instance. Her vanity, her levity⁠— Mrs. Banger Nobody who has studied the history of Queen Elizabeth can doubt for a moment that she was a disguised man. Lady Corinthia Admiring Mrs. Banger. Isn’t she splendid! Mrs. Banger Rising with a large gesture. This very afternoon I shall cast