The Conscious Lovers

this father and son live as well together as possible, yet their fear of giving each other pain is attended with constant mutual uneasiness. I’m sure I have enough to do to be honest, and yet keep well with them both. But they know I love ’em, and that makes the task less painful however. Oh, here’s the prince of poor coxcombs, the representative of all the better fed than taught. Ho! ho! Tom, whither so gay and so airy this morning? Enter Tom, singing. Tom Sir, we servants of single gentlemen are another kind of people than you domestic ordinary drudges that do business; we are raised above you. The pleasures of board-wages, tavern dinners, and many a clear gain; vails, alas! you never heard or dreamt of. Humphry Thou hast follies and vices enough for a man of ten thousand a year, though ’tis but as t’other day that I sent for you to town to put you into Mr. Sealand’s family, that you might learn a little before I put you to my young master, who is too gentle for training such a rude thing as you were into proper obedience. You then pulled off your hat to everyone you met in the street, like a bashful great awkward cub as you were. But your great oaken cudgel, when you were a booby, became you much better than that dangling stick at your button, now you are a fop. That’s fit for nothing, except it hangs there to be ready for your master’s hand when you are impertinent. Tom Uncle Humphry, you know my master scorns to strike his servants. You talk as if the world was now just as it was when my old master and you were in your youth; when you went to dinner because it was so much o’clock, when the great blow was given in the hall at the pantry door, and all the family came out of their holes in such strange dresses and formal faces as you see in the pictures in our long gallery in the country. Humphry Why, you wild rogue! Tom You could not fall to your dinner till a formal fellow in a black gown said something over the meat, as if the cook had not made it ready enough. Humphry Sirrah, who do you prate after? Despising men of sacred characters! I hope you never heard my good young master talk so like a profligate. Tom Sir, I say you put upon me, when I first came to town, about being orderly, and the doctrine of wearing shams to make linen last clean a fortnight, keeping my clothes fresh, and wearing a frock within doors. Humphry Sirrah, I gave you those lessons because I supposed at that time your master and you might have dined at home every day, and cost you nothing; then you might have made a good family servant. But the gang you have frequented since at chocolate houses and taverns, in a continual round of noise and extravagance⁠— Tom I don’t know what you heavy inmates call noise and extravagance; but we gentlemen, who are well fed, and cut a figure, sir, think it a fine life, and that we must be very pretty fellows who are kept only to be looked at. Humphry Very well, sir, I hope the fashion of being lewd and extravagant, despising of decency and order, is almost at an end, since it has arrived at persons of your quality. Tom Master Humphry, ha! ha! you were an unhappy lad to be sent up to town in such queer days as you were. Why, now, sir, the lackeys are the men of pleasure of the age, the top gamesters; and many a laced coat about town have had their education in our parti-coloured regiment. We are false lovers; have a taste of music, poetry, billet-doux, dress, politics; ruin damsels; and when we are tired of this lewd town, and have a mind to take up, whip into our masters’ wigs and linen, and marry fortunes. Humphry Hey-day! Tom Nay, sir, our order is carried up to the highest dignities and distinctions; step but into the Painted Chamber,17 and by our titles you’d take us all for men of quality. Then, again, come down to the Court of Requests, and you see us all laying our broken heads together for the good of the nation; and though we never carry a question nemine contradicente, yet this I can say, with a safe conscience (and I wish every gentleman of our cloth could lay his hand upon his heart and say the same), that I never took so much as a single mug of beer for my vote in all my life. Humphry Sirrah, there is no enduring your extravagance; I’ll hear you prate no longer. I wanted to see you to enquire how things go with your master, as far as you understand them; I suppose he knows he is to be married today. Tom Ay, sir, he knows it, and is dressed as gay as the sun; but, between you and I, my dear, he has a very heavy heart under all that gaiety. As soon as he was dressed I retired, but overheard him sigh in the most heavy manner. He walked thoughtfully to and fro in the room, then went into his closet; when he came out he gave me this for his mistress, whose maid, you know⁠— Humphry Is passionately fond of your fine person. Tom The poor fool is so tender, and loves to hear me talk of the world, and the plays, operas, and ridottos18 for the winter, the parks and Belsize19 for our summer diversions; and “Lard!” says she, “you are so wild, but you have a world of humour.” Humphry Coxcomb! Well, but why don’t you run with your master’s letter to Mrs. Lucinda, as he ordered you? Tom Because Mrs. Lucinda is not so easily come at as you think for. Humphry Not easily come at? Why, sirrah,