“Go away! Where would you go to?”
“It does not matter. I do not make you happy.”
“What do you mean? Who says that I am not happy? Why do you talk like that?”
“Do not be angry with me. Nobody says so. I can see it well enough. I know how good you are to me, but I am making your life wretched. I am a wet blanket to you, and yet I cannot help myself. If I could only go somewhere, where I could be of use.”
“I don’t know what you mean. This is your proper home.”
“No;—it is not my home. I ought to have forfeited it. I ought to go where I could work and be of some use in the world.”
“You might be of use if you chose, my dear. Your proper career is before you if you would condescend to accept it. It is not for me to persuade you, but I can see and feel the truth. Till you bring yourself to do that, your days will be blighted—and so will mine. You have made one great mistake in life. Stop a moment. I do not speak often, but I wish you to listen to me now. Such mistakes do generally produce misery and ruin to all who are concerned. With you it chances that it may be otherwise. You can put your foot again upon the firm ground and recover everything. Of course there must be a struggle. One person has to struggle with circumstances, another with his foes, and a third with his own feelings. I can understand that there should be such a struggle with you; but it ought to be made. You ought to be brave enough and strong enough to conquer your regrets, and to begin again. In no other way can you do anything for me or for yourself. To talk of going away is childish nonsense. Whither would you go? I shall not urge you any more, but I would not have you talk to me in that way.” Then he got up and left the room and the house, and went down to his club—in order that she might think of what he had said in solitude.
And she did think of it;—but still continually with an assurance to herself that her father did not understand her feelings. The career of which he spoke was no doubt open to her, but she could not regard it as that which it was proper that she should fulfil, as he did. When she told her lover that she had lain among the pots till she was black and defiled, she expressed in the strongest language that which was her real conviction. He did not think her to have been defiled—or at any rate thought that she might again bear the wings of a dove; but she felt it, and therefore knew herself to be unfit. She had said it all to her lover in the strongest words she could find, but she could not repeat them to her father. The next morning when he came into the parlour where she was already sitting, she looked up at him almost reproachfully. Did he think that a woman was a piece of furniture which you can mend, and revarnish, and fit out with new ornaments, and then send out for use, secondhand indeed, but for all purposes as good as new?
Then, while she was in this frame of mind, Everett came in upon her unawares, and with his almost boisterous happiness succeeded for a while in changing the current of her thoughts. He was of course now uppermost in his own thoughts. The last few months had made so much of him that he might be excused for being unable to sink himself in the presence of others. He was the heir to the baronetcy—and to the double fortunes of the two old men. And he was going to be married in a manner as everyone told him to increase the glory and stability of the family. “It’s all nonsense about your not coming down,” he said. She smiled and shook her head. “I can only tell you that it will give the greatest offence to everyone. If you knew how much they talk about you down there I don’t think you would like to hurt them.”
“Of course I would not like to hurt them.”
“And considering that you have no other brother—”
“Oh, Everett!”
“I think more about it, perhaps, than you do. I think you owe it me to come down. You will never probably have another chance of being present at your brother’s marriage.” This he said in a tone that was almost lachrymose.
“A wedding, Everett, should be merry.”
“I don’t know about that. It is a very serious sort of thing to my way of thinking. When Mary got your letter it nearly broke her heart. I think I have a right to expect it, and if you don’t come I shall feel myself injured. I don’t see what is the use of having a family if the members of it do not stick together. What would you think if I were to desert you?”
“Desert you, Everett?”
“Well, yes;—it is something of the kind. I have made my request, and you can comply with it or not as you please.”
“I will go,” she said
