She Stoops to Conquer

epub:type="z3998:stage-direction">Aside. This is the most unaccountable kind of modesty I ever met with. Marlow Yes, sir, punch! A glass of warm punch, after our journey, will be comfortable. This is Liberty Hall, you know. Hardcastle Here’s a cup, sir. Marlow Aside. So this fellow, in his Liberty Hall, will only let us have just what he pleases. Hardcastle Taking the cup. I hope you’ll find it to your mind. I have prepared it with my own hands, and I believe you’ll own the ingredients are tolerable. Will you be so good as to pledge me, sir? Here, Mr. Marlow, here is to our better acquaintance. Drinks. Marlow Aside. A very impudent fellow this! but he’s a character, and I’ll humour him a little. Sir, my service to you. Drinks. Hastings Aside. I see this fellow wants to give us his company, and forgets that he’s an innkeeper, before he has learned to be a gentleman. Marlow From the excellence of your cup, my old friend, I suppose you have a good deal of business in this part of the country. Warm work, now and then, at elections, I suppose. Hardcastle No, sir, I have long given that work over. Since our betters have hit upon the expedient of electing each other, there is no business “for us that sell ale.” Hastings So, then, you have no turn for politics, I find. Hardcastle Not in the least. There was a time, indeed, I fretted myself about the mistakes of government, like other people; but finding myself every day grow more angry, and the government growing no better, I left it to mend itself. Since that, I no more trouble my head about Hyder Ally, or Ally Cawn, than about Ally Croker. Sir, my service to you. Hastings So that with eating above stairs, and drinking below, with receiving your friends within, and amusing them without, you lead a good pleasant bustling life of it. Hardcastle I do stir about a great deal, that’s certain. Half the differences of the parish are adjusted in this very parlour. Marlow After drinking. And you have an argument in your cup, old gentleman, better than any in Westminster Hall. Hardcastle Ay, young gentleman, that, and a little philosophy. Marlow Aside. Well, this is the first time I ever heard of an innkeeper’s philosophy. Hastings So then, like an experienced general, you attack them on every quarter. If you find their reason manageable, you attack it with your philosophy; if you find they have no reason, you attack them with this. Here’s your health, my philosopher. Drinks. Hardcastle Good, very good, thank you; ha! ha! Your generalship puts me in mind of Prince Eugene, when he fought the Turks at the battle of Belgrade. You shall hear. Marlow Instead of the battle of Belgrade, I believe it’s almost time to talk about supper. What has your philosophy got in the house for supper? Hardcastle For supper, sir! Aside. Was ever such a request to a man in his own house? Marlow Yes, sir, supper, sir; I begin to feel an appetite. I shall make devilish work tonight in the larder, I promise you. Hardcastle Aside. Such a brazen dog sure never my eyes beheld. To him. Why, really, sir, as for supper I can’t well tell. My Dorothy and the cook-maid settle these things between them. I leave these kind of things entirely to them. Marlow You do, do you? Hardcastle Entirely. By the by, I believe they are in actual consultation upon what’s for supper this moment in the kitchen. Marlow Then I beg they’ll admit me as one of their privy council. It’s a way I have got. When I travel, I always choose to regulate my own supper. Let the cook be called. No offence I hope, sir. Hardcastle O no, sir, none in the least; yet I don’t know how; our Bridget, the cook-maid, is not very communicative upon these occasions. Should we send for her, she might scold us all out of the house. Hastings Let’s see your list of the larder then. I ask it as a favour. I always match my appetite to my bill of fare. Marlow To Hardcastle, who looks at them with surprise. Sir, he’s very right, and it’s my way too. Hardcastle Sir, you have a right to command here. Here, Roger, bring us the bill of fare for tonight’s supper: I believe it’s drawn out⁠—Your manner, Mr. Hastings, puts me in mind of my uncle, Colonel Wallop. It was a saying of his, that no man was sure of his supper till he had eaten it. Hastings Aside. All upon the high rope! His uncle a colonel! we shall soon hear of his mother being a justice of the peace. But let’s hear the bill of fare. Marlow Perusing. What’s here? For the first course; for the second course; for the dessert. The devil, sir, do you think we have brought down a whole Joiners’ Company, or the corporation of Bedford, to eat up such a supper? Two or three little things, clean and comfortable, will do. Hastings But let’s hear it. Marlow Reading. “For the first course, at the top, a pig, and prune sauce.” Hastings Damn your pig, I say. Marlow And damn your prune sauce, say I. Hardcastle And yet, gentlemen, to men that are hungry, pig with prune sauce is very good eating. Marlow “At the bottom, a calf’s tongue and brains.” Hastings Let your brains be knocked out, my good sir, I don’t like them. Marlow Or you may clap them on a plate by themselves. I do. Hardcastle Aside. Their impudence confounds me. To them. Gentlemen, you are my guests, make what alterations you please. Is there anything else you wish to retrench or alter, gentlemen? Marlow “Item: a pork pie, a boiled rabbit and sausages, a Florentine, a shaking pudding, and a dish of tiff⁠—taff⁠—taffety cream!” Hastings Confound your made dishes; I shall be as much at a loss in this house as at a green and yellow dinner at the French ambassador’s table. I’m for plain eating. Hardcastle I’m