Short Plays

off this hampering skirt forever; mount my charger; and with my good sabre lead the Anti-Suffragettes to victory. She strides to the other side of the room, snorting. Mitchener But I can’t allow anything of the sort, madam. I shall stand no such ridiculous nonsense. I’m perfectly determined to put my foot down⁠— Lady Corinthia Don’t be hysterical, General. Mitchener Hysterical! Mrs. Banger Do you think we are to be stopped by these childish exhibitions of temper. They are useless; and your tears and entreaties⁠—a man’s last resource⁠—will avail you just as little. I sweep them away, just as I sweep your plans of campaign “made in Germany”⁠— Mitchener Flying into a transport of rage. How dare you repeat that infamous slander! He rings the bell violently. If this is the alternative to votes for women, I shall advocate giving every woman in the country six votes. The Orderly comes in. Remove that woman. See that she leaves the building at once. The Orderly forlornly contemplates the iron front presented by Mrs. Banger. The Orderly Propitiatorily. Would you ’av the feelin’ ’art to step out, madam. Mrs. Banger You are a soldier. Obey your orders. Put me out. If I got such an order I should not hesitate. The Orderly To Mitchener. Would you mind lendin’ me a ’and, Guvner? Lady Corinthia Raising her revolver. I shall be obliged to shoot you if you stir, General. Mrs. Banger To the Orderly. When you are ordered to put a person out you should do it like this. She hurls him from the room. He is heard falling headlong downstairs and crashing through a glass door. I shall now wait on General Sandstone. If he shows any sign of weakness, he shall share that poor wretch’s fate. She goes out. Lady Corinthia Isn’t she magnificent? Mitchener Thank heaven she’s gone. And now, my dear lady, is it necessary to keep that loaded pistol to my nose all through our conversation? Lady Corinthia It’s not loaded. It’s heavy enough, goodness knows, without putting bullets in it. Mitchener Triumphantly snatching his revolver from the drawer. Then I am master of the situation. This is loaded. Ha, ha! Lady Corinthia But since we are not really going to shoot one another, what difference can it possibly make? Mitchener Putting his pistol down on the table. True. Quite true. I recognize there the practical good sense that has prevented you from falling into the snares of the suffragettes. Lady Corinthia The suffragettes, General, are the dupes of dowdies. A really attractive and clever woman⁠— Mitchener Gallantly. Yourself, for instance. Lady Corinthia Snatching up his revolver. Another step and you are a dead man. Mitchener Amazed. My dear lady! Lady Corinthia I am not your dear lady. You are not the first man who has concluded that because I am devoted to music and can reach F in alt with the greatest facility⁠—Patti never got above E flat⁠—I am marked out as the prey of every libertine. You think I am like the thousands of weak women whom you have ruined⁠— Mitchener I solemnly protest⁠— Lady Corinthia Oh, I know what you officers are. To you a woman’s honor is nothing, and the idle pleasure of the moment is everything. Mitchener This is perfectly ridiculous. I never ruined anyone in my life. Lady Corinthia Never! Are you in earnest? Mitchener Certainly I am in earnest. Most indignantly in earnest. Lady Corinthia Throwing down the pistol contemptuously. Then you have no temperament; you are not an artist. You have no soul for music. Mitchener I’ve subscribed to the regimental band all my life. I bought two sarrusophones for it out of my own pocket. When I sang Tosti’s “Goodbye Forever” at Knightsbridge in 1880 the whole regiment wept. You are too young to remember that. Lady Corinthia Your advances are useless. I⁠— Mitchener Confound it, madam, can you not receive an innocent compliment without suspecting me of dishonorable intentions? Lady Corinthia Love⁠—real love⁠—makes all intentions honorable. But you could never understand that. Mitchener I’ll not submit to the vulgar penny-novelette notion that an officer is less honorable than a civilian in his relations with women. While I live I’ll raise my voice⁠— Lady Corinthia Tush! Mitchener What do you mean by tush? Lady Corinthia You can’t raise your voice above its natural compass. What sort of voice have you? Mitchener A tenor. What sort had you? Lady Corinthia Had! I have it still. I tell you I am the highest living soprano. Scornfully. What was your highest note, pray? Mitchener B flat⁠—once⁠—in 1879. I was drunk at the time. Lady Corinthia Gazing at him almost tenderly. Though you may not believe me, I find you are more interesting when you talk about music than when you are endeavoring to betray a woman who has trusted you by remaining alone with you in your apartment. Mitchener Springing up and fuming away to the fireplace. Those repeated insults to a man of blameless life are as disgraceful to you as they are undeserved by me, Lady Corinthia. Such suspicions invite the conduct they impute. She raises the pistol. You need not be alarmed: I am only going to leave the room. Lady Corinthia Fish. Mitchener Fish! This is worse than tush. Why fish? Lady Corinthia Yes, fish: coldblooded fish. Mitchener Dash it all, madam, do you want me to make advances to you? Lady Corinthia I have not the slightest intention of yielding to them; but to make them would be a tribute to romance. What is life without romance? Mitchener Making a movement towards her. I tell you⁠— Lady Corinthia Stop. No nearer. No vulgar sensuousness. If you must adore, adore at a distance. Mitchener This is worse than Mrs. Banger. I shall ask that estimable woman to come back. Lady Corinthia Poor Mrs. Banger! Do not for a moment suppose, General Mitchener, that Mrs. Banger represents my views on the suffrage question. Mrs. Banger is a man in petticoats. I am every inch a woman; but I find it convenient to work with her. Mitchener Do you find the combination comfortable? Lady Corinthia I