Short Plays

you just the same; only I shouldn’t get any wages for it. Balsquith That will be remedied when women get the vote. I’ve had to promise that. Mitchener Winningly. Mrs. Farrell: you have been charwoman here now ever since I took up my duties. Have you really never, in your more romantic moments, cast a favorable eye on my person? Mrs. Farrell I’ve been too busy casting an unfavorable eye on your cloze an’ on the litther you make with your papers. Mitchener Wounded. Am I to understand that you refuse me? Mrs. Farrell Just wait a bit. She takes Mitchener’s chair and rings up the telephone. Double three oh seven Elephant. Mitchener I trust you’re not ringing for the police, Mrs. Farrell. I assure you I’m perfectly sane. Mrs. Farrell Into the telephone. Is that you, Eliza? She listens for the answer. Not out of bed yet! Go and pull her out by the heels, the lazy sthreel; an’ tell her her mother wants to speak to her very particularly about General Mitchener. To Mitchener. Don’t you be afeard: I know you’re sane enough when you’re not talkin’ about the Germans. Into the telephone. Is that you, Eliza? She listens for the answer. D’ye remember me givin’ you a clout on the side of the head for tellin’ me that if I only knew how to play me cards I could marry any General on the staff instead o’ disgracin’ you be bein’ a charwoman? She listens for the answer. Well, I can have General Mitchener without playin’ any cards at all. What d’ye think I ought to say? She listens. Well, I’m no chicken meself. To Mitchener. How old are you? Mitchener With an effort. Fifty-two. Mrs. Farrell Into the telephone. He says he’s fifty-two. She listens; then, to Mitchener. She says you’re down in Who’s Who as sixty-one. Mitchener Damn Who’s Who! Mrs. Farrell Into the telephone. Anyhow I wouldn’t let that stand in the way. She listens. If I really what? She listens. I can’t hear you. If I really what? She listens. Who druv him? I never said a word to⁠—Eh? She listens. Oh, love him. Arra, don’t be a fool, child. To Mitchener. She wants to know do I really love you. Into the telephone. It’s likely indeed I’d frighten the man off with any such nonsense, at my age. What? She listens. Well, that’s just what I was thinkin’. Mitchener May I ask what you were thinking, Mrs. Farrell? This suspense is awful. Mrs. Farrell I was thinkin’ that p’raps the Duchess might like her daughther-in-law’s mother to be a General’s lady betther than to be a charwoman. Into the telephone. Wait’le you’re married yourself, me fine lady: you’ll find out that every woman’s a charwoman from the day she’s married. She listens. Then you think I might take him? She listens. G’lang, you young scald: if I had you here I’d teach you manners. She listens. That’s enough now. Back wid you to bed; and be thankful I’m not there to put me slipper across you. She rings off. The impudence! To Mitchener. “Bless you, me childher, may you be happy,” she says. To Balsquith, going to his side of the room. “Give dear old Mitch me love,” she says. The Orderly opens the door, ushering in Lady Corinthia. The Orderly Lady Corinthia Fanshawe to speak to you, sir. Lady Corinthia General Mitchener: your designs on Mrs. Banger are defeated. She is engaged to General Sandstone. Do you still prefer her to me? Mrs. Farrell He’s out o’ the hunt. He’s engaged to me. The Orderly, overcome by this news, reels from the door to the standing desk and clutches the stool to save himself from collapsing. Mitchener And extremely proud of it, Lady Corinthia. Lady Corinthia Contemptuously. She suits you exactly. Coming to Balsquith. Mr. Balsquith: you, at least, are not a Philistine. Balsquith No, Lady Corinthia; but I’m a confirmed bachelor. I don’t want a wife; but I want an Egeria. Mrs. Farrell More shame for you! Lady Corinthia Silence, woman. The position and functions of a wife may suit your gross nature. An Egeria is exactly what I desire to be. To Balsquith. Can you play accompaniments? Balsquith Melodies only, I regret to say. With one finger. But my brother, who is a very obliging fellow, and not unlike me personally, is acquainted with three chords, with which he manages to accompany most of the comic songs of the day. Lady Corinthia I do not sing comic songs. Neither will you when I am your Egeria. You must come to my musical at-home this afternoon. I will allow you to sit at my feet. Balsquith Doing so. That is my ideal of romantic happiness. It commits me exactly as far as I desire to venture. Thank you. The Orderly Wot price me, General? Won’t you celebrate your engagement by doin’ something for me? Mayn’t I be promoted to be a sergeant. Mitchener You’re too utterly incompetent to discharge the duties of a sergeant. You are only fit to be a lieutenant. I shall recommend you for a commission. The Orderly Hooray! The Parkinsons o’ Stepney’ll be proud to have me call on ’em now. I’ll go and tell the sergeant what I think of him. Hooray! He rushes out. Mrs. Farrell Going to the door and calling after him. You might have the manners to shut the door afther you. She shuts it and comes between Mitchener and Lady Corinthia. Mitchener Poor wretch! the day after civil rights are conceded to the army he and Chubbs-Jenkinson will be found incapable of maintaining discipline. They will be sacked and replaced by really capable men. Mrs. Farrell: as we are engaged, and I am anxious to do the correct thing in every way, I am quite willing to