Short Plays

the bakers, the beauties and the bigwigs will take care of themselves. Rising and facing her determinedly. Anyhow, I don’t want to have things arranged for me by Wagner. I’m not Wagner. How does he know where the shoe pinches me? How do you know where the shoe pinches your washerwoman? you and your high F in alt! How are you to know when you haven’t made her comfortable unless she has a vote? Do you want her to come and break your windows? Lady Corinthia Am I to understand that General Mitchener is a democrat and a suffragette? Mitchener Yes: you have converted me⁠—you and Mrs. Banger. Lady Corinthia Farewell, creature. Balsquith enters hurriedly. Mr. Balsquith: I am going to wait on General Sandstone. He, at least, is an officer and a gentleman. She sails out. Balsquith Mitchener: the game is up. Mitchener What do you mean? Balsquith The strain is too much for the Cabinet. The old Liberal and Unionist Free Traders declare that if they are defeated on their resolution to invite tenders from private contractors for carrying on the Army and Navy, they will go solid for votes for women as the only means of restoring the liberties of the country which we have destroyed by compulsory military service. Mitchener Infernal impudence! Balsquith The Labor Party is taking the same line. They say the men got the Factory Acts by hiding behind the women’s petticoats, and that they will get votes for the army in the same way. Mitchener Balsquith: we must not yield to clamor. I have just told this lady that I am at last convinced⁠— Balsquith Joyfully.⁠—that the suffragettes must be supported? Mitchener No: that the anti-suffragettes must be put down at all hazards. Balsquith Same thing. Mitchener No. For you now tell me that the Labor Party demands votes for women. That makes it impossible to give them, because it would be yielding to clamor. The one condition on which we can consent to grant anything in this country is that nobody shall presume to ask for it. Balsquith Earnestly. Mitchener: it’s no use. You can’t have the conveniences of Democracy without its occasional inconveniences. Mitchener What are its conveniences, I should like to know? Balsquith Well, when you tell people that they are the real rulers and they can do what they like, nine times out of ten, they say “All right: tell us what to do.” But it happens sometimes that they get an idea of their own; and then of course you’re landed. Mitchener Sh⁠— Balsquith Desperately shouting him down. No: it’s no use telling me to shoot them down: I’m not going to do it. After all, I don’t suppose votes for women will make much difference. It hasn’t in the other countries in which it has been tried. Mitchener I never supposed it would make any difference. What I can’t stand is giving in to that Pankhurst lot. Hang it all, Balsquith, it seems only yesterday that we put them in quod for a month. I said at the time that it ought to have been ten years. If my advice had been taken this wouldn’t have happened. It’s a consolation to me that events are proving how thoroughly right I was. The Orderly rushes in. The Orderly Look ’ere, sir: Mrs. Banger locked the door of General Sandstone’s room on the inside; an’ she’s sittin’ on his ’ead ’til he signs a proclamation for women to serve in the army. Mitchener Put your shoulder to the door and burst it open. The Orderly It’s only in storybooks that doors burst open as easy as that. Besides, I’m only too thankful to ’av a locked door between me and Mrs. B.; and so is all the rest of us. Mitchener Cowards. Balsquith: to the rescue! He dashes out. Balsquith Ambling calmly to the hearth. This is the business of the Sergeant at Arms rather than of the leader of the House. There’s no use in my tackling Mrs. Banger: she would only sit on my head too. The Orderly You take my tip, Mr. Balsquith. Give the women the vote and give the army civil rights; and ’av done with it. Mitchener returns and comes between them. Mitchener Balsquith: prepare to hear the worst. Balsquith Sandstone is no more? Mitchener On the contrary, he is particularly lively. He has softened Mrs. Banger by a proposal of marriage in which he appears to be perfectly in earnest. He says he has met his ideal at last, a really soldierly woman. She will sit on his head for the rest of his life; and the British Army is now to all intents and purposes commanded by Mrs. Banger. When I remonstrated with Sandstone she positively shouted “Right about face. March” at me in the most offensive tone. If she hadn’t been a woman I should have punched her head. I precious nearly punched Sandstone’s. The horrors of martial law administered by Mrs. Banger are too terrible to be faced. I demand civil rights for the army. The Orderly Chuckling. Wot ’oh, General! Wot ’oh! Mitchener Hold your tongue. He goes to the door and calls. Mrs. Farrell! He returns, and again addresses the Orderly. Civil rights don’t mean the right to be uncivil. Pleased with his own wit. Almost a pun. Ha ha! Mrs. Farrell What’s the matther now? She comes to the table. Mitchener To the Orderly. I have private business with Mrs. Farrell. Outside, you infernal blackguard. The Orderly Arguing, as usual. Well, I didn’t ask to⁠—Mitchener seizes him by the nape; rushes him out; slams the door; and comes solemnly to Mrs. Farrell. Mitchener Excuse the abruptness of this communication, Mrs. Farrell; but I know only one woman in the country whose practical ability and force of character can maintain her husband in competition with the husband of Mrs. Banger. I have the honor to propose for your hand. Mrs. Farrell D’ye mean you want to marry me? Mitchener I do. Mrs. Farrell No thank you. I’d have to work for