Poetry

off his.

XVI

It is nearly always untrue to say of a man that he wishes to leave a great property behind him when he dies. Usually he would like to take it along.

XVII

Benevolence is as purely selfish as greed. No one would do a benevolent action if he knew it would entail remorse.

XVIII

If cleanliness is next to godliness, it is a matter of unceasing wonder that, having gone to the extreme limit of the former, so many people manage to stop short exactly at the line of demarcation.

XIX

Most people have no more definite idea of liberty than that it consists in being compelled by law to do as they like.

XX

Every man is at heart a brute, and the greatest injury you can put upon anyone is to provoke him into displaying his nature. No gentleman ever forgives the man who makes him let out his beast.

XXI

The Psalmist never saw the seed of the righteous begging bread. In our day they sometimes request pennies for keeping the street-crossings in order.

XXII

When two wholly irreconcilable propositions are presented to the mind, the safest way is to thank Heaven that we are not like the unreasoning brutes, and believe both.

XXIII

If every malefactor in the church were known by his face it would be necessary to prohibit the secular tongue from crying “stop thief.” Otherwise the church bells could not be heard of a pleasant Sunday.

XXIV

Truth is more deceptive than falsehood, because it is commonly employed by those from whom we do not expect it, and so passes for what it is not.

XXV

“If people only knew how foolish it is” to take their wine with a dash of prussic acid, it is probable that they would⁠—prefer to take it with that addition.

XXVI

“A man’s honour,” says a philosopher, “is the best protection he can have.” Then most men might find a heartless oppressor in the predatory oyster.

XXVII

The canary gets his name from the dog, an animal whom he looks down upon. We get a good many worse things than names from those beneath us; and they give us a bad name too.

XXVIII

Faith is the best evidence in the world; it reconciles contradictions and proves impossibilities. It is wonderfully developed in the blind.

XXIX

He who undertakes an “Account of Idiots in All Ages” will find himself committed to the task of compiling most known biographies. Some future publisher will affix a life of the compiler.

XXX

Gratitude is regarded as a precious virtue, because tendered as a fair equivalent for any conceivable service.

XXXI

A bad marriage is like an electric machine: it makes you dance, but you can’t let go.

XXXII

The symbol of Charity should be a circle. It usually ends exactly where it begins⁠—at home.

XXXIII

Most people redeem a promise as an angler takes in a trout; by first playing it with a good deal of line.

XXXIV

It is a grave mistake to suppose defaulters have no consciences. Some of them have been known, under favourable circumstances, to restore as much as ten percent of their plunder.

XXXV

There is nothing so progressive as grief, and nothing so infectious as progress. I have seen an acre of cemetery infected by a single innovation in spelling cut upon a tombstone.

XXXVI

It is wicked to cheat on Sunday. The law recognises this truth, and shuts up the shops.

XXXVII

In the infancy of our language to be “foolish” signified to be affectionate; to be “fond” was to be silly. We have altered that now: to be “foolish” is to be silly, to be “fond” is to be affectionate. But that the change could ever have been made is significant.

XXXVIII

If you meet a man on the narrow crossing of a muddy street, stand quite still. He will turn out and go round you, bowing his apologies. It is courtesy to accept them.

XXXIX

If every hypocrite in the United States were to break his leg at noon to-day, the country might be successfully invaded at one o’clock by the warlike hypocrites of Canada.

XL

To Dogmatism the Spirit of Inquiry is the same as the Spirit of Evil; and to pictures of the latter it has appended a tail, to represent the note of interrogation.

XLI

We speak of the affections as originating in instinct. This is a miserable subterfuge to shift the obloquy from the judgment.

XLII

What we call decency is custom; what we term indecency is merely customary.

XLIII

The noblest pursuit of Man is the pursuit of Woman.

XLIV

“Immoral” is the solemn judgment of the stalled ox upon the sun-inspired lamb.

Epigrams

I

If every hypocrite in the United States were to break his leg to-day the country could be successfully invaded to-morrow by the warlike hypocrites of Canada.

II

To Dogmatism the Spirit of Inquiry is the same as the Spirit of Evil, and to pictures of the latter it appends a tail to represent the note of interrogation.

III

“Immoral” is the judgment of the stalled ox on the gamboling lamb.

IV

In forgiving an injury be somewhat ceremonious, lest your magnanimity be construed as indifference.

V

True, man does not know woman. But neither does woman.

VI

Age is provident because the less future we have the more we fear it.

VII

Reason is fallible and virtue vincible; the winds vary and the needle forsakes the pole, but stupidity never errs and