She Stoops to Conquer

of Prince Eugene and the Duke of Marlborough. I hate such old-fashioned trumpery. Hardcastle And I love it. I love everything that’s old: old friends, old times, old manners, old books, old wine; and I believe, Dorothy, Taking her hand. you’ll own I have been pretty fond of an old wife. Mrs. Hardcastle Lord, Mr. Hardcastle, you’re forever at your Dorothys and your old wifes. You may be a Darby, but I’ll be no Joan, I promise you. I’m not so old as you’d make me, by more than one good year. Add twenty to twenty, and make money of that. Hardcastle Let me see; twenty added to twenty⁠—makes just fifty and seven. Mrs. Hardcastle It’s false, Mr. Hardcastle; I was but twenty when I was brought to bed of Tony, that I had by Mr. Lumpkin, my first husband; and he’s not come to years of discretion yet. Hardcastle Nor ever will, I dare answer for him. Ay, you have taught him finely. Mrs. Hardcastle No matter. Tony Lumpkin has a good fortune. My son is not to live by his learning. I don’t think a boy wants much learning to spend fifteen hundred a year. Hardcastle Learning, quotha! a mere composition of tricks and mischief. Mrs. Hardcastle Humour, my dear; nothing but humour. Come, Mr. Hardcastle, you must allow the boy a little humour. Hardcastle I’d sooner allow him a horsepond. If burning the footmen’s shoes, frightening the maids, and worrying the kittens be humour, he has it. It was but yesterday he fastened my wig to the back of my chair, and when I went to make a bow, I popped my bald head in Mrs. Frizzle’s face. Mrs. Hardcastle And am I to blame? The poor boy was always too sickly to do any good. A school would be his death. When he comes to be a little stronger, who knows what a year or two’s Latin may do for him? Hardcastle Latin for him! A cat and fiddle. No, no; the alehouse and the stable are the only schools he’ll ever go to. Mrs. Hardcastle Well, we must not snub the poor boy now, for I believe we shan’t have him long among us. Anybody that looks in his face may see he’s consumptive. Hardcastle Ay, if growing too fat be one of the symptoms. Mrs. Hardcastle He coughs sometimes. Hardcastle Yes, when his liquor goes the wrong way. Mrs. Hardcastle I’m actually afraid of his lungs. Hardcastle And truly so am I; for he sometimes whoops like a speaking trumpet⁠—Tony hallooing behind the scenes.⁠—O, there he goes⁠—a very consumptive figure, truly. Enter Tony, crossing the stage. Mrs. Hardcastle Tony, where are you going, my charmer? Won’t you give papa and I a little of your company, lovey? Tony I’m in haste, mother; I cannot stay. Mrs. Hardcastle You shan’t venture out this raw evening, my dear; you look most shockingly. Tony I can’t stay, I tell you. The Three Pigeons expects me down every moment. There’s some fun going forward. Hardcastle Ay; the alehouse, the old place: I thought so. Mrs. Hardcastle A low, paltry set of fellows. Tony Not so low, neither. There’s Dick Muggins the exciseman, Jack Slang the horse doctor, little Aminadab that grinds the music box, and Tom Twist that spins the pewter platter. Mrs. Hardcastle Pray, my dear, disappoint them for one night at least. Tony As for disappointing them, I should not so much mind; but I can’t abide to disappoint myself. Mrs. Hardcastle Detaining him. You shan’t go. Tony I will, I tell you. Mrs. Hardcastle I say you shan’t. Tony We’ll see which is strongest, you or I. Exit, hauling her out. Hardcastle Alone. Ay, there goes a pair that only spoil each other. But is not the whole age in a combination to drive sense and discretion out of doors? There’s my pretty darling Kate! the fashions of the times have almost infected her too. By living a year or two in town, she is as fond of gauze and French frippery as the best of them. Enter Miss Hardcastle. Blessings on my pretty innocence! Dressed out as usual, my Kate. Goodness! What a quantity of superfluous silk hast thou got about thee, girl! I could never teach the fools of this age, that the indigent world could be clothed out of the trimmings of the vain. Miss Hardcastle You know our agreement, sir. You allow me the morning to receive and pay visits, and to dress in my own manner; and in the evening I put on my housewife’s dress to please you. Hardcastle Well, remember, I insist on the terms of our agreement; and, by the by, I believe I shall have occasion to try your obedience this very evening. Miss Hardcastle I protest, sir, I don’t comprehend your meaning. Hardcastle Then to be plain with you, Kate, I expect the young gentleman I have chosen to be your husband from town this very day. I have his father’s letter, in which he informs me his son is set out, and that he intends to follow himself shortly after. Miss Hardcastle Indeed! I wish I had known something of this before. Bless me, how shall I behave? It’s a thousand to one I shan’t like him; our meeting will be so formal, and so like a thing of business, that I shall find no room for friendship or esteem. Hardcastle Depend upon it, child, I’ll never control your choice; but Mr. Marlow, whom I have pitched upon, is the son of my old friend, Sir Charles Marlow, of whom you have heard me talk so often. The young gentleman has been bred a scholar, and is designed for an employment in the service of his country. I am told he’s a man of an excellent understanding. Miss Hardcastle Is he? Hardcastle Very generous. Miss Hardcastle I believe I shall like him. Hardcastle Young and brave. Miss Hardcastle I’m sure I shall like him. Hardcastle And very handsome. Miss Hardcastle My dear papa, say no more, Kissing his hand. he’s mine; I’ll have him. Hardcastle And, to crown all, Kate, he’s one of the most bashful and reserved young fellows in all