The Golden Ass

oh, which I roared out so valiantly, that the young men of the town seeking for a stray ass, that they had lost the same night, and hearing my voice, whereby they judged that I had been theirs, entered into the house unawares, and found these persons committing their vile abomination, which when they saw, they declared to all the inhabitants by, their unnatural villainy, mocking and laughing at this the pure and clean chastity of their religion. In the mean season, Phelibus and his company, (by reason of the bruit which was dispersed throughout all the region there of their beastly wickedness) put all their trumpery upon my back, and departed away about midnight. When we had passed a great part of our journey, before the rising of the sun, we came into a wild desert, where they conspired together to slay me. For after they had taken the goddess from my back and set her gingerly upon the ground, they likewise took off my harness, and bound me surely to an oak, beating me with their whip, in such sort that all my body was mortified. Amongst whom there was one that threatened to cut off my legs with his hatchet, because by my noise I defamed his chastity, but the other regarding more their own profit than my utility, thought best to spare my life, because I might carry home the goddess. So they laded me again, driving me before them with their naked swords, till they came to a noble city: where the principal patron bearing high reverence unto the goddess, came in great devotion before us with tympany, cymbals, and other instruments, and received her, and all our company with much sacrifice and veneration. But there I remember, I thought myself in most danger, for there was one that brought to the master of the house, a side of a fat buck for a present, which being hanged behind the kitchen door, not far from the ground, was clean eaten up by a greyhound, that came in. The cook when he saw the venison devoured, lamented and wept pitifully. And because suppertime approached nigh, when as he should be reproved of too much negligence, he took a halter to hang himself: but his wife perceiving whereabout he went, ran incontinently to him, and taking the halter in both her hands, stopped him of his purpose, saying, Oh husband, are you out of your wits? Pray husband follow my counsel, carry this strange ass out into some secret place and kill him, which done, cut off one of his sides, and sauce it well like the side of the buck, and set it before your master. Then the cook hearing the counsel of his wife, was well pleased to slay me to save himself: and so he went to the whetstone, to sharp his tools accordingly.

Book IX

XXXVII

How Apuleius saved himself from the cook, breaking his halter, and of other things that happened.

In this manner the traitorous cook prepared himself to slay me: and when he was ready with his knives to do his feat, I devised with myself how I might escape the present peril, and I did not long delay: for incontinently I brake the halter wherewith I was tied, and flinging my heels hither and thither to save myself, at length I ran hastily into a parlour, where the master of the house was feasting with the priests of the goddess Syria, and disquieted all the company, throwing down their meats and drinks from the table. The master of the house dismayed at my great disorder, commanded one of his servants to take me up, and lock me in some strong place, to the end I might disturb them no more. But I little regarded my imprisonment, considering that I was happily delivered from the hands of the traitorous cook. Howbeit fortune, or the fatal disposition of the divine providence, which neither can be avoided by wise counsel, neither yet by any wholesome remedy, invented a new torment, for by and by a young lad came running into the parlour all trembling, and declared to the master of the house, that there was a mad dog running about in the streets, which had done much harm, for he had bitten many greyhounds and horses in the inn by: and he spared neither man nor beast. For there was one Mitilius a muleteer, Epheseus, a cook, Hyppanius a chamberlain, and Appolonius a physician, who (thinking to chase away the mad dog) were cruelly wounded by him, insomuch that many horses and other beasts infected with the venom of his poisonous teeth became mad likewise. Which thing caused them all at the table greatly to fear, and thinking that I had been bitten in like sort, came out with spears, clubs, and pitchforks purposing to slay me, and I had undoubtedly been slain, had I not by and by crept into the chamber, where my master intended to lodge all night. Then they closed and locked fast the doors about me, and kept the chamber round, till such time as they thought that the pestilent rage of madness had killed me. When I was thus shut in the chamber alone, I laid me down upon the bed to sleep, considering it was long time past, since I lay and took my rest as a man doth. When morning was come, and that I was well reposed, I rose up lustily. In the mean season, they which were appointed to watch about the chamber all night, reasoned with themselves in this sort, Verily (quoth one) I think that this rude ass be dead. So think I (quoth another) for the outrageous poison of madness hath killed him, but being thus in diverse opinions of a poor ass, they looked through a crevice, and espied me standing still, sober and quiet in the middle of the chamber;