She Stoops to Conquer

the whole county? Hastings O ho! so we have escaped an adventure for this night, however. Landlord Apart to Tony. Sure, you ben’t sending them to your father’s as an inn, be you? Tony Mum, you fool you. Let them find that out. To them. You have only to keep on straight forward, till you come to a large old house by the road side. You’ll see a pair of large horns over the door. That’s the sign. Drive up the yard, and call stoutly about you. Hastings Sir, we are obliged to you. The servants can’t miss the way? Tony No, no: but I tell you, though, the landlord is rich, and going to leave off business; so he wants to be thought a gentleman, saving your presence, he! he! he! He’ll be for giving you his company; and, ecod, if you mind him, he’ll persuade you that his mother was an alderman, and his aunt a justice of peace. Landlord A troublesome old blade, to be sure; but a keeps as good wines and beds as any in the whole country. Marlow Well, if he supplies us with these, we shall want no farther connection. We are to turn to the right, did you say? Tony No, no; straight forward. I’ll just step myself, and show you a piece of the way. To the Landlord. Mum! Landlord Ah, bless your heart, for a sweet, pleasant⁠—damn’d mischievous son of a whore. Exeunt.

Act II

Scene. An old-fashioned house.

	Enter Hardcastle, followed by three or four awkward Servants.
Hardcastle	Well, I hope you are perfect in the table exercise I have been teaching you these three days. You all know your posts and your places, and can show that you have been used to good company, without ever stirring from home.
Omnes	Ay, ay.
Hardcastle	When company comes you are not to pop out and stare, and then run in again, like frightened rabbits in a warren.
Omnes	No, no.
Hardcastle	You, Diggory, whom I have taken from the barn, are to make a show at the side-table; and you, Roger, whom I have advanced from the plough, are to place yourself behind my chair. But you’re not to stand so, with your hands in your pockets. Take your hands from your pockets, Roger; and from your head, you blockhead you. See how Diggory carries his hands. They’re a little too stiff, indeed, but that’s no great matter.
Diggory	Ay, mind how I hold them. I learned to hold my hands this way when I was upon drill for the militia. And so being upon drill⁠—
Hardcastle	You must not be so talkative, Diggory. You must be all attention to the guests. You must hear us talk, and not think of talking; you must see us drink, and not think of drinking; you must see us eat, and not think of eating.
Diggory	By the laws, your worship, that’s parfectly unpossible. Whenever Diggory sees yeating going forward, ecod, he’s always wishing for a mouthful himself.
Hardcastle	Blockhead! Is not a bellyful in the kitchen as good as a bellyful in the parlour? Stay your stomach with that reflection.
Diggory	Ecod, I thank your worship, I’ll make a shift to stay my stomach with a slice of cold beef in the pantry.
Hardcastle	Diggory, you are too talkative.⁠—Then, if I happen to say a good thing, or tell a good story at table, you must not all burst out a-laughing, as if you made part of the company.
Diggory	Then, ecod, your worship must not tell the story of Ould Grouse in the gun room: I can’t help laughing at that⁠—he! he! he!⁠—for the soul of me. We have laughed at that these twenty years⁠—ha! ha! ha!
Hardcastle	Ha! ha! ha! The story is a good one. Well, honest Diggory, you may laugh at that; but still remember to be attentive. Suppose one of the company should call for a glass of wine, how will you behave? A glass of wine, sir, if you please⁠—To Diggory. Eh, why don’t you move?
Diggory	Ecod, your worship, I never have courage till I see the eatables and drinkables brought upo’ the table, and then I’m as bauld as a lion.
Hardcastle	What, will nobody move?
First Servant	I’m not to leave this pleace.
Second Servant	I’m sure it’s no pleace of mine.
Third Servant	Nor mine, for sartain.
Diggory	Wauns, and I’m sure it canna be mine.
Hardcastle	You numskulls! and so while, like your betters, you are quarrelling for places, the guests must be starved. Oh, you dunces! I find I must begin all over again⁠—But don’t I hear a coach drive into the yard? To your posts, you blockheads. I’ll go in the meantime and give my old friend’s son a hearty reception at the gate.
	Exit Hardcastle.
Diggory	By the elevens, my pleace is gone quite out of my head.
Roger	I know that my pleace is to be everywhere.
First Servant	Where the devil is mine?
Second Servant	My pleace is to be nowhere at all; and so I’ze go about my business.
	Exeunt Servants, running about as if frightened, different ways.
	Enter Servant with candles, showing in Marlow and Hastings.
Servant	Welcome, gentlemen, very welcome! This way.
Hastings	After the disappointments of the day, welcome once more, Charles, to the comforts of a clean room and a good fire. Upon my word, a very well-looking house; antique but creditable.
Marlow	The usual fate of a large mansion. Having first ruined the master by good housekeeping, it at last comes to levy contributions as an inn.
Hastings	As you say, we passengers are to be taxed to pay all these fineries. I have often seen a good sideboard, or a marble chimney piece, though not actually put in the bill, inflame a reckoning confoundedly.
Marlow	Travellers, George, must pay in all places: the only difference is, that in good inns you pay dearly for luxuries; in bad inns you are fleeced and starved.
Hastings	You have lived very much among them. In truth, I have been often surprised, that