The Conscious Lovers

are not her father and my old master agreed that she and Mr. Bevil are to be one flesh before tomorrow morning? Tom It’s no matter for that; her mother, it seems, Mrs. Sealand, has not agreed to it; and you must know, Mr. Humphry, that in that family the grey mare is the better horse. Humphry What dost thou mean? Tom In one word, Mrs. Sealand pretends to have a will of her own, and has provided a relation of hers, a stiff, starched philosopher, and a wise fool, for her daughter; for which reason, for these ten days past, she has suffered no message nor letter from my master to come near her. Humphry And where had you this intelligence? Tom From a foolish fond soul that can keep nothing from me; one that will deliver this letter too, if she is rightly managed. Humphry What! her pretty handmaid, Mrs. Phillis? Tom Even she, sir; this is the very hour, you know, she usually comes hither, under a pretence of a visit to your housekeeper, forsooth, but in reality to have a glance at⁠— Humphry Your sweet face, I warrant you. Tom Nothing else in nature; you must know, I love to fret and play with the little wanton. Humphry Play with the little wanton! What will this world come to! Tom I met her this morning in a new manteau and petticoat, not a bit the worse for her lady’s wearing; and she has always new thoughts and new airs with new clothes⁠—then she never fails to steal some glance or gesture from every visitant at their house; and is, indeed, the whole town of coquets at secondhand. But here she comes; in one motion she speaks and describes herself better than all the words in the world can. Humphry Then I hope, dear sir, when your own affair is over, you will be so good as to mind your master’s with her. Tom Dear Humphry, you know my master is my friend, and those are people I never forget. Humphry Sauciness itself! but I’ll leave you to do your best for him. Exit. Enter Phillis.20 Phillis Oh, Mr. Thomas, is Mrs. Sugar-key at home? Lard, one is almost ashamed to pass along the streets! The town is quite empty, and nobody of fashion left in it; and the ordinary people do so stare to see anything, dressed like a woman of condition, as it were on the same floor with them, pass by. Alas! alas! it is a sad thing to walk. O fortune! fortune! Tom What! a sad thing to walk? Why, Madam Phillis, do you wish yourself lame? Phillis No, Mr. Tom, but I wish I were generally carried in a coach or chair, and of a fortune neither to stand nor go, but to totter, or slide, to be shortsighted, or stare, to fleer in the face, to look distant, to observe, to overlook, yet all become me; and, if I was rich, I could twire21 and loll as well as the best of them. Oh, Tom! Tom! is it not a pity that you should be so great a coxcomb, and I so great a coquet, and yet be such poor devils as we are? Tom Mrs. Phillis, I am your humble servant for that⁠— Phillis Yes, Mr. Thomas, I know how much you are my humble servant, and know what you said to Mrs. Judy, upon seeing her in one of her lady’s cast manteaus: That anyone would have thought her the lady, and that she had ordered the other to wear it till it sat easy; for now only it was becoming. To my lady it was only a covering, to Mrs. Judy it was a habit. This you said, after somebody or other. Oh, Tom! Tom! thou art as false and as base as the best gentleman of them all; but, you wretch, talk to me no more on the old odious subject⁠—don’t, I say. Tom I know not how to resist your commands, madam. In a submissive tone, retiring. Phillis Commands about parting are grown mighty easy to you of late. Tom Oh, I have her; I have nettled and put her into the right temper to be wrought upon and set a-prating. Aside.⁠—Why, truly, to be plain with you, Mrs. Phillis, I can take little comfort of late in frequenting your house. Phillis Pray, Mr. Thomas, what is it all of a sudden offends your nicety at our house? Tom I don’t care to speak particulars, but I dislike the whole. Phillis I thank you, sir, I am a part of that whole. Tom Mistake me not, good Phillis. Phillis Good Phillis! Saucy enough. But however⁠— Tom I say, it is that thou art a part, which gives me pain for the disposition of the whole. You must know, madam, to be serious, I am a man, at the bottom, of prodigious nice honour. You are too much exposed to company at your house. To be plain, I don’t like so many, that would be your mistress’s lovers, whispering to you. Phillis Don’t think to put that upon me. You say this, because I wrung you to the heart when I touched your guilty conscience about Judy. Tom Ah, Phillis! Phillis! if you but knew my heart! Phillis I know too much on’t. Tom Nay, then, poor Crispo’s22 fate and mine are one. Therefore give me leave to say, or sing at least, as he does upon the same occasion⁠—“Se vedette,” etc. Sings. Phillis What, do you think I’m to be fobbed off with a song? I don’t question but you have sung the same to Mrs. Judy too. Tom Don’t disparage your charms, good Phillis, with jealousy of so worthless an object; besides, she is a poor hussy, and if you doubt the sincerity of my love, you will allow me true to my interest. You are a fortune, Phillis. Phillis What would the fop be at now? In good time, indeed, you shall be setting up for a fortune! Tom Dear Mrs. Phillis, you have such